#captain capslock

[wotrot]

Audiobook listeners won’t have seen this, but if you read the prologue to Lord of Chaos and skim so you only really notice the Dark One’s speech, he comes off like a clingy ex harassing Demandred via text message. These are quotes from pages 4 – 5 in my copy of the book, caps and all (just gonna go ahead and add Captain Capslock to the many names Shai’tan is known by).

DEMANDRED.

DEMANDRED, HOW FARES THIS WORLD?

THE CHOSEN DWINDLE, DEMANDRED.

WOULD YOU UNLEASH THE BALEFIRE IN MY SERVICE, DEMANDRED?

DEMANDRED, STOP LEAVING ME ON READ*

*ok that one’s not actually a book quote, but you know if TDO had messenger he’d be sending that

[sighinastorm]

WHOEVER DID THIS, I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED.

GOD HAS WITHDRAWN HIS PROTECTION FROM US.

I HOPE THAT YOU ARE SATISFIED.

[lynndeed]

I FEEL SO OUTDOORSY I JUST DUG A BUNCH OF HOLES AND PLANTED JUNK AND I HAVE A BLISTER ON MY HAND

i’m ready to grow a beard and build a tent or whatever outdoorsy people do

[magnetklaue]

WAS I ALWAYS ABLE TO COLOUR MY ARMOR?! IF YES....WHY DIDN'T I NOTICED IT BEFORE? IF NOT...HOLYSHITTHAT'SGREAT!!!!

[rainbow-dash-reads-homestuck]

ATTENTION WORTHLESS HOOFBEAST. THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING. IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR. I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD. I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME. WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.

PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK. BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET. BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED. THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HOOFBEAST. ONLY MY HATE. IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HOOFBEAST THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.

IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG. SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER. IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU. MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE. IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT.

'kay.

Weirdo.

[upshore]

OH HOLY BATMAN. MY IMAGINARY BABY KICKS ME.

STEVE.