Melancholy Lyrics Starters
For messy, complicated, cold shoulder, or vulnerable situations. As always, change pronouns/details/add or warp context as needed.
"You think it's so easy, fucking with my feelings."
"Don't be afraid, the shadows know me."
"I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long."
"I'm getting too high for my own good."
"Surrounded, but still alone..."
"I want someone to love, That's what I fuckin' want!"
"All your friends are Verified, acting like they're first in line."
"Body for a body, I'm so petty."
"I know I've only felt religion when I've lied with you."
"That's not who we are, We are not 'Beautiful.' "
"The truth is up for you to define."
"I wonder if he got the G or the B."
"Even almost got married..."
"I was always by your side."
"Now he's so devoid of color he don't know what it means."
"Let's leave the world behind."
"I hope that you choose to be mine."
"We don't fit in well, we are just ourselves."
"I get so mad that we're not together."
"You say you love me but I Don't Care."
"It doesn't matter where you are."
"I found peace in your violence."
"I'll give you the illusion of feeling love."
"666 with a princess streak."
"All my love's counterfeit, unless you're coming over."
"I wish that you had hurt me harder than I hurt you."
"I just kicked a girl out, I barely even know her."
"You were just a downtown socialite, ship I pass on summer nights, shadow that I can't define."
"If this is your life, then all that matters lives in your mind."
"I got nothing but time for you."
"Loving never gave me a home."
"I know it's hard to let go, I'm the best."
"They won't need to know our names or our faces, but they will carry on for us."
"I'm afraid that I'm'a fuck it up."
"This should be the last time that you leave without me, and the last time you call me 'a friend.' "
"You just gotta choose if you're serious."
"I make up lies inside my head, like 'one day you'll come back to me.' "
"Let's leave the party."
"Wish I could say thank you to him, cause he was an angel."
"Cause _____ name is [their own name], and I'm so good with that."
"You are the remedy."
"If they laugh, then fuck 'em all."
"Isn't it lovely? All alone."
"Feeling so high, but too faraway to hold me."
"If you're in hell, I'll go there, too."
"Every day goes by, I wish I was in your bed."
"I got over what you did already."
"I'll give them shelter like you've done for me."
"I wonder who your friends are, where you go, who you know now?"
"I'm gonna get everything I've been dreaming."
"I don't like the vibes that I feel when I'm sober, I hate the next morning when I wake up and it's over."
"You know I'm the one who put you up there."
"If that's really so wrong, then they don't know what this feeling is like."
"Do you think of my voice when your city gets colder?"
"I believe that loneliness is my disease."
"Have you noticed I've been gone?"
"I've learned from the pain, and turned out amazing."
"You look stunning dear, so don't ask that question here."
"I"m in love with the past."
"If I wasn't me, I'd copy me too."
"Just so you could take advantage of me."
"This just don't feel right to me."
"If you love it, if you hate it, I don't fucking care what you think."
"Need an adversary to my down to marry."
"I'll be fucked up if you can't be right here."
"I've loved and I've lost, but that's not what I see."
"Someone you don't have to change."
"I only asked you to show me a real good time."
"I hope someday I'll make it out of here."
"I'll hope you make it to the day you're 28 years old."
"Name in the sky, does it ever get lonely?"
"Now I'm so amazing."
"You told me love don't exist, and if it does it doesn't last long."
"It's a long way forward, so trust in me."
"You did me wrong cause I let you."
"I got one coming over, and one right now."
"I want to see you smile but, know that means I'll have to leave."
"Tell me how it feels, sitting up there."
"Didn't wanna hurt no one, but you just went and made it fun."
Fandom: Top Gun, Top Gun: Maverick, Hangster, Hangman x Rooster
Summary: Jake gets selected for the assignment of a lifetime, but unfortunately he knows he won't be coming back from it. So he has to make a choice: break the heart of the man he loves now, or have him grieve him when he's gone.
Word Count: 1218
TW: angst, break-up, heartbreak, lies, mentions of a suicide mission, Hangman does what he does out of love
Note: Thank you to the anon who requested this title for the make-up title ask game! I loved it so much, I turned it into a series! 🥰
Part 1, Part 2 (coming soon)
Jake stood in front of the house he had come to think of as another home. The one he had thought he would be starting a family in someday soon. But now as he stared at the door, all he could think about was how he was never going to see it or the man who lived here ever again after today.
Before the Uranium mission, Jake would have sold his soul to get a chance to be selected for his newest mission. If he succeeded, his name would be cemented in the history books for centuries to come. However, win or lose, it was clear this was going to be a one-way trip. He could get in and take out his target, but there was no escape plan. This had been made painfully clear to him since day one, and the old Jake wouldn’t have cared.
But the new Jake finally had something in his life worth living for besides his ego. And now, he was going to have to personally destroy it.
He rapped his knuckles on the door and waited. A moment later, the door opened and Rooster poked his head out.
Jake’s boyfriend chuckled as he quirked his head to the side. “Um… something wrong? Did you forget your key?”
“No, but based on the conversation we need to have, I figured you wouldn’t appreciate me just barging in.” Jake backed away from the door and leaned against the porch railing.
Rooster stepped outside and closed the door. “That sounds ominous. Should I be scared?”
“Depends on how chill you are with what I’m about to tell you.” Jake took a deep breath. “I have a new assignment. I leave tomorrow.”
Rooster’s face darkened in confusion. “What? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? When will you be back?”
“Yeah…” Jake slowly drug out the word. “See that’s the thing. I’m not coming back.”
“Jake, what are you talking about?” Rooster took a step closer and reached out towards his boyfriend.
But Jake pulled back with a huff. “I knew you’d be like this. So clingy and needy, just like always. This is why I was just gonna ghost you. But no. Everyone told me it would be too cruel, even for me. So here I am trying to give you the courtesy of telling you to your face and you’re gonna make this a big deal.”
“A big deal?” Rooster’s voice rose and Jake could see he was beginning to get angry. “You come over and tell me you’re leaving and never coming back and you don’t think that’s a big deal? What the fuck, Jake?”
“No. It’s Hangman. We’re nothing more than colleges now so you don’t get to call me Jake anymore,” Jake sneered. “Not that it really matters since I doubt we’ll be seeing each other again for a while… if at all. I got my dream job. The kind you could only ever dream about. So I don’t see us traveling in the same circles anymore.”
Rooster looked as if Jake had just punched him in the face. He stumbled back a few steps until he was leaning against the side of the house. Then, his voice thick with emotion, he asked, “What, you got a new job so you’re suddenly ready to throw this all away? Everything we talked about? Everything we were building together?”
Jake could see that this was it. This was the moment that he either sold it or this whole thing fell apart. Which meant he needed to bring out the big guns.
They both had taken training classes on interrogation tactics and knew how to spot when someone was lying. The small tells and subconscious ticks that the lier usually didn’t even realize they were doing. The one that always stuck with Jake and the one he often pointed out on a nearly weekly basis when talking with people was “if you look down, they know you’re lying.” And right now, he had to do his best to convince Rooster why he was saying was the truth, no matter how painful it was.
So, he squared his shoulders and looking Rooster dead in the eye, he slowly said, “Get this through that thick, mustachioed skull of yours. You were never anything more to me than something to pass the time. You were fun, but I would’ve settled for anyone to keep me company while I figured out my next move. And the fact you bought into the act just made me look even more pathetic than I thought you were.”
Jake watched Rooster’s heart shatter right before his eyes. He knew how hard it was for Rooster to open himself up to someone after all the loss and betrayal he had endured since he was a kid, but this was still the best option. Rather Rooster lose him now than after Jake’s assignment. At least this way he hopefully wouldn’t care about Jake’s death whereas Jake knew Rooster would have found a way to blame himself if they were still together when he died. Roo would obsess over what he could have said to get Jake to stay or how he should have taken the assignment instead and Jake didn’t want that for the man he loved.
So, he just stood there stiffly, coldy, as Rooster’s face shifted through a hundred different emotions as he tried to grasp the reality of the situation. Finally, with his face twisted in pain, Rooster hissed, “I hate you.”
But as he said it, his eyes shifted down to the ground.
For some reason, that was the moment that almost broke Jake’s resolve. He wanted to run to him, to gather Roo into his arms, tell him everything, and beg for his forgiveness. He wanted to drop to his knee and propose with the ring he had been carrying around in his pocket for the last month. He wanted to take Rooster upstairs and show him how much he actually meant to him.
However, he managed to stay strong. He nodded once and jammed his hands in his pockets. He pulled out his key to the house and placed it on the railing of the porch. “Yeah, well, then I guess we’re done here.”
He turned and started walking down the driveway. It hurt but it was done. And at least now Rooster was safe. Yes, it was true Jake was throwing their relationship away over a job, but Rooster never had to learn the whole truth. He never had to know that the only two active Navy pilots qualified for this assignment were the two of them. He never had to know that Jake would rather die than live without him. However, there was one last thing Rooster had to know before Jake could leave.
When he reached the gate, Jake hesitated. Turning back, he said, “Hey, Roo.”
Rooster looked up at him, his eyes full of tears and his jaw set tightly as he tried to keep his composure. Already the pain on his face when he looked at Jake had turned to rage. Good. Then his plan was working.
Jake took one last look at the man and the life he was leaving behind as he smiled. “I hate you too.”
did he literally have a convo with me one time about how easy it is to take advantage of and manipulate me, and how i am too trusting of people which shows everyone around me that they can mistreat me and get me to do and think whatever they want? yes.
am i also fighting for my life as i struggle to understand whether or not he was manipulating and gaslighting me all through the final conflict? also yes.
“Lately” || A Stephen Holder One Shot (18+ MINORS DNI)
TITLE: “Lately” || A Stephen Holder One Shot (18+ MINORS DNI)
FANDOM: “The Killing” (AMC/Netflix Series)
CHARACTER: Homicide Detective Stephen Holder
PAIRING: Female Reader + Stephen Holder
MAIN STORYLINE: Sometimes, drifting away might be the only option.
Author’s Note: Here’s my angst with Stephen! As a warning, this One-Shot also includes SMUT content. (18+ Minors DNI) Adult themes, strong language, etc.
“Yo, it's me. Baby?” His voice calls out to you as he uses one long-time given key to enter this shared apartment. On the other hand, you keep that bedroom door slightly ajar, but don’t respond right away, still packing your favorite suitcase.
“In here.” You answer him at last, zipping up that suitcase in question and setting this luggage down onto the bedroom floor. Overhead lights prove dim enough to almost feel black, but you know better than to keep Holder in shadows at night.
“Hey….I…what’s going on?” He knocks on the doorway, but folds both sleeved arms, wearing another sweatshirt with jeans and sneakers to beat Seattle chill once more.
“I’m out of here, Stephen.” It isn’t long before you nearly deadpan this response in an effort to stay leveled. Showing too much emotion would’ve rattled your own nerves, especially since you’ve quietly worried about him over the past few months.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” The concern found in his perfect hazel eyes would’ve usually shattered your own heart.
Not anymore.
This entire time you had understood his job completely, but now, it was as if he just treated you like some kind of roommate.
Too many close calls. Too many hospital visits. Too many nights sitting alone and waiting in the living room for nothing. To make matters worse, him keeping you in the dark never felt like safety.
“I can’t do this anymore.” You clear your throat, rolling your suitcase forward until it finally reaches Holder’s eyesight.
“Do what? Talk to me, Mama. What’s wrong?” His words nearly trembled again as Holder struggles. Even you flinch away as he tries to reach and smooth your opposite arm.
“You barely eat after coming home. You sleep in the guest room now. You toss your sweatshirt in the washer and watch basketball games without even talking to me. We’re just here, no longer connected. What am I supposed to do?” You admit the truth, no matter how difficult it feels.
“Look, I’m sorry. You don’t have to leave. Things aren’t easy now, but you really don’t have to leave. Please?” Holder then sets both hands into his pockets while facing and steps back, struggling to answer once more.
“Actions speak louder than words, Stephen.” You utter his first name, fed up without yelling out loud. Other tenants surely aimed for peace and quiet this evening. “Besides, my flight’s booked for tomorrow morning.”
“Where would you go?” He furrows his brow, lowering the voice that usually would’ve melted you from top to bottom.
“Why does it matter?” You defend yourself and of course there’s no other choice. “I’ve already talked to our landlord about this, too. Covered the rent until next year, too, okay? You’ll be fine.”
“I don’t care about the rent.” Stephen tries to persuade you again, gently catching your wrist this time without causing too much harm. “All I want is you.”
“Haven’t acted like it.” You respond, even as he slowly pulls you in to nearly embrace against his clothed chest. Even that grip on your suitcase almost immediately falls off, leaving the luggage to fall onto carpet of the living room.
Standing nose to nose as Stephen nearly towers your height, you feel the warmth of his body. His own breaths calm you. Even nagging thoughts quiet down. You then remember the first time you met him, in the same Seattle rain plummeting now.
“Come back. I’m sorry.” I love you. I love you so much.” He opens enough space between each of you and caresses your face with both hands.
“I love you, too.” You’re now leaning in for this kiss and no longer hesitate, soon joining his lips with your own to accept that apology.
_________
He sweetly offers to use a condom before laying you down on the bed and plunging into your core without fail. He fits like a glove for the first time in weeks, naked above you and shadowing dark nk of never-ending tattoos right onto your body.
Despite every accented thrust inside of you, his own kisses now feel slow and purposeful along your skin.
“I’m sorry.” Stephen whispers to you over and over again and he knows just how close this breakup had been. He knows better now.
“I forgive you.” You tremble beneath. No one else even thought about him like this and you would always remember how much society failed this man. Your beautiful man.
Stephen’s pace stutters above you before he can even realize it and he spills into the condom, almost heaving as sweat falls onto your joined bodies.
“Hey,” Stephen grins against your lips, ghosting another sweet kiss that doesn’t quite meet your own lips now.
“Hi,” You mumble back towards him, deliciously exhausted. Between the shadows of this bedroom, he still rests within your core, but then reaches out to gently caress your face.
Tresses of your own hair fall out of place and his finger moves to set it back in form. Those perfect hazels return to make eye contact and bore right into your soul.
“I’ll do better. Promise.” His voice is lower than usual, but you silently accept his vow and fall asleep in his safe arms minutes later.
hey kat, i hope youre doing well. tldr, my girlfriend broke up with me last week and im having a rough time. it was a great relationship, we had amazing communication, we were both convinced wed marry eachother one day. the problem is that shes leaving town for work, and im not. despite us always saying we would do long distance, now that its two months away shes just... realized she cant do it. and i completely understand why, and i respect her reasons - but i just feel so heartbroken. i really, truly love her, and i know this is the right thing in the long run, but it just feels so wrong. i didnt know she had any issues with the long distance plan until she was breaking up with me. i dont think she did until recently, either. its just really hard. any advice would be appreciated, but no stress, just being able to write this out somewhere and tell somebody already helps a ton
I'm deeply sorry that circumstances are forcing you and this person you love apart, but even though it hurts like hell it's better to walk away than to stay in a situation you can't both thrive in. I know that doesn't make it any less painful to say goodbye, but it's better that you part ways now than stay in a situation which won't work out
Red X for posted, white X for requested! Send in your requests! If you don’t see a prompt here that you already requested, please send it again!
~
This is a series. Start here. Continued from here.
This is a sequel to Honor Bound, Honor Bound 2, Honor Bound 3, Honor Bound 4, Honor Bound 5, and the prequel Vera.
AO3
Content warning: flashbacks, past whump of a minor, past captivity, imagined death, past drug whump, past implied noncon of a minor, gendered slurs, touch aversion, PTSD, past death of a sibling, past noncon body modification, vomiting, past breakup, Gavin’s hallucinations, Gavin’s past parental abuse
~
Edrissa wailed, rag-doll limp, in Vera’s arms. She took great, heaving breaths, trembling violently in Vera’s lap in the front seat of the car, chest aching with each shuddering sob. Tori’s fingers were locked on the wheel and she glanced again at Edrissa, wrapped tight in Vera’s embrace. The car wasn’t running. They sat outside the blue duplex, one window lit by the living room light they’d left on. The sky above them was dark, blurred by Edrissa’s tears.
“Shh,” Vera soothed, gently running her fingers through Edrissa’s hair. “Shh. It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“P-ple-ease,” Edrissa moaned, her nose running onto Vera’s shirt. “N-no, please, I-I’m s-sorry…”
“Just breathe,” Vera murmured. “Just breathe, Edrissa, you’re okay.”
“Let’s go inside,” Tori said in a shaking voice.
Edrissa sobbed, open mouthed, against Vera’s shoulder. “Okay, come on,” Vera mumbled, and shifted Edrissa in her arms. Edrissa heard Vera fumbling at the door handle once, twice, before she gripped it and pushed the door open. “Let’s go inside. Come on.” Edrissa felt like an empty husk as Vera half-dragged her from the car and put her on her feet, wobbling when her legs buckled. The cool air made goosebumps ripple up her skin.
“Come on, girl,” Vera murmured, slinging Edrissa’s arm around her neck. “Come on. Walk.”
Come on, honey. Come here.
“N-no,” Edrissa sobbed. “Please.”
Tori rushed past them to unlock the front door. Vera’s arm wrapped tight around Edrissa’s waist as Edrissa hobbled along at her side, head bent, tears pouring down her face and onto her dress. Edrissa flinched away from the sudden light as Tori opened the door and light spilled out over the walkway.
“Come on—”
Come on, honey.
“Come on,” Vera murmured. “Let’s get into the house. Then let’s talk.”
Edrissa’s fingers twisted in her dress as she sobbed wordlessly. Sweat glistened on her forehead. Her legs collapsed beneath her.
“Shit,” Vera spat, struggling with Edrissa’s dead-weight as Tori stepped forward to help. Edrissa flinched away from the tightness in Vera’s voice. She shivered as Vera locked her arms around her waist and dragged her into the house. Edrissa’s face was flushed, almost cherry-red, and glazed with tears as Vera helped her over the threshold. Each sob was harsh and rough, her whole body shuddering with each breath. Tori and Vera took Edrissa’s weight together – and began moving towards the bedroom at the back of the house.
Edrissa’s head snapped up. Her stomach lurched, and she felt like she might be sick. “N-no!” she heaved, fingers clawing into Vera’s arms, her feet scrabbling across the floor. “No, please! Please! D-don’t lock me in my room, don’t— Please don’t let Isaac come kill me!”
Every muscle in Vera’s and Tori’s bodies locked as if an electric shock had coursed through them. Edrissa cringed back, preparing for a blow, for a shout, for a hand to wind around her neck over the collar and press down, and down, and down…
Without a word, Vera and Tori turned away from the bedroom and guided Edrissa to the couch instead. Edrissa’s legs were shaking so hard she couldn’t stand up. Her fists ached from her clenching them so hard, an echo of an ache from months and months ago, fists pounding on the solid oak door of her room as she sobbed and sobbed to be let out, even if it was for that, even for him…
Vera and Tori eased her onto the couch. Edrissa slumped against it, sobbing hard, shaking, her arms wrapping around herself as she cried. Vera and Tori sat down beside her, on either side. Vera’s hand rested gently on Edrissa’s shoulder. Tori stroked her fingers through Edrissa’s hair, humming softly.
“No,” Edrissa whimpered, curling into a ball and rocking back and forth. “N-no, please, no, no please don’t let him—” She choked as she imagined Isaac pinning her down, pulling out his gun and pressing it to her throat, to her head – drawing his knife and dragging it over her skin, deciding where to slide it into her first – wrapping his hands around her neck and squeezing the life out of her until she lay dead on the floor, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling as Isaac smiled.
Horror broke over Edrissa, flaying her alive. She hunched lower on the couch, slapped her hands over her ears, and screamed. The sound was long and broken. Edrissa’s throat went raw.
“H-he’s g-going to, to kill me!” she shrieked. She shuddered and sobbed, pressing her face against the cushions. All she could hear was the roaring in her ears.
Firm hands wrapped around her wrists and pulled her hands away from her ears. She trembled, whining softly, turning her head away and squeezing her eyes shut.
“—drisa.”
Vera’s voice. Edrissa’s breath hitched.
“Shh, Edrissa, just breathe.”
Tori.
“P-please,” Edrissa begged. “Please, please, he’s going to… Please let me go, please let me…” She forced her eyes open. The room spun around her and she leaned, nauseous, against the couch. Her shoulder sank into the cushions. Vera’s steady gaze held hers. Her mouth was puckered, her eyebrows pulled together in worry.
“P-please let me go,” Edrissa whispered, desperate.
Vera wet her lips and released Edrissa’s wrists. “We… we can let you go, Edrissa. You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want to. But… please, let’s just… just talk—”
“He’s coming for me,” Edrissa croaked. Her body felt numb. She struggled to her feet and pitched to the side as the room dipped around her.
Did they drug me?
Just like—
She collapsed to the couch again, shuddering at the memory. The wine tipped against her lips, the bitter wash of it over her tongue, as if she didn’t know it was drugged, as if she didn’t know it would leave her pliable and dizzy and weak. As if it could provide an escape from this hell, an escape from the hot mouth and clutching hands of her owner, as if she wouldn’t be unceremoniously dropped onto satin sheets, as if he wouldn’t crawl on top of her and whisper in her ear how beautiful she looked like this, as if she wouldn’t have to squeeze her eyes shut and pray for the drug to take away her senses, pray for oblivion to come before he started to move in her, as if she wouldn’t be beaten by his wife afterwards for daring to be her husband’s little slut…
She lurched forward and gagged. Bile burned the back of her throat.
I was never going to die, though. He was never going to let me die.
Shaking, she pushed herself upright again. “I n-need to go,” she croaked.
“Edrissa, listen to me,” Vera snapped. Edrissa went perfectly still, staring up at Vera with wide eyes.
“No one. Is going. To kill you,” Vera murmured. Her eyes flashed. Edrissa whimpered and moved to get up again, but the set of Vera’s mouth kept her firmly in place.
“B-but—”
“You’ve seen me put Isaac on his ass,” Vera said, the words spoken through her teeth. “I’m telling you, he is not coming to kill you. But even if he did… Come on, Edrissa. I’d lay him out and that’s a goddamn fact.”
Edrissa swallowed hard. But you’ve never been fighting for real. You weren’t actually trying to hurt each other.
And he’s only gotten stronger. He’s only gotten stronger since Gavin was taken.
Something prickled in the back of her mind. She wondered if… if things would have been different, if she had let it slip to someone – anyone – that the Stormbeck heir was alive and well, fucking the man he tortured less than days before. She wondered if Gavin would have been taken sooner. She wondered if she would have been rewarded for his capture.
Isaac definitely would kill me then. He’d know, somehow. He’d know.
“Hey,” Vera said, her voice a little softer than it had been before. She ducked and caught Edrissa’s gaze. “Hey. Listen to me. You’re safe.”
Edrissa silently shook her head, trembling. She strained to hear the sound of the team’s other car pulling down the street, the sound of Isaac’s heavy boots on the sidewalk outside, of his rough hand on the door handle—
“H-he’s going to kill me,” she breathed. Her throat was too tight to make a sound. She was paralyzed with fear, her heart thundering in her chest. Blood rushed through her ears, blunting her hearing. “He’s going to—”
“I’m not going to let him,” Vera said, her voice smooth and gentle. “And…” She bit her lip and glanced at Tori. “And neither is Gavin.”
Edrissa flinched and whimpered softly at the name. She wrapped her arms tighter around her chest and rocked forward, back. Forward, back.
It didn’t make any sense. She’d been locked in a bathroom with Gavin Stormbeck, with a knife on the floor, with no one coming to help her… and he’d protected her from Isaac.
He’d protected her.
He only wants me for himself, she thought bitterly, her mouth twisting. He only wants to, to save me for later…
But he’d put his body between her and Isaac. It wasn’t an accident, either. He pulled her behind him, and…
She raised a shaking hand to her mouth. This spring, when I held the knife to my throat, he could have done it then… there was no one else in the house. No one else on the whole property.
She shuddered and shook her head. It makes no sense.
She raised her gaze to Vera and looked her dead in the eye. There was no trace of anger there, no bitterness from earlier this afternoon when Vera had snarled at her with bared teeth, “No one deserves that.” Vera looked worried, and hard, but not angry. She wasn’t touching Edrissa, either. It was almost as though Vera knew that Edrissa felt like her skin would burst into flame and peel off her body if anyone touched her.
“Y-you know the Stormbecks better than anyone,” Edrissa whispered.
The corners of Vera’s mouth turned down. “Maybe,” she said softly. “Maybe not. I think at this point we’ve all—”
“Why would Gavin do that?” Edrissa said through trembling lips. Vera fell silent and evenly returned her gaze.
“Why would Gavin do… what, Edrissa?” Tori said gently from Edrissa’s other side. The couch shifted under her.
Edrissa held Vera’s gaze. You know, she thought, not even able to speak the words out loud.
Vera set her jaw and blew out a slow breath between her lips. She chewed the inside of her cheek and finally let her gaze drop. “Why would he… stop Isaac?” she croaked. Her eyes lost focus, and she stared blankly at a spot on Edrissa’s dress.
Edrissa bit her lip and nodded silently.
Vera drew another breath in, another breath out. “I… think you might have a hard time believing me.”
Edrissa blanched. Her throat tightened painfully and she twisted her fingers in her skirt. So there was a reason, something only Vera could understand, something that had to do with Gavin’s syndicate blood and syndicate name. She swallowed hard and tried to keep from trembling.
Vera raised her eyes to Tori’s, then Edrissa’s. “For the same reason he almost, um… let you kill him.” Edrissa flinched. Vera wet her lips. “Because… h-he hates himself for what he’s done. And… he won’t let anyone else die… because of it.”
Edrissa blinked. Her tears were drying on her cheeks. A hint of a headache was beginning to pound at the base of her skull.
“Edrissa…” Vera tilted her head at her, and Edrissa squirmed under the scrutiny. “What would it mean for you… if Gavin really was good? If he was… safe?”
Edrissa’s heart lurched. “He’s not—”
“But if he was,” Tori said gently, leaning in. “It’s a good question. What would that mean? If it was true, for you?”
Tears brimmed in Edrissa’s eyes again. Nausea crept down her throat and with her next breath, an ache tore open next to her heart – an ache that tasted and smelled and stung like grief. Like Micah. She squeezed the long-healed spot on her arm where her tattoo, and then her brand, had been.
“Um…” She tasted her tears as they rolled down her cheeks. “It w-would mean… n-no one ever pays. For what… for what Sir did. For what he d-did to my brother, and… and wh-what he did to me…”
She groaned and bent forward at the waist. She could feel him, smell him, felt sick with the pounding of her heart. She could feel the fingerprints on her skin from the nights when Sir brought her to his bed, and the walls would spin with the drug sliding through her veins, and she’d be sick with the motion of his body against hers, and she’d cry for her mother, for her home, for Micah, and he would taste her tears and smile and say ‘you’re beautiful, honey, so lovely like this…’
She slapped a hand over her own mouth as her stomach bucked. Vera and Tori both moved towards her as she leapt to her feet and sprinted to the bathroom. She barely made it to the toilet before she fell to her knees and vomited up everything she’d eaten for dinner.
Warm hands held her hair away from her face. When she was done she turned, blindly falling into the solid arms that waited. Tight curls brushed her cheek. Another pair of arms wrapped around her, and Vera’s calloused fingers brushed her arm.
“It would mean nobody pays!” Edrissa shrieked. The bathroom shook with the sound of her voice. “N-no, nobody, nobody pays! F-for me and, and Micah, and m-my life and… n-nobody pays for what he did to me!” The warm arms rocked her gently, and the tiles were cold under her knees. She pressed her face to Tori’s shoulder and sobbed, open mouthed. Her throat felt like it was being torn open.
“Somebody should pay,” Vera whispered against Edrissa’s hair. “Someone should pay for what they did to you. It wasn’t fair. It was evil.”
Edrissa sobbed harder and shuddered in their arms. “I j-just wanted someone to pay!” she wailed. Her lungs burned in her chest. “I j-just wanted someone to, to fucking pay!”
“Yeah,” Vera rasped. “I know.”
“Breathe, Edrissa,” Tori said gently, her voice steady and even. “Breathe.”
Edrissa gagged again as she fought for air, shaking and sobbing in their arms. “I j-just, I just want to make them pay!”
“I know,” Vera said. “I know. I know I would. I did.”
“We should have understood better,” Tori murmured. Vera went still, her arms still wrapped around them both. Edrissa’s tears soaked into Tori’s shirt. “I’m so sorry. We should have… I should have seen how much you were still suffering. Being taken away from it doesn’t make it go away.”
“I should have seen that, too,” Vera said. There was an edge to her voice now. They all three swayed back and forth, sitting on the bathroom floor together. “I… of all people, should have…”
“I j-just want to hurt hi— them,” Edrissa sobbed. “I just want them to, to feel what they did to me and… and…”
“Yeah,” Vera murmured. “Yeah.”
Edrissa shivered, even as her skin prickled with sweat under her dress. Her fingernails dug into Tori’s arms. She coughed raggedly and stirred, swiping her hand across her mouth. Vera’s and Tori’s arms loosened around her. When they both sat back, she met both their gazes in turn. They were both staring at her with open concern. Vera’s eyes were red, and her lips were trembling.
Slowly, Edrissa looked down at her hands, curled limply in her lap. They were clean, not stained with Gavin’s blood – like she had planned. “Wh-what did I do?” she breathed.
“Nothing none of us haven’t done,” Vera said. The laugh trembling on the edge of her voice was brittle, twisted.
Edrissa raised her head to look at Vera. “It isn’t funny,” she whispered, a tendril of cold washing through her stomach.
Vera’s mouth snapped shut, sobered. “I know,” she said quickly. “Sorry. I just…” She shrugged. “I mean, you’re one of like… three people to directly try and kill Gavin now? And we’ve all wanted to, just…” She fell silent and chewed her lip. “Just not… recently.”
Edrissa wiped her nose on the back of her hand and winced when it came away slicked with tears and snot. Tori reached for the toilet paper and handed her a few squares. She blew her nose noisily and heaved a shaking breath.
“Am I…” Edrissa’s throat tightened. “A-am I kicked out of the family?”
“No,” Vera said.
“Absolutely not,” Tori murmured at the same time.
“It’s gonna take some time for everyone to, um, calm down around this,” Vera said carefully. “But, hey.” She ducked into Edrissa’s line of sight. “We’ll work it out.”
Edrissa’s throat spasmed shut, and more tears rolled down her cheeks. “D-does Sam hate me?” she choked. She could barely draw breath.
Vera cast a glimpse at Tori, then back at Edrissa. “I don’t think so,” she said gently. “Sam’s… a very forgiving person. And I’m sure they understand.”
“I-I’ve been a shit to them,” Edrissa whimpered. She leaned against the cabinets with a sob. “B-but they… they didn’t… they stayed, when—”
“I know,” Vera said.
Edrissa twisted her fingers through the hem of her dress. Her knuckles went white and bloodless. “It w-was like they didn’t care,” she whispered.
Vera sat back on her heels. “…yeah,” she murmured.
“I w-want to talk to them,” Edrissa whispered. “I… I know they’re at Gray’s, but… I want to… can I…?”
“Um…” Tori reached out one hand. Edrissa slid hers into her grasp. “We can text Gray, and have Gray ask Sam if they could talk to you when they’re done. But we probably shouldn’t interrupt… them.”
Edrissa nodded jerkily. Her fingers were starting to go numb in the fist she had made in her skirt. “H-he thought I was Schiester,” she said weakly.
Tori and Vera both went perfectly still. “Wh-what?” Vera said, a new edge to her voice.
Edrissa sniffed and released her skirt, looking down at the light shining on the white tiles on the floor. “Gavin thought I was Schiester,” she murmured. “He thought he was hallucinating. He thought I was… w-was him.”
“Oh, fuck,” Vera whispered.
“He told me some… things,” Edrissa said. She wiped her eyes. “Things that his parents, um… d-did to him. And… and made him do.” When no one spoke, she said, “L-like, um… like leave him with a dead body when he was, um, really young. Because he didn’t want to, um… because he didn’t like it.”
Her voice trailed away to nothing. Vera’s hands tightened into fists on her thighs. “Really wish I could kill those motherfuckers again,” she hissed.
Edrissa nodded and swallowed hard. “D-do you… do you think that was the truth? What he said?”
“I wouldn’t be at all surprised,” Tori said darkly.
“You bet your fucking ass I do,” Vera said through her teeth. Edrissa shivered, raising her gaze to Vera, before she realized the anger wasn’t meant for her. It was meant for people who were dead – people who were just like the ones who hurt her.
The only sound in the bathroom for a long time was the sound of the three of them breathing, and the sound of Edrissa’s pulse in her own ears. Tori’s hand lay still in hers. Vera absentmindedly leaned against Edrissa’s shoulder and rested a hand on her arm.
After a long moment, Vera drew in a quick breath and sat upright. “Let me text Gray,” she said, and pulled out the phone. She shot off a text and tucked it back into her pocket. “And, um… can we move back to the living room? I’m sorry, I just… sitting on these tiles is—”
“—not good,” Tori finished with a wry chuckle.
“Yeah,” Edrissa murmured, wiping her eyes again. “Um… c-could I…?”
Vera and Tori looked at her expectantly. “What is it?” Tori said gently.
“Um, can I, um… stay with you? Tonight?” Edrissa chewed her lip. She shivered at the thought of being alone on her side of the duplex, in the dark, with only a lock on the door keeping Isaac from breaking in and holding a gun to her head and—
“Yeah,” Vera said, after a glance at Tori. “Yeah. If you wanted, um… I don’t know if you’d want to, but, the bed is huge, I think it’s a king, and—”
Vera took in a deep breath and pulled herself to her feet using the sink. She groaned as she straightened, then reached out a hand to help Tori. Edrissa slowly got to her feet as well.
“Let’s go grab your blanket and pillow from next door,” Vera said gently, winding her arm around Edrissa’s shoulders. Edrissa’s eyes brimmed with tears as she looked up at Vera. Her heart twisted in gratitude. “And then let’s head to bed. It’s been a long goddamn day.”
Edrissa’s breath hitched, and the tears came spilling down her cheeks.
