Nobody knows what I'm doing here

Correct spelling and grammar will forever be my worst enemies /Viv/ as autistic as they come and as queer as I can be (aro-ace)

[too-scared-to-do-this]

So uhm… Okay. Hey guys. I’m not dead. Just got bored of Tumbler’s unresponsiveness. (I get bored of stuff pretty fast honestly XD) But if you’re still interested in what I create, fandom and non-fandom content, I’m on instagram now ^^ With basically the same username and the same amount of spelling mistakes XD.

I’d link it, but for that I’d have to know how and it’s too late here and I’m too brain-dead by now to figure out how. Also I’m shit at technology. So. You can find me on insta under the username @too_scared_to_do_this ^^

I’d love to see you there :D <3

EDIT

I’ve figured it out: Click here ^^

[too-scared-to-do-this]

So apparently, it took a series I am absolutely obsessed with and will get judged for reading in my circles to revive this dying piece of history (this page has been dead for 5 years now people xd). So here I am. Aggressively obsessing about AFTG. Nothing else. Don't expect anything else from me for a while at least xd This thing has had me in it's clutches for the past months and I cannot for the life of me get rid of it. So here I am. Back, but only for selfish reasons xd

I finally understand what A (a former friend of mine) was on about every time they got an obsession like this. I never really understood it before since I have never experienced this level of obsession with any fictional character/celebrity. I never even had a favorite artist. And now here I am literally scavenging through ALL forms of media to get my fill. It's disgusting, but so deeply inherently autistic of me to be honest xd And because it causes me this much happiness, I refuse to take it away from myself - as long as it's not interfering with my day to day life - because I am sadly an over-20 adult person, and I do have to function as one. So. Yeah. Hello xd

[eshlie-bow]

Thinking of body swap AU (Andrew & Aaron) Neil, turning to Andrew: Holy shit, so let me get this straight—you’re not you, you’re ×points at Aaron’s body× him? Okay, I have a very important question...

Neil: ...so Aaron’s body is basically rented out now, and we can just... use it or...?

Aaron (in Andrew’s body): I will literally fucking murder you if you touch me.

Aaron (in Andrew’s body): Andrew, for fuck’s sake, get your hand out of his hair right now…

Katelyn, reaching for “Aaron” (who is actually Andrew): Hi?

Andrew (in Aaron’s body), dodging her hand: I’m going to kill her. With your hands

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Okay, I'm thinking too deep about this, but just bare with me please xd (original post said no deep thoughts, but I am having them xd)

I am curious: if this did happen to them, do you think Andrew's body would still experience the same triggers that it does even if Aron was occupying it?

I am aware that most things are mental for Andrew, but if someone touches me and I dont expect it, I will freeze up. I assume that is a body reaction that is so engrained in my nervous system that if I swapped bodies it would still be happening to the body itself. Thus: do you think Aaron experiences the hell that is Andrews triggers?

And vice versa do you think Andrew has some of Aarons triggers and/or gets a bit of a break from some of his own, more minor ones? Like this new body (Aaron's) does not know it's supposed to flinch before someone touches it, or is slower at doing so?

Just wondering...

[eshlie-bow]

ohhh… deep thoughts mode… okay. let’s goooo

I don’t think Aaron and Andrew would pick up on each other’s triggers and behavioral reactions. Sure, I could pull up the neuro-muscular memory textbook, but “Andrew doesn’t like being touched” is a psychological thing, not a purely physical one. As far as I remember, people who come out of comas with amnesia (or just amnesia in general) can completely flip their tastes and behaviors. So in the end, I don’t think the twinyards would actually experience each other’s triggers

Andrew in Aaron’s body. Considering the sheer amount of sa Andrew went through, I’m 100% sure he used to dissociate/lose connection with his own body. Like—he felt like the body wasn’t really his anymore (especially while other people were using it). So Andrew ending up in Aaron’s body might actually hit that exact trigger. He could lose that psychological ownership of the body again (hello, dissociation 🥲🎉). Aaron in Andrew’s body, though? Probably mostly fine

What I’m way more curious about is the sexual arousal question: if Andrew is 100% gay and Aaron is 100% straight… would they still be able to get physically turned on by their respective partners after swapping bodies? From what I recall, this isn’t just psychology—there’s a strong physical/body component to it too. So my guess is no, they probably wouldn’t be able to. The body would most likely react (or not react) according to its “original wiring”

[too-scared-to-do-this]

I like the way you think OP. You have more knowlidge on this stuff then I do and that is very exciting and weirdly enlightening xd

So, I propose the question (and do ignore my ass if you don't feel like thinking on this anymore): What if it's not the brain that gets transferd, with all it's wiring, but just simply the conscientiousness. As in: I am avare that I am me and I am in somebody elses body, but all the feeling I experience are not coming from me. That way, I think, the trauma-responce reactions would be there and very present. But I supose that then you would not move the body you're in but the body that is actually yours. That would be quite horifying though. Funny to watch, but terryfying. (Would Andrew move his body parts in certain ways, just to spite Aaron? Xd)

And to the last point, if we go back to the brain and all its wirring in someone elses body theory: is the arrousal part purely physical? Like, couldn't it be brought uppon by the feelings and brain-chemistry? (This, to be honest, while being a stupid question, is a genuine one because I am eeeextremely ace and sex repulsed so I do not have a single clue how it works and am afraid of looking it up xd) That way, there is a chance that it could happen with their respective partners. I do understand that it is a combination of both the physicl and the mental, but if the physical can happen without the mental (i read somewhere something about involuntary body reactions without the mental component), then couldn't it be true the otherway around as well? But then again, I don't think either Neil or Katelyn would actually try and do anything physical with their partners while the "spell" is happening. That would just weird everybody out, I think. But I mean, I might be very wrong. Who knows how freaky these fictional characters can get xd

Anyway, thank you for entertaining my stupid idea xd

[eshlie-bow]

I'm so sorry, but there's seriously a ton of text here 😭😭😭 (also I have zero sense of tone when it comes to "formal" vs "casual"—I just tried to make it as clear as possible 🙏🏻) If we’re talking strictly about consciousness transfer—no brain swap, just pure mind-swap—then to me it starts feeling way closer to mind-reading. In the case of mutual telepathy, as it seems to me, extremely inconvenient

But let’s imagine together that it’s not about telepathy. There is one body (Andrew), there is a second body (Aaron). Consciousness—the inner voice—of Andrew is placed into Aaron’s body. Aaron is moved into Andrew’s body. Important condition: only one consciousness can exist inside one head, otherwise we immediately lose the game (you can just imagine a badly desynced track in headphones: right side playing the fast first verse, left side playing the last lines of the song with jumbled words. Total nonsense that gives you an instant headache xd)

Setup: Andrew’s inner voice sounds inside Aaron’s head, while Aaron’s consciousness is inside Andrew’s body. Body control remains with the original owner of the body

I’m sure that the very first thing Andrew would do is hit himself (from inside Aaron’s head—his own body); to test whether he can feel pain + if possible, make Aaron pass out before he learns all of Andrew’s secrets

Suppose Aaron stays conscious and manages to read all of Andrew’s secrets. What would his reaction be? Horror. Tears. Possibly a desire to hug Andrew in his own body—or to smash everything around him

Andrew wouldn’t answer a single question. He would drown in self-hatred. And most likely, once back in his own body, he would do something irreversible. Andrew couldn’t survive the fact that at least one person knows all his secrets. And most likely he would literally feel them through him (all the fear, all the violence, including sexual)

What about Andrew’s consciousness in Aaron’s body? He probably wouldn’t be surprised by anything. Most likely he would feel envy, latching onto the positive moments of attention from their mother. Drug withdrawal pain? Andrew has already gone through pill withdrawal. Physical violence? Andrew has been through that too. Everything bad that exists in Aaron’s past, Andrew has already experienced. And the good parts... no, Andrew never had those

Unfortunately, such a swap would bring Andrew nothing but negativity

On sexuality:

I really wish the greatest minds could gather in one room and finally figure out how the human brain actually works. Too bad it's not my birthday today, and I'm not big on making wishes anyway xd

As for how sexual orientation is wired on the chemical level in the brain... at this stage of human knowledge, we still don't have a clear, definitive answer.

We can only really go by hormone production in the body + how the nervous system responds. Unfortunately, even the data on that is pretty limited... so yeah, you're literally not missing anything by not Googling it haha.

If we're talking purely about sexual arousal, two main factors play a big role: 1. Stimulation of erogenous zones, 2. The psychological factor.

If the goal is to actually enjoy sex and get pleasure from it, then the psychological side is decisive. But if the goal is just to achieve physical arousal (like getting hard/wet/etc.), then your mental state doesn't matter that much

I'm not sure about Tumblr's exact rules as a platform, so I'm cutting out a huge chunk of my deeper thoughts anyway (it's probably better for everyone that way)

Would Neil and Katelyn deliberately try to arouse Andrew and Aaron? Very unlikely. It would be extremely weird for literally everyone involved.

But if they did try... The body can respond to any kind of stimulation, but erogenous zones vary a ton from person to person. We know that for Andrew's body, the neck is a major erogenous zone. Suppose psychologically it starts feeling good too (including when Neil touches him there)

But for Aaron's body? Let's say the neck just isn't one for him. It might feel like absolutely nothing.

So the outcome would be: - a ton of stress in any theoretical attempt at sex, - the partner would have to discover and learn brand-new erogenous zones, - and the person now in that body would need to figure out what actually feels good and what doesn't.

Honestly, it doesn't seem worth it. That said, I wouldn't rule out Aaron having a purely clinical curiosity: could he get aroused in the body of a 100% gay guy from a woman's touch? Psychologically he'd be open to it—Katelyn is attractive to him in every way, so why not experiment? The result could be some kind of medical breakthrough

I'm more inclined to think Andrew would go to absolutely any lengths just to make sure no one touched his body at all I'm pretty sure I owe you some gratitude: thank you so much for actually reading through my stream of consciousness ❤️ (I really hope I wasn't being too rude)

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Oh no, not at all, you were not even close to rude (I hope I didn't come of as rude either, all things were written with a smile and genuine kindhearted curiosity). I really enjoyed this rambling hypothetical filosophy session xd it was very fun to read your thoughts on it. So thank you for entertaining my curiosity.

Also, yeah, I fully agree, my first though was also that Andrew would punch Aaron in Andrew's body xd

And the part with the medical curiosity is also extremely fitting. That is something very interested-in-medicine-person coded xd

[eshlie-bow]

Thinking of body swap AU (Andrew & Aaron) Neil, turning to Andrew: Holy shit, so let me get this straight—you’re not you, you’re ×points at Aaron’s body× him? Okay, I have a very important question...

Neil: ...so Aaron’s body is basically rented out now, and we can just... use it or...?

Aaron (in Andrew’s body): I will literally fucking murder you if you touch me.

Aaron (in Andrew’s body): Andrew, for fuck’s sake, get your hand out of his hair right now…

Katelyn, reaching for “Aaron” (who is actually Andrew): Hi?

Andrew (in Aaron’s body), dodging her hand: I’m going to kill her. With your hands

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Okay, I'm thinking too deep about this, but just bare with me please xd (original post said no deep thoughts, but I am having them xd)

I am curious: if this did happen to them, do you think Andrew's body would still experience the same triggers that it does even if Aron was occupying it?

I am aware that most things are mental for Andrew, but if someone touches me and I dont expect it, I will freeze up. I assume that is a body reaction that is so engrained in my nervous system that if I swapped bodies it would still be happening to the body itself. Thus: do you think Aaron experiences the hell that is Andrews triggers?

And vice versa do you think Andrew has some of Aarons triggers and/or gets a bit of a break from some of his own, more minor ones? Like this new body (Aaron's) does not know it's supposed to flinch before someone touches it, or is slower at doing so?

Just wondering...

[eshlie-bow]

ohhh… deep thoughts mode… okay. let’s goooo

I don’t think Aaron and Andrew would pick up on each other’s triggers and behavioral reactions. Sure, I could pull up the neuro-muscular memory textbook, but “Andrew doesn’t like being touched” is a psychological thing, not a purely physical one. As far as I remember, people who come out of comas with amnesia (or just amnesia in general) can completely flip their tastes and behaviors. So in the end, I don’t think the twinyards would actually experience each other’s triggers

Andrew in Aaron’s body. Considering the sheer amount of sa Andrew went through, I’m 100% sure he used to dissociate/lose connection with his own body. Like—he felt like the body wasn’t really his anymore (especially while other people were using it). So Andrew ending up in Aaron’s body might actually hit that exact trigger. He could lose that psychological ownership of the body again (hello, dissociation 🥲🎉). Aaron in Andrew’s body, though? Probably mostly fine

What I’m way more curious about is the sexual arousal question: if Andrew is 100% gay and Aaron is 100% straight… would they still be able to get physically turned on by their respective partners after swapping bodies? From what I recall, this isn’t just psychology—there’s a strong physical/body component to it too. So my guess is no, they probably wouldn’t be able to. The body would most likely react (or not react) according to its “original wiring”

[too-scared-to-do-this]

I like the way you think OP. You have more knowlidge on this stuff then I do and that is very exciting and weirdly enlightening xd

So, I propose the question (and do ignore my ass if you don't feel like thinking on this anymore): What if it's not the brain that gets transferd, with all it's wiring, but just simply the conscientiousness. As in: I am avare that I am me and I am in somebody elses body, but all the feeling I experience are not coming from me. That way, I think, the trauma-responce reactions would be there and very present. But I supose that then you would not move the body you're in but the body that is actually yours. That would be quite horifying though. Funny to watch, but terryfying. (Would Andrew move his body parts in certain ways, just to spite Aaron? Xd)

And to the last point, if we go back to the brain and all its wirring in someone elses body theory: is the arrousal part purely physical? Like, couldn't it be brought uppon by the feelings and brain-chemistry? (This, to be honest, while being a stupid question, is a genuine one because I am eeeextremely ace and sex repulsed so I do not have a single clue how it works and am afraid of looking it up xd) That way, there is a chance that it could happen with their respective partners. I do understand that it is a combination of both the physicl and the mental, but if the physical can happen without the mental (i read somewhere something about involuntary body reactions without the mental component), then couldn't it be true the otherway around as well? But then again, I don't think either Neil or Katelyn would actually try and do anything physical with their partners while the "spell" is happening. That would just weird everybody out, I think. But I mean, I might be very wrong. Who knows how freaky these fictional characters can get xd

Anyway, thank you for entertaining my stupid idea xd

[eshlie-bow]

Thinking of body swap AU (Andrew & Aaron) Neil, turning to Andrew: Holy shit, so let me get this straight—you’re not you, you’re ×points at Aaron’s body× him? Okay, I have a very important question...

Neil: ...so Aaron’s body is basically rented out now, and we can just... use it or...?

Aaron (in Andrew’s body): I will literally fucking murder you if you touch me.

Aaron (in Andrew’s body): Andrew, for fuck’s sake, get your hand out of his hair right now…

Katelyn, reaching for “Aaron” (who is actually Andrew): Hi?

Andrew (in Aaron’s body), dodging her hand: I’m going to kill her. With your hands

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Okay, I'm thinking too deep about this, but just bare with me please xd (original post said no deep thoughts, but I am having them xd)

I am curious: if this did happen to them, do you think Andrew's body would still experience the same triggers that it does even if Aron was occupying it?

I am aware that most things are mental for Andrew, but if someone touches me and I dont expect it, I will freeze up. I assume that is a body reaction that is so engrained in my nervous system that if I swapped bodies it would still be happening to the body itself. Thus: do you think Aaron experiences the hell that is Andrews triggers?

And vice versa do you think Andrew has some of Aarons triggers and/or gets a bit of a break from some of his own, more minor ones? Like this new body (Aaron's) does not know it's supposed to flinch before someone touches it, or is slower at doing so?

Just wondering...

[too-scared-to-do-this]

I saw a post recently that accidentaly mispelled post-canon as lost-canon and you know what? That is how I'm gonna refer to the deleted EC from now on xd

[minerva-yearns]

I love Neil and Andrew in ways words fail to express (aka this is the longest hyper fixation I’ve ever had and I love it here but I’d also like to read a full novel that isn’t fanfic yk?)

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Oh how I feel this xd Deep, deep in my bones xd

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Today, I propose to you this thing that nobody needed: The gun-under-pillow-but-it’s-Andrew’s-hand scene from Andrew’s pow

I assume that with all his issues, Andrew has not slept particularly well in a room full of foxes. Mostly, when you take into consideration that he just lost and got Neil back. And maybe spent the last few hours sleeping on-and-off on the bus. Before, he was with the police and we all know that this man does not trust “the pigs”. With reason, let’s be honest.

Anyway. Now imagine that his sleep-deprived ass had to drive all the way to that cabin and then sit through all the foxes being loud and obnoxious and Neil’s many existential crises. Andrew has a flat-line for emotions, but we all know how overwhelming that combination can get even when you don’t let it show.  So once night comes and he watches as his exhausted not-boyfriend manages to wrangle himself into somewhat of a comfortable sleep (maybe even a deeper one, since he is actually safe for once and Andrew is right there next to him), Andrew just watches him for a while. He cannot sleep. He is past the point of exhaustion and his loud brain is going a mile a minute replaying not only his horrors, but now the new implications of what went down with Neil. Andrew does not do ‘what if’s’ or ‘my faults’, but he sure as hell does ‘not under my watch’ and ‘not ever again’. So, he watches, like the good guard-dog he is.

Neil just lays there and dreams of whatever. Or maybe he doesn’t even dream. Andrew doesn’t know, doesn’t much care. He knows tomorrow will be yet another exhausting day and he knows he must sleep at some point. But that is not happening with all the noise in his head. As much as he hates admitting it, he thinks he was afraid when Neil disappeared. And nothing scares Andrew (not anymore, that is), so why does closing his eyes and not knowing who, when or why could walk through the bedroom door remind him so much of those prickly needles of childhood fear under his skin. He watches and wonders as his brain parades through all the things that happened. Again and again, until the familiar flairs of anger and annoyance pop up again. Neil looks so peaceful. Well, as peaceful as someone who was just brutally tortured and almost murdered can look. But he does, and Andrew remembers how incredibly tight his chest was when he held Neil's chin in his hand for the first time again in the hotel room. How, for just a second, everything went quiet and all his focus was on that bandaged face, hurt, but there and mostly whole and breathing.

You have to understand that Andrew does not do physical touch. Lucky for him, Neil does not require it. But holding onto something that is his, tightly and aggressively, that is Andrew’s specialty. So, Andrew does just that, reaches out, slowly and carefully (kind off surprised that the movement doesn't wake Neil up) and sticks his hand under Neil's pillow. Just slightly, just so his palm can feel the weight of the red-head through the pillow. There is nothing special about it. Nothing moving. Not a single feeling happens in Andrew’s chest. And it takes a few minutes and two deep breaths to get used to the feeling. But his eyes never leave Neil’s face and suddenly, Andrew himself slips into the darkness. Without dreams.

.

Or here’s another version:

Neil had some nightmare and Andrew being Andrew woke up to a single harsher exhale. Because Neil does not make a sound or trash around. His brow twitches and maybe he’ll breath a few angry huffs. So, Andrew woke up to that and from then on everything above can be applied. He does not pity or worry for Neil. But he would like to get back to sleep once Neil's and his brain shuts up. And Neil always slept better with a gun under his pillow. Andrew is nothing if not a weapon, so... Maybe. Maybe that’ll work. And to no one’s surprise, it does (que secret little Andrew eyeroll that he will not let anybody else see).

[too-scared-to-do-this]

I just need everybody to agree with me that this is the most Andrew song a song can be xd

I mean, just listen to/read the lyrics. I love them. This has been the tune of my life for the past half a year xd And it will forever remind me of Andrew, it cannot be helped. Also, I learned how to play it on the guitar and sing it, so now I am a mannace to my poor poor brother xd

[instigatorjosten]

it’s a reoccurring thought of mine that nora confirmed neil wears andrew the fuck down.

like. i love it and i love even more how it’s so plausible since neil probably uses sex as cardio at least once in a while

i just know andrew gets a pavlovian reaction when neil skips his morning run and turns to him instead

same, it’s in my head rent free. yk how much it takes to actually wear someone out just from sex?? thats hours. neil is putting in work dude.

some mornings its not a run its a ride. save a horse ride an andrew and whatnot.

[too-scared-to-do-this]

The fact that I read that post from Nora and went: Oh yeah, no that makes sense because Neil without Exy will be a tiring and "annoying " mannace/murder magnet and Andrew will have to deal with that on the dayly xd Nothing even close to sexual xd

My ace ass cannot do these double meanings xd

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Oh my god, nothing can compare to the dopamine rush rereading the og EC gives me even now, more then half a year after I read the books.

I forgot how GOOD it is, even if itse not fully canon anymore (I kinda just adjust what needs adjusting - the smoking thing for example). But man, I am having the time of my life realizing how many things I took literally, that were not meant literally, the first few times I read it (how inherently stereotypically autistic of me xd - I am actually diagnosed, it's just funny to me since I study autism steriotypes in media as a hobby and for school and this is one of the most overused ones. But I keep forgetting it fully aplies to me as well until I encounter a moment like this xd). Anyway.... Andreil xd

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Riko, but slightly wrong xd As it should be xd

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Completely random, but since nobody outside my Tumblr knows about this obsession of mine (well they know it existed at some point, they just don't know it is still persisting xd), I can't even tell anyone about the incredibly stupid but necessary thing I have done: I drew an absolutely shitty rendition of the Exy rackets and hid it in one of my posts on IG - it is not hidden at all, but nobody can guess what it is xd. It's my own little inside joke. BUT we in the fandom all know what it means, what it is xd

Anyway, enjoy my unhinged behavior xd

The post is here if you wanna see, but it really is not that phenomenal or at all AFTG related (besides the hidden gem of a racket), so you don't have to see it xd

View this post on Instagram

This is not the best thing I've ever drawn, but it was a fun little project to pas the time and it did get my thoughts out of my head.

Also, if you did check it out, did you see the other little things hidden in there? (Adventure time Bees, Star vs. the forces of evil shoes). - can you tell I'm autistic and very into animation? xd

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Yet another Andrew-"accurate"-fics post

I've started going through authors instead of fics now (idk, don't ask - I like one thing, I'm gonna check out your arsenal of other aftg fics xd)

So here are some I reaaally recoment reading:

seasy33 | Archive of Our Own

AgentCoop | Archive of Our Own

boxysmiles | Archive of Our Own

carnivalcl0wn9 | Archive of Our Own

Anyway. That's it xd Go show them some love pls. Bye

[too-scared-to-do-this]

You know what I just thought about? As someone who SUCKS at measuring heights, it's absolutely crazy for me, that Neil had correctly estimated the height difference between him and Andrew when Andrew conically wears combat boots that definitely elevate him more then Neil’s converse do him xd So either they were about the same height when they met, Neil looked at the shoes and went: Ah yes, exactly 3 inches (or however much, sorry, I can't remember). Or Andrew is definitely shorter in a very noticeable way we just never hear about it because: shoes xd

[too-scared-to-do-this]

I have no explanation for this but Beauty sleep by VOILÁ reminds me of Andrew. Not even the lyrics, just the way the song is put together and the way the singer sings the chorus somehow feels like Andrew xd I can't explain it xd

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Is there, by any chance, an actual archive of Nora's twitter asks/responses on Andreil? Cuz I keep seeing screenshots floating around here and have no twitter (or any desire to actually make an account) but I really would love to read them

[too-scared-to-do-this]

Today, I propose to you:

Andrew and Neil in the future. Neil sitting on the couch in Andrew’s apartment, scrolling threw Exy related articles on his new and upgraded phone. Andrew walks out of the shower, already dressed and drying his hair with a towel. He drops it around his shoulders and leans his elbow on the back of the couch. Right next to Neil’s head, but basically leaning in over Neil. Neil looks up, his head against the headrest, and stares. After barely a second Andrew says: "Starring.” Neil just smirks: “Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?” Andrew’s nose flairs the tiniest bit in irritation (love) and he drops his head down, brushing his lips against Neil’s forehead in a soft lightning-fast kiss. Then he stands straight and hurls the towel at Neil’s head. Walks away into the kitchen pretending like he’s not smug at all.

(He can hear Neil laughing in the background: “What was that for?” Andrew already putting together a light lunch for both of them: “Learn how to dry your hair properly.”)