reminder
there's a fox in my head. it's a vicious predator that eats all the happiness sheep, bites my leg and fills my mind with venom like a vicious snake. it softly whispers messages of doom and suffering, messages of loneliness and self hate and corrupts the entire forest's ecosystem with self hate.
sometimes he is quick and disorganized in telling his depressive tales of pain, others he is elegant, poetic, romantic even in the ways he explains why i'm horrid, unlovable and deserve nothing but to rot alone in an alleyway. sometimes he doesnt bother a lot. other times he is unbearable. he howls like a hound and is the great predator of my mental health.
i asked for help in every single way, help to tame, kill or thwart the parasitical beast. i went to a skilled person, a therapist, who told me to challenge his vicious claims. i did, and it worked, for a while. but sometimes it didn't work and it wasn't enough to beat the fox
i went to a shop seller, a seller of traps. he told me "use these traps and he'll surely not harm you anymore. at the very least he'll be settled." i took every trap he recommended to me. fluoxetine, pregabalin, Rexulti. i took them religiously and carefully laid them down through my farm. i took the drugs, and it worked, for a while. but the fox was tricky and devious, and therefore learned to avoid the traps. it wasn't enough to beat the fox.
i went to my dad for help. he told me to observe the fox and not react, keep using the traps and challenging him, and I'd certainly beat the fox. i did, and it worked, for a while. but the fox used harsher and more cunning words to cause me pain and get me off guard. it wasn't enough to beat the fox.
i had no clue over what to do, how i could thwart or tame or kill the darn beast. it was way too wild for me to control. way too resistant for me to kill. way to smart to fall into my traps.
finally, i put my name and the problem i had on the paper, asking anyone to help me kill him and save me, giving out a big reward. i was out of good options, what else should i do. a kindhearted man knocked on my door and offered to help me. His name? Jesus.
He tamed the beast rather easily and soothed my heart. finally i was free. I went out to give Him the money, but he refused.
— I don't want money, for I'd do it for you no matter what. Be free.
He saved me from the pain of my thoughts through a chaplet, prayer that calmed and eased me, prayer that reminded me of His eternal mercy.
in the past, whenever my suicidal thoughts got intense, it was a reminder to take my medicine. now i take it as a reminder to talk to the one who healed me today.
<3
