#cdd struggles

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

I hate CDD triggers, what you mean I haven't been here all day because I read one social media post while I was hakf awake that triggered another part out all day. What do you mean a self destructive part came out because one person said one completely random word in a regular conversation. What do you mean a song is playing on the radio and it's making me fade out of existence? What do you mean I'm balling my eyes out and I don't even know why?

It's so frustrating to deal with because many of them are just completely normal everyday things that are unavoidable.

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

We're currently at a place where we're experiencing denial all the time and have kind of just shut off any system communication, symptom tracking and talking about It at all to anyone. We hate talking about DID it makes us feel ashamed or like we're lying. But at the same time ignoring eachover and our symptoms and trying to hide that something is wrong all the time is probably not very healthy.

But it's so hard to go back without spiralling into self doubt and self loathing all over again. We thought we'd try and start becoming more comfortable accepting (is that the word?) Alters. But in ways that aren't as heavy or disturbing to us? (Triggering?) Like making moodboards or drawings for Alters or posting about what animals, plants, crystals etc. We associate with eachover, light hearted stuff like that seems easier to accept.

But then we worry that it'll be seen as glamorising or romanticising DID, that we're only focusing on Alters and silly stuff and we'll be fakeclaimed..we don't even have that many people who follow us anywhere but that doesn't change the way our brain thinks.

I'm not sure what to do or what will help I think we're tired of hiding but terrified of how others will see us. I kind of wish we had at least one system friend who could maybe understand.

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

Masking as the host so much you even do it when you're alone. Trapped in a body that's not yours pretending to be somebody you're not and slowly losing what little sense of self you have left.

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

Why is the only time alters leave notes for me is when they want hurl insults and just say super cruel things to me?

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

I wish the other alters could fully express themselves while fronting. I want them to dress how they want, do what they want, speak how they want, not have to mask and pretend to be someone else. I want everyone to make themselves as comfortable as they possibly can be in this body.

But every time I switch back out after someone else has fronted I worry, what did they do? What did they say? What will people think of me now?

Juniper went to a party and enjoyed herself. Good for them. I fucking hate parties, they're too loud, too crowded and I hate the flashing lights I usually have to leave early and everyone can see I'm not having a good time. But now they saw "me" actually enjoying a party, smiling and dancing and stayed from start to finish. Will they think I'm fake that all that anxiety from before was just an act?

They'll probably think "oh good for them, they finally got past all that anxiety and can now cope just fine at parties" but I'm not and I don't. There's gonna be new expectations on me that I just can't meet and part of me wishes Juniper never went to that party and had so much fun. And I feel horrible for thinking that.

I'm might just be overthinking but oh well.

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

Coming out for the first time in forever looking to my right and seeing a Christmas tree. It's December already? It was January last time I was out. It's nearly been a year...welp -Pixel