Being In Care
Not a lot of people understand what it's like to live in such a dysfunctional family that you never know where you're going to sleep, or eat, or be able to sit down next; but that was my reality all of last year. The constant fear of being thrown out is still something that haunts me. I used to think that if I lost my family it would destroy me because my Dad died and I just didn't want to be abandoned again. BUT. I went into care early January this year after a "relationship breakdown" with my other primary carer, and I just want to say... I would rather be in care than at home any day of the week, and I genuinely wish that I'd been put into care sooner. Recently I've done stupid things and EVERY single time the staff let me know just how much they care about me, and how much they want the best for me. Had I done any of these things at home I would of been screamed at, I would possibly been thrown out, and I wouldn't of gotten support at all which is why I used to lie a lot, because I literally couldn't be honest. Now I'm realising what family is, it's not what's biological at all, it's who you want to go home to and be able to tell about your day and staff at home to me have become my family. My two biological sisters and the staff at home are my family and that's it. I've never been more grateful to have people around who can support and help me, or even just chat to without being scared that I'll cause an argument. I love living here, I know that I'm cared and loved and that if I have no money I'll still get fed, I know that if I'm hurt they'll bandage me up, I know that if I am in a tough situation they'll talk to me; which is more than I ever got at home. This isn't to say that I hate the people who raised me because I'm grateful for them, but I'm even more grateful that they got rid of me because now I know who my family is and it's defintely the people I'm around now. It's made me realise who I want in my future, and if I actually want to make better relationships with those who have walked out of my life, and... No. I don't want to make it better. I shouldn't have to bargain love and acceptance off people, especially the ones who should give it to me regardless of who I am or what I do. I once got told I don't value family, but I can tell you... I do. You're just not part of MY family.
