Rants of a Sleepless Caffeineaholic #4
Now what?
Currently jobless and rejection piling on my inbox.
Remember when I kept on saying that all I wanted was to rest and to have time for writing but I couldn’t because I had a job that consumed my waking hours? Okay, well, now I don’t have a job to consume my time but here I am still ranting because I have all this time...but no income.
It would take a whole podcast for me to tell the tale of how I lost two jobs, both that I enjoyed doing but for semi-valid reasons, I lost them both. One lasted for five or six months, the other for two.
I know that sounds like I am simply defending myself and I must have done something entirely stupid or wrong for me to lose those jobs. I’ll make it quick. I’ll try.
The first one was a ghostwriting job. It took a while to get used to it since I had to compromise my personal writing style to fit what was needed for the projects. Later on, my editors and I were having a good time and we were able to finish a couple of books. But then this new editor arrives and for some reason, work didn’t seem fun at all. She had all these instructions but considering that she had a more strict outline than my other editors, it seemed easier since I just had to follow everything to a T (unlike my other editors who were more loose and so I had to improvise most of the time). Our project was a paranormal romance book and with that being my main genre, I thought it would be easier. I did my best to build the mood and the atmosphere only for my editor to tell me that it wasn’t doing good. I changed it again to fit her tone more but she was still unsatisfied. It was always a push-and-pull. I would make it sound paranormal, she wanted to make it more Disney. I would make it Disney, she would tell me it didn’t sound eerie. By that time, I was still working on a second book with a different editor and we were doing well so she was like my breath of fresh air. So I was surprised when the project head messaged me one day that they were already terminating my contract and that I no longer have a job the next day. Yep. THE NEXT DAY. Imagine my frustration. I asked if I could be transferred to a different project instead but they had decided.
What next?
I fell on a slump for months! I got rejections, one after the other. I was losing hope and for someone who has been overworked for the past years, I wasn’t used to not being overworked. The free time was not helping my mental state at the time because I felt useless. I only felt useful when I had a job. So I spiraled for the most parts of 2021.
Towards the end, around October...I was hired.
This time as a Proofreader for an online novel app, that I shall not name. But if you’re a friend of mine, you probably know what I’m talking about. Anyway, things were good until January 2022 kicked in. During the first or second week, my mom and my aunt (who was living with us at the time) got sick. What we didn’t know was they were most likely positive with the virus. But the test kits haven’t arrived and so we just tended to them as positive patients, and that meant having to step up and do some chores. So I did ask for a leave because I couldn’t work while trying to be more present in the house. The next week, when the kits have arrived, my mom and my aunt tested negative while I tested positive. I only had mild symptoms, mainly just cough. I was willing to work despite the virus but my boss didn’t allow me to...which made this all the more surprising. She messaged me one day that when I return, I will be demoted to a part-time position until I prove myself worthy to go back as a full-time Proofreader.
Once again, I had no job.
It had been a few months and honestly, it had been tiring. Sending in applications. Getting interviews. Getting rejected. Losing spirit. Breathing. Repeat.
I have a lot of projects that deserve my time right now but let’s be practical, I still need a job that has a stable income. It’s not like I’ll just be okay being unemployed. That’s not me.
I’m not stopping. I’m still sending in applications while I finish my projects.
But tonight, I am ranting because I’m in a bad depressive episode and I just want to let it all out before I actually sleep.
Yes, I sleep now...
Because it’s a temporary escape from all the frustrations and disappointments.
It’s a healthier escape rather than going back to bad habits.
For now, breathe.
