Things That Dr. Cairns Could Say When There Is A Chaos Insurgent In His Dorm And His Husband Walks Into The Room And The Insurgent Says, "Why Is Dr. Bright In Your Dorm?"
"We're married." (basic option, boring)
"Wait, Dr. Bright? How'd you get in here?" (best said with utter confusion)
(Jack says this in utter confusion) "Dr. Cairns? How'd you get in my dorm?"
"So that's what happened at the party last night."
"Wait a second. Dr. Bright, don't you have a husband? What the actual ████-"
"[make up a name]? [Name]... what happened? Why are you wearing... oh no."
"Why are you in my dorm?" (said to the Insurgent)
"Why are you in our dorm?" (said to the Insurgent)
(Jack says this) "Why are you in his dorm?" (said to the Insurgent)
(Jack says this) "Why are you in our dorm?" (said to the Insurgent)
"Actually, I'm in his dorm." (said to the Insurgent)
(Jack says this) "Actually, he's in my dorm." (said to the Insurgent)
"Wait a second, I thought you were [make up a name]! You- you killed him! How dare you!"
"He's teaching me Klingon."
"He's teaching me French."
"He's teaching me the true meaning of Christmas/Hanukkah/any winter holiday." (bonus points if this happens in midsummer)
"My private life is none of your concern."
(Jack says this) "My private life is none of your concern."
"Why isn't he in my dorm?"
"That's a good question. Hey, Jack, why are you in my dorm?"
"That's a good question. Hey, Jack, why are you in our dorm?"
"Jack, we broke up two years ago. It's over. Just stop trying."
"That's not funny! He died here a year ago on this very day!" (this is best followed up with Jack saying "Lach, stop telling people about my deaths!")
"Wait, this isn't the Wanderer's Library!"
(in complete horror) "Dad?"
"He's helping me with a computer problem."
(see #31) "Oh, my computer's operating system turned sentient, he's just helping me put it down."
"Oh, my computer's operating system turned sapient, he's just helping me put it down."
"He was just telling me about Star Trek." (cue Jack talking about Star Trek for the next two hours until the Insurgent just leaves)
"What do you think he's doing in my room?"
"What do you think I'm doing in his room?"
"It's Valentine's Day, what do you think he's doing in my room?"
"It's Valentine's Day, what do you think I'm doing in his room?" (bonus points if it isn't Valentine's Day)
(in a mom voice) "Jack [make up a middle name (bonus points if it's Anakin)] Bright, what do you think you're doing in my room?"
"We were having a sleepover. Now, do you want your nails painted or not?"
"Oh, that's not Dr. Bright, that's his evil twin Dr. Dark."
(see #42) "Important cross-test."
"MOM! Jack's in my room again!"
(see #1) "It was our wedding night, what do you think he's doing in my room?"
"Exactly what you'd expect."
