(🚬) My muse catches your muse doing late night smoking. // a boca de fumo do hai x ruy
nights were a particularly lonely time for ruy, he was almost thirty years old and he was still not used to sleeping through the whole night. in fact, he could count on one hand how many hours of sleep he had for a whole week sometimes. he was fully aware of his problem, which he didn't face as a problem at all, he was just not known for sleeping, and his body wasn't prepared to settle down on command at all. there was an unfailing method at that though — having sex. it was enough excitement to soothe him down to rest and if the pleasure proved to be sufficient to also have some pretty nice dreams. but right now he lacked the company to do so, his boyfriend being working ever since the day broke out the first flashes of light in the sky and he was... well, bored. he didn't have the energy to work out today nor the inspiration wanted to work, so he did some house cleaning to occupy his time and pretended he was a housewife for a day, something that he ended up not liking very much.
of course, he could solve the problem on his own, he enjoyed masturbating himself but he had already spent the whole day in his own presence and he was sick of it. it wasn't like that was all his boyfriend was necessary for, not really — he just missed being around him, he missed having him for a while and making him feel good too. they both were hard-working men, passionate about their careers and ambitious when it came to it so obviously they needed to pull off some steam and they gladly developed a system together to do so. ruy wasn't a very calculated person, in fact, he was the most spontaneous person you could ever meet but in matters of love though, he would make an effort. he was committed to hai's schedule and he was proud of him, supporting. but the whole feeling alone thing sucked and ruy knew very well why he was so clingy all the time now, another reason why he was so desperate for sex, for sleeping, for settling down.
that were the words he heard a few days ago from his very best friend "let's settle down", daehyun said cooly to finish an argument for which both ruy and costance knew they were never getting an end if they kept it up. but ruy took those words as something else, something he knew the meaning of. it wasn't ruy's fault if they just wanted to all of the sudden cutting meetings short, work fewer hours, and skip practices. "we went over this before, ruy, why do it again?" and "we can't stay too late" or "let's make this quick"... they weren't losing touch or losing interest, he knew that but why did he feel like they were? why did he have to be the only one to be serious all of sudden? him, ruy — the one who would show up late to practices, put on a diva show, mess up lyrics and pick up arguments for no reason, who would find them the best contacts, who would fill them in the weirdest place.... and they together that would make good music, write masterpieces, practice until they fingers bleed and their ears ringing, sold-out shows and have the time of their lives. he understood that even the extraordinary becomes ordinary if it's done too many times, but he still could not stop himself from wondering where that all went down. the hell with settling down and fuck it's meaning!
so perhaps it wasn't just because he needed sex, he was frustrated, incredibly annoyed and that's why he couldn't sleep too. that was the reason he was lighting up a cigarette at two forty-six in the morning, sadly he didn't have anything stronger — also getting drunk alone was just admitting being miserable and he was not at such stage yet. he was so pathetic that he was laughing now, completely out of breath laughing, holding his belly back because he could hear the tears coming off. fuck, fuck, fuck. self-centered asshole. why did he think the world would revolve around him? he couldn't even be happy with his friend's happiness so maybe yeah, maybe he deserved it.
ruy heard the footsteps approaching, the lights suddenly being light but he didn't look to see who it was because he didn't want to acknowledge his reality. he was even more pathetic for wanting to sink in his feelings of loneliness, his pettiness. but he knew hai was there, he knew his presence, he knew his scent and his body closing in on him. so against his worst judgment he waved the smoke off a little bit, feeling like a teenager caught by his parents doing something they shouldn't. "i'll take a shower, use my special soap and all of the oils. don't worry." and he proceeded to continue smoking, nicotine was soothing him down a little bit even if it didn't have the same desired effects as sex or something stronger might. now he knew his boyfriend probably wouldn't want to have sex with him if he smelled so much of smoking, so he might as well not waste what he had already lightened. he didn't look much at hai though because his eyes were still smudgy from all the laughing-crying and he didn't want to wipe them away because he would seem even more ridiculous than he already was.
he didn't need to spend as much time smoking because he was already in the middle when hai walked in on him, so he eventually put it out and took a few steps closer to look at his boyfriend now that he knew he was much rather cooler than a minute ago. "is everything okay? you're quieter than usual." he knew hai disapproved of his reckless smoking and drinking, but he would always manage a way around and promise it was always under control. ruy knew very well the dangers of addiction from his own absent father, but that still didn't mean it wasn't in his genes. his words though sounded more like questions to himself than to hai so he smiled like he did when he wanted to say he was still him. ruy took hai's hands to his lips and kissed both backs, letting his cold nose rub them for a good second. "i don't wanna listen to your day, because i don't wanna talk about mine." he started, with his voice rough but close because he was bringing hai's hands to his hips now and his face to his own. "i don't want to wait for you all night, because i don't want to admit that i'm fucking yours." ruy cupped his chin with his hand, kept a close eye on all of hai's details from the bottom of his lips to the stupid cut of his hair. "but i still want you, all the time and... i want- no. i need to know, if- do you? want me too?"