#captain firespit

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Alright, you call the djinn Hammelat out of their bottle.

Tati (playing Seraph): I take a deep breath and say, "We wish for you to bring us the true phylactery of Larissa Firespit containing her immortal soul."

DM: Hammelat nods and says, "Very well." A few hours later-

Adam (playing Billie): Hours?? What a rubbish djinn.

Tati: He has to go dig for it, it could be anywhere in her tomb. Or not even in her tomb at all!

Adam: Still.

DM: A few hours later Hammelat returns with a very intricate ceramic box.

Adam: "Is this the real phylactery? No more decoys?"

DM: They say, "That is what you wished for, so that is what I had to do. I could not have returned until I had succeeded."

Tati: I'd like to make a Religion check on the box. Thaddeus too.

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): Okay.

Marijn (playing Godric): And an Arcana check.

DM: This box is boiling with dark magic. There's nothing else it could be.

Adam: I say to Hammelat, "Thanks. We'll call again if we need you."

DM: They disappear back inside the bottle. You have one wish left.

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: As you shatter the phylactery of Captain Larissa Firespit, a cloud of dark energy hisses out of it. It roils for a moment, then seems to melt into the ground.

Adam (playing Billie): Bye, bitch.

Tati (playing Seraph): Er, can I make an Arcana check to see what that cloud was?

DM: It seemed to be the dissipation of a soul no longer tethered to this world.

Tati: Okay, thank Pelor. Even so, I don’t like the way it went into our floor. Even if she’s gone she could have left some kind of negative energy to linger. I ask, "Thaddeus, can we do a cleansing ritual to make sure our house isn’t haunted?"

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): "Yeah, sure."

Marijn (playing Godric): "Is this really necessary?"

Tati: "It’ll make me feel more at ease. You can go do something else."

Marijn: I do.

Tati: "Una, do you want to help since you’ve just converted to Ioun?"

Andy (playing Una): "Yeah!"

DM: Okay, the three of you burn some ritual candles and say some prayers. You feel that the house is safe.

Marijn: Satisfied?

Tati: Very.

[we-are-a-dragon]

Seraph (siren sorcerer): We should destroy the phylactery right now.

Godric (fairy warlock): We could just keep it in a Bag of Holding.

Seraph: Look, we’ve already screwed this up once.

Godric: Pffft. What can she do from inside the Bag?

Seraph: We don’t know whether she’d reincarnate inside the Bag, or just next to it.

Godric: We can take her.

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): No, she’s right. It's time to destroy it.

Seraph: Can I do it? I feel responsible for having to go back.

Billie (gnome ardent): I’m also keen to do it. I thought I destroyed it last time, and it was super disappointing to find out I didn’t.

Seraph: Together?

Billie: Yeah.

Seraph: Do you want to use your sword?

Billie: Which one?

Seraph: *meaningful look* You know which one.

Billie: For real??

Seraph: Hell yeah.

Billie: *pulls out Herald of Mercy* Okay, stab down on 3, 2, 1-

Seraph: Smash!

DM: The phylactery shatters.

[we-are-a-dragon]

M (playing Kjell): Maybe Larrik knows where her sister's real phylactery is. I call her out of the ghost jar.

DM: She appears in the usual puff of blue mist and takes in the pile of dust on the floor and the icicles hanging from your furniture. She sounds just a little smug when she says, "Did my sister show up?"

Adam (playing Billie): "Yeah."

Tati (playing Seraph): I ask, "Do you know where her real phylactery is?"

DM: She scowls. "Why would I tell you that? You'll destroy it!"

M: "Obviously."

Rach (playing Ashiok): I have no idea what's going on. I ask if Larrik can explain the situation in her own words.

DM: Not exactly, because Seraph has to translate from Olde Common. "They came into our dungeon and killed my sister and took all our stuff!"

Tati: I add my own commentary. "After they lured us in so they could kill us and take our stuff like they've been doing for centuries..."

DM: She snaps, "Yes, but you were supposed to die."

Tati: She doesn't understand that, it was in standard Common.

Rach: I ask, "What was your goal in collecting all this treasure?"

DM: She just kind of squints at you like you're speaking nonsense.

Rach: Can I make a History check? Have I heard of them? Oh, that's a natural 1 so I guess I haven't.

DM: Seraph, do you translate that?

Tati: *reluctant* Yeah.

DM: She says, "We were feared in our time!"

Marijn (playing Godric): I interject, "We're celebrated in ours."

Rach: I persist. "What did they do? What did they steal?"

DM: She mutters sulkily, "Who's the know-nothing newbie?"

Tati: I apologetically remind her that we hadn't heard of them either.

DM: She's so grumpy and offended with this conversation by now that she goes back into the jar and refuses to come out.

Rach: Oops. I was hoping to draw out tales of their greatest heists and maybe guess the phylactery from that.

Tati: Don't feel bad. Our conversations usually end like this.

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: There's a knock on the front door and 15-C goes to answer it. Usually he'd politely announce any guests, but this time you hear a voice shriek, "Travelling Trauma Centre! You killed me and I've come for my revenge!"

Andy (playing Una): Who the hell?

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): Is this Fee?

Tati (playing Seraph): Aw, did he turn bad again?

DM: A dragonborn lich bursts into the room.

Andy: Ohhh! This bitch!

Marijn (playing Godric): I ask, "Who are you again?"

DM: She pauses mid-charge. "Larissa Firespit? You came to my dungeon?"

Andy: *grins* I say, "Not ringing a bell."

DM: *pouts* You always mock my villains.

Tati: I ask, "Can we take this outside?"

DM: She yells, "I don't need to go outside!" and blasts the room with cold. Roll initiative.

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Lol, Maria didn't even get to attack Larissa. The lich crumbles to dust under your combined onslaught.

Ashiok (drow psion): ...Does this happen a lot?

Seraph (siren sorcerer): People trying to kill us, or her specifically?

Ashiok: People bursting into your house.

Kjell (half-elf barbarian): No, that was really rude actually.

Seraph: *serious* We've talked about getting guards for the house, maybe we should revisit that.

Godric (fairy warlock): *shrugs* We handled it fine.

Seraph: But what if we hadn't been home?

Kjell: True. Suck for the staff to have to deal with that.

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Larissa blasts your living room with ice and you each take 20 cold damage from the attack. Maria looks at you and says, "Do you want me to get involved, or is this your fight?"

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): "Might as well."

DM: She murmurs to herself, "What should I use today?"

Tati (playing Seraph): *wide eyes*

DM: She considers for a moment, then pulls a warhammer out of her Bag of Holding. Alright, it's one weedy lich vs the ten of you, including the ancient sorcerer queen of Gandarall. This won't take long.

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: So a week later you're having brunch.

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): Oh yes. You have my attention.

DM: Your footman 15-C announces a Mr Ostorin to see you.

Marijn (playing Godric): Who?

DM: He's a servant of another noble house. He-

Tati (playing Seraph): Wait, we're not done with the intervening week. We need to resolve Larissa's phylactery before we go any further.

Hamish: Oh yeah! Agreed.