CmeSparkle

Come see me sparkle! I am another sparkling star in this night sky. I am a writer, the kind that loves the rhyme and reason of poetry. There is never a wrong time or place to break into verse and tumblr is begging for it, asking me to please lift my poems to the tumblrverse. Not everything I write is about me! My writing is not intended to endorse mental illness or psychological disorders, but I do choose to write about controversial topics so if you are easily offended this is not the blog for you. I have a PhD in awesomeness, which I use to bring life to my words. Some of the work I publish here is under copyright, and all of my writing here is mine, all rights reserved. Read at your own risk. 

[cmesparkle]

Ignition

Turning over, a new life, a new way. The roads we've taken so far are enough for me to see the light, moving further from the darkness. All I see is white when I close my eyes - bright glaring sirens fading to black. I'm not going back. Instead, I take your hand and let you lead me on the path I drove alone until my heart was weary. I love the way you hold my hand, cradle my heart, show my soul why it had to shatter. Your words of affirmation tell me it was never me. I was dancing with the enemy, the one who made the worst of me. I could never let go and be myself, but with you I'm certain, with you, I'm enough. You can turn me on so easily, just by the way you're in love with me. So turn me on, drive me into the light accept me as I am, fading into white.

by CmeSparkle

[cmesparkle]

Someone to rely on

There's something wrong with me. I can't pinpoint the source but I see the way they point and stare. I hear their laughter, never with me, always the brunt of the joke. I ask you for the simplest things but you can't give them to me. I know I'm broken, but I've always prided myself on being fun. Except with you, I was demanding and you never gave in to my demands. I left with empty hands and a sulking heart. Why couldn't you stay and be my precious? Why does everyone treat me as less?

[cmesparkle]

Look Who's Silent Now

My words are reflections of this truth I sat with on simmer for three years, begging myself to never boil, knowing that your soul disrupted mine. How could I climb with your dead weight? How could I be your peace when you weren't mine? How could I be the beacon in the middle of your night when you never answered my calls? My words encapsulate you, you hate what I am and you still can't stop looking, the beauty in our naked bodies trumping all logic and reason. When you really think about it, there's no point in speaking up. I shouldn't have told you how you let me down. You never cared, and why would you care now?

[cmesparkle]

Spiral

I've never been so full of negativity. My face is resistant to the effervescent smile I once wore so easily, like a model in an ad campaign designed to sell you clothes you don't need. I can't pull the corners of my mouth up, and I notice how my jowls sag with pessimism whenever I dare to face myself in the mirror. I've been devoid of all hope, stuck in my own self-imposed prison reviewing countless scenarios in which I get what I finally deserve. Lately, I've been tangled up in thoughts that lead me nowhere, knots of cynicism at my wrists, preventing me from truly letting go. I can't stand the way I spiral, running through bodies like a coroner, leaving them for dead as if I don't crave some kind of connection. I can't converse with them anymore, can't fake a smile to save my life. I'm blank, empty, and emotionless, except I know the rage is bubbling slowly, simmering with sadness, and seasoned with the hopes and dreams I once cherished. I dream of nothing now, my nights filled with sorrow and intense self-reflection. Meaningless treasures I've held onto now clutter the attic of my mind. There's no point in the days that stretch on like endless points of nothingness. There's no reason to stay here in this world when I could so easily spiral out.

[cmesparkle]

Silence

I never knew the sound of silence could be so loud, so unequivocally jarring, but I can't feel the depth of your presence lurking in the shadows anymore, and though I try not to let it bother me, I can hear it grating on my insecurities; metal on metal. You once lurked in shades of darkness, standing in my shadows with open arms of acceptance. Of course, even you grew tired of my slut parade and all its fanfare. I can't feel you anymore; my phone silent, my stare blank and empty as I blink back tears. Isn't there something you hate about me? Don't you want to scream at me and tell me what a piece of shit I am? After all, you had a lot to say about what you thought I did, no matter that I didn't do it. No matter that you believed my enemy instead of me. I should be the one who is screaming, but I never scream. I slink away into another darkness, leaving yours behind. I know you still lurk in someone's shadows, but they aren't mine. All I wanted was for you to say something, anything! All I wanted was your love, but you held it just out of reach and laughed as I fought for it.

[cmesparkle]

The Man in My Pocket

All I wanted was everything and if you loved me, it wouldn't have been too much. Instead, you pulled away stabbing me with your rejection that you swear was simply oversight. You didn't think of me enough or give me time to love you. Instead, I created a version of you to keep in my front pocket.

It wasn't you, but it became my comfort until I no longer loved who you are and instead clung to what I'd built as your replacement. I held you with me, close to my chest, imagining you loved me the way I loved you. I clung to my shock when I realized you didn't know me at all. You weren't the man of the smoke and mirrors. You weren't the man who could soothe my fears. You were selfish in ways I'd never let myself believe, but I tried my best to see the parts of you that resonated with the man I'd created, the man that loved me.

All I wanted was everything, but I gave you everything instead, bending to your needs though you couldn't acknowledge the way I put you first, the way I gave you my whole heart. Where was your heart? Gone? It was in my front pocket, occupying my imagination, filling my soul with what I needed as you turned further into the dark.  

[cmesparkle]

I can't just write you a poem...

You want me to write on command, ripping words from my soul committing them to the page and letting them go. You want me to cry and hiss, to rage and scream, but you don't understand what you're asking of me. I can't just write you a fucking poem when you fucking ask. Poems come when they strike, and it happens so fast, I don't have time to decide what they'll be about, or how they will go. Poems come out how they do even though I may try to shape them, to move them a bit, the words design me, and that's basically it.

[cmesparkle]

Home

When I’m tired and weary I run to you, your arms outstretched wide to hold me. Here I feel the warmth of your love, the slow simmer of your soul melting against mine, bubbling slowly, subtly forever like a warm bath, a salve for all that ails me. The pain of my existence is catching up to me, and all I have left are these moments dipped into your comfort, soothed by your voice saying the things I need to hear. “I love you,” you say and for once I believe you for letting me stretch myself out over the days of your life, into the years, onto your forever. 

[cmesparkle]

Locked Up

Hands over my ears - I can't hear your betrayal. I don't see the way your ignorance glares like a siren. I should've known you'd never understand the way I break. I've learned to hide in the shadows until my eyes don't shine like crazy. I'm in this battle blinded by the bullets as they dance in the wind, blazing with glory. Wishing one would hit me, sink deep into my flesh and take me out of this pain. I'm numb enough that I won't feel a bullet in my brain. A sweet goodnight, perhaps. Of course, I'm sure I'd miss myself. I'd miss this train of thought that keeps me company in your silence. Hands over my ears - I don't hear you break through tearing up my meaning, destroying all my hopes and dreams with just a sentence.

[cmesparkle]

How long can you hold me?

I say I want your arms until they are around me. I can't breathe. I push away, you can't see the way you scare me, the way I try not to run. You'll have to hold me until my limbs tire, you'll have to force yourself into my heart until I finally relax and accept there is no other way. You'll have to breathe new life into me, make me cum a million times to your touch until I come to expect that you are the only one who can give me this. You'll have to make me submit, with brute force and clever coercion. How long can you hold me here at your mercy?

[cmesparkle]

You let the sky out

It's escaping, the way you hold your head cocked to the side like your left ear needs a better angle if you're going to see this through. I'm sure that I've been waiting for the wrong things Still, you work me open slowly, not worried about how long it takes to spread my legs. You mean me no harm and yet you yearn to destroy me, to overpower me with your male ambitions, to use me with your overpowering strength. Maybe I have a death wish, maybe it's an instinct to let you use me as your cover, keep me half-breathing beneath the tables until they turn to reveal that I was your winter, huddling closely for warmth when all you want to do is run.

[cmesparkle]

I have a dream

Is there always an edge, or endless stretches -galaxies of space gaping like silence? I miss your voice shredding hearts over tacos in your Sunday best. Wish's tides pool together taking poverty's new tax brackets. Surely there is someone who can rip these midnight magpies from the skies, tethering sturdy, wind whipping your neck. You're the lark - silence swallowing songs tinged with bullets that read like a novella but wear like a lipstick.

[cmesparkle]

Rage

It only hurts because I love with all my heart. How can I not? How do you live in the dark, shades drawn, lines on the floor? You call them boundaries - I call them fences. I climb to your rescue impatient as you rage. I pretend not to see. It's too much for me to notice how your anger shape shifts. Are you even human? How can I love you? How can you not know your own demon?

[cmesparkle]

Ripples

I'm hiding out again sitting in my silence drinking it in, thirsty dripping with excitement heaven scent body pure beauty live in sin. Love is worth wreckage crashing for the second piling up, gripping worthy of reviving down to earth hold me here, now breathe me in.

[cmesparkle]

Healing Me

Thank you for this suffering. I know it's only temporary. I embrace it knowing this lesson is important, knowing I made some mistakes. I chose the person who didn't love me, who couldn't give me the only thing I need. I'm not desperate for it, I'm not crying. I'm looking in the mirror noticing the way my smile lights up the corners of my eyes. I feel beautiful, even without makeup, even without his adoration.

I am a unique creature, a woman of high value, the kind that any man would be lucky to love. I chose him, the one man who couldn't be bothered to. "It's not me, it's you." I loved him with all my heart and soul and body. But I love myself more than anybody, and it's time he knows that I'll never put anyone above myself. I was after his heart, not his wealth, but he guarded it like he'd been used before, so I took the first exit and searched for more.

[cmesparkle]

Crush

Stuck. Headspace of rumination - your desperation shearing you naked, your undulations betray your loyalty, your heart fathomless, obscured from view.

Denial. Climb the pedestal - my perspiration, sweating the moment, my infatuations uncontrollable, lose you completely. You never knew.

[cmesparkle]

All I wanted was love...

The confusion is constant, the words you couldn't say hanging in my heart like a half-moon in the night sky. All I wanted was your love. God knows how much I love you, but you never knew, you never believed me or trusted in me. I looked up to you, I trusted you, I wanted every bit of you, to mend our lives together sewn into a quilted patchwork of our own, blanketing us until we were cozy and warm where the outside world couldn't hurt us. It's too bad you were afraid of me, that you thought the worst of me. I never meant you any harm, I only wanted to give you everything, to make you better, to give you all I'd saved up inside for the right person. You never let me give any of it to you. You pulled away, retreating so far into yourself that I struggled each night, cold and lonely, wishing there was something more to us.

The confusion is constant. You say I was never there for you, but you never let me close enough to be anything. Still, I let myself love you but all I have to show for it is half a quilt, a load of guilt, and an empty, gutted heart.