#butihavejoy

[weisbrot]

🎉HAPPY BIRTHDAY @butihavejoy !!! 🎉🍰 Wish you all the best things and a wonderful year full of joy😉

[adulthoodisokay]

Hi, I've followed you (and @buzzfeed) here on tumblr for...longer than I care to admit, tbh. I saw the news on twitter and just wanted to reach out and say thank you for all you've done on this site. I just want you know that you've had a greater impact than you probably could ever realize, and I hope buzzfeed realizes what a monumental mistake they've made as I know you will end up doing great things for a different company. I know it doesn't make it suck any less, but I hope it helps a little.

Thank you so, so much for reaching out to me. Messages like this (and the many more I’ve gotten both here and on twitter) absolutely do make it suck a little less. 

Thank you to everyone for the kindness y’all have shown me and my colleagues over the last 24 hours. 

[bootsselbst]

For the art/fic you won't draw/write meme: "I Want it That Way" by Backstreet Boys for Courfius :D

Am I your fire, your one desire?

[sweaterkittensahoy]

butihavejoy replied to your post: butihavejoy replied to your post: ...

I don’t mean to say that Liv carries blame for what Barba did in the most recent episode. She doesn’t, By any stretch, and anyone who argues otherwise is…well, frankly, not paying attention at this point. What she DOES carry blame for is, I guess, what Barba considers those ‘colors’ that she brought for him and what I would consider his uncharacteristic willingness to take actions against his moral code because of Liv’s interference.

This’ll be my last reply on this because my answer isn’t gonna change. 

Please note what I’ve bolded in your response. You say Liv carries no blame, but in the end, you still put blame on her because Barba was influended by her. 

And that’s really important here. Everything we see about Barba’s actions are from his POV. HE chose to cut life support. HE chose to say it was Liv’s influence. HE is the one claiming it was thanks to her he saw that it was right. 

Now, again, the bigger issue of these choices is that Barba is a fictional character and a group of writers shit the bed. Not questioning the bad writing done to him by the staff.

HOWEVER, taken in-universe, this decision was only Barba’s. And his excuses for it (Liv taught him things) is also ON HIM. In fact, his line to Liv that she taught him to do what he did should have gotten his ass bounced down the courthouse steps because he’s shifting blame from his chosen actions onto her influence. Which is manipulative bullshit pulled by a lot of people who don’t want to take the blame for things they’ve chosen to do.

And, again, all of this is ON THE WRITERS. This is not a screed for or against Liv. It is not a screed for or against Barba. This is about the writers fucking up and fandom showing its deeply rooted sexism once again because they need to have a scapegoat for their favorite male rather than either 1) calling out the writers and keeping the focus there (where it should be) or 2) accepting that they can ignore the completely uncharacteristic action or 3) accepting that it happened and finding other ways to discuss it that aren’t blaming the woman standing closest when the man’s bomb goes off.

[skysquid22]

EXCUSE ME ARE YOU SAYING A BODYGUARD AU yessss

Well…

I’m not saying I’ll writing it anytime soon, but I would love one. 

@butihavejoy has something along those lines with her Love Actually AU, but it’s made as a Love Actually AU, not a bodyguard AU. So it’s not exactly what I’m looking for. 

My point is I would love an in-depth one all the points on that post. 

[sofuckingchuffed]

Barisi, #15: "You either know or you don't".

Okayyy so a) sorry this took so long and b) sorry it’s really messy. I’m cringing at how much this would NEVER happen because they’d never question him without a lawyer… But like… I have no excuse sorry.

(also, we all know I can’t write short drabbles, so this is just over 1k - also unbeta’d and angsty because I can only write ancst apparently)

Sonny could feel everyone staring at him, even though it was just Liv and Rafael in the room at the time. He knew Amanda and Fin were on the other side of the glass, and he desperately hoped they’d at least stopped anyone else from watching. It was humiliating, being a cop on the wrong side of the law.

He twisted his hands under the table, unable to meet Liv’s questioning eyes. He stared at Rafael’s shoes where he stood in the corner of the room, instead.

“Carisi, we know you didn’t do this. Evidence will back that up. But you need to cooperate,” Liv was practically begging now, and Sonny hated the sound in her voice.

He could feel his tears threatening to overflow and his throat felt tight. He clenched and unclenched his fists, shifting as he twisted in his chair, eyes still stuck on Rafael’s shoes.

The cleanness of them stood out in stark contrast to the filthy looking interrogation room floor. The thought nearly made him laugh, but instead, a quiet, strangled noise escaped from the back of his throat.

“Sonny,” Liv said softly, reaching across the table to take his hands in hers. “Look, you were undercover for weeks. You were in a dangerous position, every day. You saw things…”

She stopped speaking when Sonny yanked his hands back. He couldn’t speak. He wouldn’t speak. Even if it meant he lost his badge. He couldn’t speak.

“Liv,” Rafael cut in, stepping forward until his hand rested on her shoulder. “Give me a moment with him?”

Liv stared at Sonny for a moment longer before pushing her chair back, giving Rafael a small nod of her head before leaving the interrogation room.

Instead of taking her place, Rafael came around to Sonny’s side of the table. He stood in silence for a moment before kneeling on the ground next to him, one hand resting on the table near Sonny’s, the other on the back of Sonny’s chair.

“Get up,” Sonny whispered, his voice scratchy from lack of use. “You’ll ruin your pants.”

Rafael considered him for a moment before saying, “I don’t care.” Sonny could hear the smile in his voice, and it was that that made him raise his eyes to Rafael’s own.

Rafael was smiling softly, albeit sadly at him, and it took every ounce of strength he had not to cry.

“Sonny, tell me what happened,” he said softly, thumb reaching out to gently touch the side of Sonny’s hand. At the contact, Sonny inched his hand closer to Rafael’s so the action could be repeated with more ease. Rafael indulged him, his thumb stroking the same spot over and over.

Sonny opened his mouth to speak, to come up with something to tell Rafael, but he couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t incriminating. He considered joking about pleading the fifth, but he didn’t think Rafael would appreciate it.

He could see impatience flicker over Rafael’s face and he felt himself flinch away just slightly, casting his eyes back downward.

Rafael sighed heavily, shifting his position on the floor a little, before asking in an even tone, “Who beat Jordan Moraz to within an inch of his life with a baseball bat? Because right now it looks like you’re covering something up.”

“You don’t understand,” he whispered, voice shaking.

“Sonny, you either know, or you don’t. Talk to me.”

The gentleness of Rafael’s voice, combined with his hand now rubbing gentle circles on his back where it met the chair, caused his breath to hitch.

“You’re not in trouble. Not with us. And this can all go away if you just talk to me.”

Sonny wanted to say Rafael should know better. He wanted to say that Rafael shouldn’t be questioning someone he’s close to, someone he works with, even if they’ve refused a lawyer. Sonny wanted to tell Rafael to leave it up to IAB.

Instead, Sonny just sniffed as tears tracked their way down his cheeks. He leant into Rafael’s touch, and when he felt Rafael move closer, he turned to face him. He followed each of Rafael’s movements with small ones of his own until he had his face pressed into Rafael’s neck and his arms wrapped tightly around Rafael’s body. He tried not to sob as Rafael ran his hands up and down his back and gently shushed him.

“You don’t understand,” Sonny repeated shakily, taking in a wet, ragged breath as he tried to compose himself.

“You can’t take the rap for this, Sonny. Who are you protecting? Is it a victim?”

Sonny flinched slightly, but gripped Rafael harder before forcing himself to nod.

“I’ll make sure she has a good defense,” Rafael whispered, pulling back so he could cup Sonny’s wet face in his hands. “Between us we’ll make sure this has the right outcome.”

Sonny stared at him, trying to stop the tremors in his breaths. He couldn’t see how this would ever work out. This girl had brutally beaten her rapist, and the man who had raped so many others, before they’d gathered any evidence that wasn’t circumstantial. They had no tangible proof to defend her with. And Sonny had swore to protect her.

“It’s not your fault, Sonny,” Rafael said softly, running his thumb along Sonny’s cheekbone to catch the fresh tears falling from his eyes. “It’s not your fault.”

“I should have done more. Done better.”

“You shouldn’t have been there at all.” The sharpness in Rafael’s tone caused Sonny to flinch again, and Rafael sighed. “What did they do to you, querido?”

And before Sonny could answer his rhetorical question with empty reassurances, Rafael’s lips were on his, gentle but firm. Rafael’s lips were on his, and it felt like coming home. Rafael’s lips felt like home, and Sonny didn’t know when that happened. All he knew was that it was a fact.

“Can we go home?” He whispered, resting their foreheads together as he brought his own hand up to cup Rafael’s cheek.

The intimacy of the action caused Rafael to smile. He felt it, more than saw it, considering their proximity.

“We can go home,” Rafael whispered back, pressing another quick kiss to his lips before moving to stand up. “I’ll talk to Liv, and then I’ll take you home.”

Sonny nodded, feeling hope blossom in his chest for the first time since this case started just under 2 months ago. He felt hope that he’d longed to find while he’d been undercover for weeks, befriending rapists and pretending he enjoyed their violent porn and predatory conversation. He felt a lightness fill him up, and that lightness was 100% Rafael.

[ahumanfemale]

The Community Garden Headcanon

Idea presented by the magnificent @me-ladie, filled out by myself and the remarkable and talented @butihavejoy.  AU where Sonny has a community garden.

The community garden is Rafael’s, thank you very much.  

The plants are all from his abuelita’s garden in the Bronx, transplanted here after she passed.  In two years no one has stepped foot beyond the chain-link gates and Rafael had taken advantage of that, growing up her tomatoes in peace and quiet until the vines were lush and the fruits themselves were fat and red.  Catalina would have been so proud and that made him proud.  There was a surprising sense of calm there.

At least until Dominick Carisi Jr. - everyone calls me Sonny - shows up.

The fact that Rafael even knows the man’s full given name is ridiculous, and that’s not even the most he knows about him.  He knows that he’s and Italian from Staten Island (delivered in a tone of voice that would suggest Rafael would have no idea otherwise), that his parents have been married for over forty years.  That he has a gaggle of sisters and a niece, all of whom he worships.  The only thing Rafael doesn’t know is why in the hell Dominick Carisi Jr. is doing there, particularly when he clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing.

It’s not like Rafael is anything approximating hospitable.  He’s rude, he glares daggers in Carisi’s direction the entire time.  He flatly refuses to help when it’s obvious that Carisi needs it and only barely avoids injuring the man when the puns start.

Oh, the puns.

Rafael was starting to think he’d bought a book to memorize, just to torment him.  When the first of Carisi’s zucchini’s grow in, the first thing he does is face Rafael with an ecstatic grin that’s almost attractive and then ruin it with, “Thanks for not squashing my dreams.”

One day Rafael is waiting to see the man lumber into the garden around nine, his usual, but it doesn’t happen.  Sonny doesn’t come in until closer to eleven, getting to work without so much as a syllable in Rafael’s direction.  He has dark circles under his eyes and he moves like he’s exhausted and it goes against everything in his nature to ask if Carisi is okay.  Which is met with a tired smile and a soft, “I’m alright, Raf.  Thanks.”

Oh, yeah. 

Carisi calls him “Raf”.

Rafael does his best to take that answer at face value but still can’t help the worry niggling when Carisi leaves an hour later.  He packs up soon after, belatedly realizing that something shiny had fallen where Carisi keeps his tools.

A shield.  Badge number 0188.

Dominick Carisi Jr. is a cop?

He knows it’s important that this gets back to its owner but he doesn’t know a thing about Carisi that would help him get it there - not his address, not his phone number.  The best he can do is call the precincts in the area until one agrees to employing a Detective Dominick Carisi Jr.  The knowledge that Carisi is not only a cop but also a detective is shocking to him but he hides it the best he can while he Ubers to the 16th, badge in hand.  When he gets to Carisi’s office - the Special Victims Unit, it turns out - he’s met with the warm gaze of a woman a few years older than him, with big brown eyes and a kind smile.  

“Mr. Barba,” she starts.  “They told me you were coming.  Do you have a minute?”

She gestures toward her office and Rafael follows because he really didn’t have anything else to do.

“Detective…” he starts and the woman smiles.

“Lieutenant, actually.  Lieutenant Olivia Benson,” she corrects.  “I hope this isn’t too intrusive of me, but I just wanted to thank you.”

“It’s no problem,” he replies, thinking of the badge.  “I just didn’t want Mr. Carisi to get in any trouble.”

“No, not about his shield.  I mean for helping him so much.”

Rafael balks.

“What?”

“He talks about you a lot.  How helpful you are, how much he’s been enjoying your company,” Olivia says with a smile.  “He’s always been overeager but after a few months ago, after he came so close to dying, he hasn’t quite been the same.  His therapist recommended gardening as a way of relieving the stress.”

The floor drops out from under him.  

Not just at the realization that Carisi talks about him.  More at the knowledge that he’d been in danger.  Real danger.  There was a good chance that Dominick Carisi Jr. - everyone calls me Sonny - might never have wandered into their garden and he would never have known.  Might have seen it on the news but would never have realized just what the world was missing out on.  Someone kind, someone warm.  Someone energetic and helpful.  He’s surprised to find his breath grown short while Olivia finishes thanking him for his kindness toward Sonny, with a promise to return his shield the next time he’s in.

Rafael leaves in a daze.

Rafael has a plan.

The next time Dominick Carisi Jr. - Sonny - comes into the community garden he’s met with two extra plots, clean and ready for use.  His own miserable scrap of land in the corner has been cleared and fertilized, labeled in neat handwriting that clearly isn’t his own.  

“Raf!” he cries, thrilled.  “Did you do this?”

He shrugs but still can’t stop imagining that newscast he never had to hear.

“You’re doing well.  You deserve more space.  And I’m - I’m sorry for being an asshole about it.”

Sonny beams.

“You’re not an asshole, Raf.  Besides, I like grumpy men.”

Rafael scoffs and rolls his eyes to high heaven but it’s only so he can hide the fact that that warm feeling in his chest wants him to smile instead.

They spend another month or two, side by side.  Planting flowers and herbs and vegetables alike, debating where or not they could manage an apple tree.  Rafael is not always kind, not always patient, but Sonny always looks at him like he is.  And maybe it’s less about the company than it is about Sonny himself when, at the end of their harvest, Rafael suggests Sonny come over and help him cook their bounty.  The suggestion was a risk but it was one he would take a dozen times if it made Sonny smile like he did then, like there was nothing he’d rather do than wash produce and argue about sauces with a man ten years older than him.

There’s nothing Rafael would rather do, either.  

[barbaesparza]

24, "Without really meaning it" ;)

Barba x Lasagna

The squad ischattering happily around Sonny’s dinner table on a Friday night. Sonny hasmade lasagna, and everyone starts to dig in.

Barba’s eyes go wide,fork in mouth. He pulls it out in slow motion (which, distracting as hell)and chews before swallowing, his eyes unblinking.

“Oh my God. I think Ilove you.”

Sonny narrows hiseyes at Barba, who has made this declaration to the empty air in front of him.Is Barba experiencing a psychotic break?

The table has gonesuspiciously quiet. Barba turns towards Sonny, looking slightly sheepish.

“I bet you get that alot, huh.”

“No… no I don’t.”

Barba raises aneyebrow slightly.

“If I were a selfishman, I could have proposed to you on the spot.”

Sonny hears Amandasplutter faintly, but ignores it.

“Why…?”

“Well, I would haveproposed to this lasagna, but apparently that wouldn’t be legal.”

Sonny blinks, andBarba only continues to smirk at him. There’s so much he wants to say to that, somethingstupid, something defensive, something inflammatory.

Beselfish.

or

I’dcook for you anytime.

or

Whatmakes you think the lasagna would have said yes, anyway?

But the silencestretches on.

Liv clears her throatloudly.

“Told ya you weremissing out,” she says under her breath, which is somehow still loud enough forthe whole table to hear.

Read Stay, an unofficial continuation