#burnt primary

[reds-burrow]

What about really really burned badger primaries? Can one be in a constant state of being burned from a young age, because life turned out to be not nice, just as people did. With a need for connection and community, but never having one, or maybe never being safe and sure, or accepted, one just drifts. Maybe not. Family would be a community, even if its rougher around the edges, and so would other places with people that do accept one, even slightly. Right?

There's a reason Burnt Badger Primaries tend to look like Snake Primaries. No matter how painful it is, that instinct, to latch onto a group, no matter how small, is a part of us. A fully isolated Badger Primary is unsustainable. They either will latch onto someone, even an imagined someone, or they won't survive. It is possible to get to a place of hurt and bitterness so intense that they try pushing everyone away, but that's a Badger pushed to the brink. They'll still feel awful about that lack of connection with others, just as they'll still feel guilty when they fail to serve the larger group. This can cause a rather nasty feedback loop, since one of the other common ways to burn a Badger is exhaustion. Caring is exhausting. Caring leads to guilt, and guilt is exhausting, and exhaustion leads to trying to help fewer people, closing ranks around a select few, closing your eyes to the others you are too tired to help. But then something will open your eyes again and you see that no matter how hard you've tried to close off your heart, you still care. And caring is exhausting.

(Some ways to break the cycle: recognizing self-care still helps the group because it allows you to stay in shape to help others; forgiving yourself for being human; focus on people in the present instead of overwhelming yourself with past mistakes or future possibilities; recognize you aren't alone in the community so you shouldn't shoulder it all by yourself; treat yourself with the care you give others in your community because you are in that community too; if you don't have one already, keep searching for a community of people that respect your boundaries)

[wisteria-lodge]

New to sorting hat chats as of a few days ago (though I have binge read your blog a bit....) and I think I might be a burnt double bird (rapid fire) + double snake model, with the primary model being exploded. Curious what your take would be on something like that, even if it doesn't align with my experience (as there's obviously many ways to be the same thing.)

You can absolutely model Burnt or Exploded primaries. 100%. A Burnt Bird primary modeling an Exploded Snake primary actually makes a lot of sense (I don't trust myself to think, but I DO trust this other person, might as well just latch on and start building my life around them.) It's similar to the thing Burnt Lions do a lot, where they don't trust their own morality, but they do trust the morality of a person/thing outside themselves - and try to make do.

[garsideofthemoon]

How would you sort the characters from TGCF ?

For context @wisteria-lodge asked people from the shc community to help with sorting asks!

Warning for spoilers for all 5 books.

TL;DR XL double lion, HC double snake, JW lion/badger, QR snake/lion, SQX double lion, HX snake/badger

Xie Lian is a double lion with a burnt primary.

Rationale for Lion primary: As a young person he believed acted according to his moral principles (the 'body in abyss heart in paradise line') and despite going through the fucking wringer continues to do his best to act according to his principles (even after everything he goes through in books 2 and 4, he still tries to help people in the present day). I think he's burnt initially because of how much he puts himself down in the earlier books.

Rationale for Lion secondary: This guy just charges in lol. He's a pretty classic lion secondary. One of the fun things about getting to read his internal monologue is seeing people around him freak out or try to figure out the best action to take while goes 'lol okay let's go!!'

Hua Cheng is a double snake.

Rationale for Snake primary: He's a pretty classic Snake love interest character with regards to his primary. There's one person in his inner circle (Xie Lian) and while he's incredibly devoted to Xie Lian he doesn't really care about anyone who isn't Xie Lian lol.

Rationale for Snake secondary: He doesn't make detailed plans (ruling out bird or badger) and seems to enjoy improvising or putting on disguises in a way that seems very Snake.

Jun Wu I think is an extremely burnt lion primary with a badger secondary.

Rationale for Lion primary: As a foil for Xie Lian he initially believes strongly in saving his kingdom, being an upstanding leader etc. However unlike Xie Lian, who persists in trying to do the right thing, Jun Wu completely breaks down and becomes a calamity.

Rationale for Badger secondary: This guy spent hundreds of years setting up Xie Lian's downfall and various other events in the story. He doesn't seem very interested in tool acquisition which is why I didn't say bird.

Qi Rong is a snake/lion. His primary motivation seems to be a few select people he cares about (first Xie Lian, then Guzi). As for his secondary he just kinda seems to do stuff lol.

Shi Qingxuan is a double lion. They're pretty impulsive and are more driven by ideals than by the people in their life.

He Xuan is probably a snake badger. He's primarily motivated by a few people in his life (his family and their deaths) and does a lot of scheming to avenge them.

[wyrdnis]

Hello, I have a small question - have you ever burned your primary? How would a lion primary deal with the feelings that the thigns and steps they are taking day by day don't really have any meaning they can vibe with and get behind?

Hi Anon! It's interesting that you're calling this a small question. ;-) When I tried to answer it, it took me back to a time during which I thought my primary had been burnt, complete with reading my journal of 2010 - it was rather illuminating.

The answer I've come to is: I'm not sure if I've ever burned my primary. I did experience a time when I felt that my inner structure, including my moral guidelines, wasn't really there anymore, and also that my intuition was biased and thus couldn't really be trusted. It led to me making some choices I might not have made had I not felt this confused about were I was in my life and what my priorities were, and, together with other factors, to an emotional crisis.

But looking back at the ways in which I fought to get myself out of that mess I was in - I don't think I ever completely lost faith in my inner compass. I struggled to recalibrate it, after having learnt about (the concept of) internalized bias and having had a few lapses in judgment, so I suppose that counts as singed primary. But I did that recalibration using exactly the processes I'd always used to solve problems: Check in with myself, how I felt about things. Write intuitively about what bothered me to get closer to the centre of it all, the place that told me: "that's it". When I read that old diary, I can see the process of me writing myself out of this state of distrust in myself towards starting to listen to my intuition and self-knowledge again. To regain a truly deep trust in my inner lion knowledge took a very, very long time - but the knowledge was still there, and whether I was able to believe in it varied greatly from day to day, hour to hour.

So... I don't think I've ever had that kind of... loss of purpose that you're describing. I struggle a lot with the fact (?) that I don't do enough to, idk, help save the world, but that's my burnt secondary getting attacked by my Badger secondary model, I think. I second-guess myself a lot, but I think that's my Bird primary model making sure my Lion doesn't run away with its wild ideas. Under all of that, my primary is fine. When I lose contact to it for a short while (which does happen), I can always work my way back to it through art, writing and being in nature.

Which means that I'm immensely lucky and privileged. And sadly unable to properly answer your actual question, I guess?

Let's ask some other Lion primaries! Hey, fellow Lion primaries! Have you had the experience Anon is describing? If so, how did you deal with it? Or have you had an entirely different burning experience? I'd love to hear about that very much.

Thank you, Anon, for your question. As you can see it was very inspiring to me, even though I only answered part of it.

[reds-burrow]

Hi everyone. I am so, so sorry for my absence, particularly to those who I left mid-conversation. Long story sorta short, I’ve been dealing with an incredibly important life decision, and I was doing a spectacular job ignoring the stress it was inducing until my autoimmune disease said nice try. So my body failed me, which always adds the bonus stress of feeling useless to those around me and is the initial reason I vanished from tumblr. Thing is, after a week away, I realized how relieved I felt. Because while I was facing my life decision, I was also having every instinct in me screaming out to drop every non-essential activity I was involved in. I felt completely overwhelmed. Actually, I still feel overwhelmed. I’m going in circles on my decision because I can’t fully reconcile everything that I’m feeling about it and I definitely can’t reconcile all the different opinions the people I love are giving me about it. To put things in SHC terms, being an External Primary can get super confusing at times, and getting conflicting yet valid information from all sides can make you feel like you’re drowning and you don’t know which way shore is. I know Birds go through this when they can’t find what is Right and True, but for me, my Badger can’t find the Fair option, the option that hurts everyone the least. No matter what I choose, I’m going to be letting someone down. So, my primary is burning, probably because I’ve been at least partially exploded and running myself ragged for a while now.

Anyway. I’m not back full time. That life decision I have to make still hasn’t been made yet. There’s one last person I must speak with before I can even attempt to find my footing again, so I’m trying to take things easy on myself in preparation for the moment. I should warn y’all I’m considering closing my inbox for a little while so I can concentrate on the asks I've neglected for a month. Or I might even focus purely on character sortings for a bit because that’s really where I have the most fun with SHC. I hope you understand.

[wisteria-lodge]

Hey there! I was wondering, is it possible to unBurn Bird Primary/Badger Secondary?

It's always possible to unBurn. Most of the people I interact with here have done it, or are in the process of doing it. I actually think this system self-selects for Burnt people, because no other personality system has vocabulary to talk about that exact phenomenon.

Healing is time-consuming. It's messy. It's hard. It's kind of boring. Shakespeare said that no wound ever healed but by degrees, he knew what he was talking about. Whatever younger me may have thought - there is no book, or haircut, or person, or epiphany arrived at by standing in a rainstorm that will heal you all at once. Healing is the kind of thing that seems to be going nowhere, and then sneaks up on you.

[reds-burrow]

What should a Burned Badger do if they had to leave their group to remain safe but can't seem to fit in anywhere else? :(

First, I'm so sorry. That's a painful situation to be in. Good job knowing when to leave. I know that wasn't easy. Now, call me an optimist, but I firmly believe there is a place for you. Please don't underestimate how big this world is. I suggest looking into clubs for your hobbies or classes for a hobby you want to learn. No matter your age, you'd be surprised what sort of opportunities are out there. If there isn't a physical club in your area, try an online one. Chat boards, discords, subreddits, and such can be a good place to dip your toes into a community again. Just reading and hearing that others care about the same things as you can generate a feeling of community. Be patient with yourself. Being burnt can make connecting to others again feel frustrating and overwhelming, so if something starts too feel like too much, it's perfectly okay to take a step back. The goal is to find a place you feel safe again and that will likely take time and practice listening to yourself.

[reds-burrow]

How can a very burned badger unburn? What if one doesn't even believe that's possible? Being unburned sounds like a dangerous and silly state to be in.

From your last sentence, I'm going to assume you're talking about a Badger primary, not a secondary, and that you're talking specifically about people-oriented Badgers, not tradition-oriented Badgers. I'm also guessing that you're talking about yourself, and that you burned because you think caring for all people is simply impossible and irrational.

And I get it. I understand exactly what you mean by "dangerous and silly" because I've nearly burned myself. The pandemic hurt me in a way I didn't anticipate. I would watch the news and be in tears. Everyone was suffering, and I felt powerless to help anyone. It took sending in this ask (back in my lurker days) and a lot of subsequent self-reflection before I realized I was no longer empathizing, but sympathizing. (To be perfectly clear here, I'm using the Merriam-Webster dictionary's definition of the two.) It's a common struggle for Badger primaries, walking the line between the two, and the quarantine had sent me spinning off course. I usually save my sympathy for my friends and loved ones, but suddenly not seeing them caused me to start sympathizing with random people on the news, the people with the most heart-wrenching stories. Once I realized what I was doing, my course correction was clear: stop watching the news, reach out to my friends more, and forgive myself for my limitations.

Now, I have no clue if any of my story resonates with you or not. But my point is this: Badgers are rooted in empathy, not sympathy. You don't need to try fitting everyone into your heart to be a healthy Badger primary. You don't have to bleed for everyone you meet. Being a healthy Badger doesn't have to be as dangerous or silly as you're thinking. It's not about sharing in everyone's pain; it's about seeing them as human and recognizing that gives them worth.

But maybe sympathy wasn't your struggle. Maybe what made you burn was not being able to help everyone you think you should. If that's the case, I ask that you turn your Badger instincts on yourself. You're human too, aren't you? That means you have limits, and that's okay. You forgive others for being only human, right? You deserve no different. Get rid of the notion that you could've done better. You did your best. And before you object to that, get rid of the idea that our best is a constant. Some days your best means you can do a lot, some days your best means you have nothing to give. That's okay. You have wisdom you lacked yesterday, but maybe you don't have the same energy you did then. That's okay. You did the best you were capable of in that moment.

The only thing that can keep us from our best, the only way you truly lose at this thing called life, is to stop moving forward. There is no going back in time; there is only getting stuck. Fear and guilt are common prisons of the past, and if you've fallen into one of them, well, that's about as human as you can get. Blame evolution. Back in the day, bad experiences meant life-or-death experiences, so our brains evolved to latch onto these memories in an attempt to keep us from repeating our mistakes. Unfortunately, that means it can be incredibly easy to fixate on the past and assume that the future will be just as disastrous. That means missing out on all the potential for change and good in the future. Fear and guilt are insidious. Even if you push it from your mind, they can grow until they consume you, driving your choices, deciding your life for you. That is what it is to be burned, and that will always be more dangerous than the alternative.

So, what can you do about it? I've given a few ways to re-frame your thinking, but I realize it's easy for me to write about how great being healthy is while it may feel like an elusive, impossible state of being to you. Know that you've already taken the first step by asking someone about it. Keep talking to people you trust. There is some really good advice scattered around the SHC community. If you think you're up for it, I recommend joining the SHC discord. It's full of incredibly supportive people, and if you don't feel ready to put yourself out there, you can just listen in on their conversations and see you're not alone in this struggle. You don't even need to search out other Burnt Badgers specifically either. It doesn't matter your sorting or whether it's your primary or your secondary, unburning is a process of learning to trust in yourself again. That may sound odd to Burnt Loyalist primaries if they've begun to think of other people as the problem, and yes, a majority of burnings are first triggered by other people. But unburning is all about you and learning to trust your instincts, your capability, your judgement, your decisions, yourself.

I'm not about to sit here and pretend I have the answers to such a personal process, but I'll give you two pieces of advice. First, set boundaries in your relationships. Right now, fear, guilt, or both are setting your boundaries for you. If you're not sure where to begin, I suggest self-reflection with the goal of determining your limits. Try keeping a journal or sitting with your thoughts, even for only a few minutes a day and ask yourself how much (time, physical effort, emotional energy, etc.) you are willing to give to others? How much, in reality, are you able to give? A Badger primary needs to know the difference and, ideally, how to balance the two. Once you have an idea of your limits, set your boundaries, and keep them. These can be emotional boundaries, like limiting your sympathy for a smaller group, or they can be boundaries on how much help you give to others, like setting a limit on how much time or money you'll give someone. The goal here is to learn to say no without guilt. You can readjust your boundaries as your situation changes, but what is important right now is that you feel safe in your relationships. You deserve that safety as much as anyone else, and setting boundaries is the best way to ensure that.

My second piece of advice: forgive yourself when you don't stick to those boundaries. Even though I didn't fully burn, I still find myself stumbling on the emotional boundaries I've set up for myself. I know in my head that it's a matter of trusting in my judgement, but reality isn't so simple. This is a long and arduous process, so when you mess up, do your best to not dwell. Treat yourself like a friend, and try to forgive. Keep moving forward. You've got this!