#moonjay lore

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

An experience I have that I haven't seen talked about in system spaces is being incredibly uncomfortable looking at photos of yourself when another alter was fronting.

Like I can't even bring myself to look at them, I just can't. If I notice a new video or photo of me or even a voice message that I sent to someone that I don't remember taking I get a sick feeling and really want to delete it without even taking a proper look. And when I do look/watch/listen? I just freak out. That's not me. But it's my face. My voice. Anyone else looks at it and they'll see me but it's not and that drives me mad.

It's the same with old photos and videos as well especially from childhood I get so freaked out when our mom tries to show us or other people old pictures of when we were little. I even lash out sometimes and I can never explain why just "don't show me that. I don't want to see it" maybe other people just take it for embarrassment? That's normal to be embarrassed of yout old baby pictures. But it's not embarrassment idk what it is but it's a truly awful feeling. I never want to see an old picture of me again.

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

How are people so open about having DID? Especially in real life how do people actually tell people and talk about it and actually go and get a diagnosis, how are they not absolutely terrified and deeply ashamed? I'm not saying they should be but for us any time someone brings up DID in conversation we panic even when it's nothing to do with us. We deeply regret telling the people who do know even though nobody ever brings it up to us anymore.

We go to a sewing club once a week it's mostly older women we're the youngest who goes but there's a new person who's not much older than us who started coming. Last week she just ever so casually mentioned how she thinks she might have DID and nobody said anything. Nobody told her she was faking, no "oh but that's too rare there's no chance you could have it", no treating people with DID like they were dangerous monsters they just believed her and went on as normal.

And for some reason that broke us, well the host, we live in fear that people will find out we suspect we might have DID or OSDD that they'll judge us or not believe us especially people we know and are close to. But maybe it didn't have to be that way and maybe people would be normal, and believe us and still care about us. But I feel like we've been ashamed for so long we can never come back from it.

Even just talking about it to our mother who actually came to us saying she thinks we might have DID a year or two?? (Time is hard) ago makes us want to curl up and die we've just shut down at every mention of it. But I don't think we can keep going on like this, we need help and we're not going to get it suffering in silence.

Does anyone have tips on how to tell people? Maybe in ways that less involve speaking since we have selective mutism and It seems this sort of thing triggers it. -Rey

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

Haven't been using simplyplural to log switches for the past few days, if it's going I want to be ready emotionally for it. I downloaded ampersand but haven't really used it I sorta took one look and went "oh no it looks too different and doesn't have all the features I want me no likey" and have avoided it ever since.

If I'm being 100% honest I'm not fully sure if we've switched or how many switches have happened since I stopped tracking. It's all a blurry mess and idk where I end and another part begins. I hate it, but I think I'm going to keep not tracking for a little while. We've been devotingly system tracking since simplyplural came out and I suppose I forgot how different things were before then. It may help with my doubt to notice how things do or don't change when I'm not constantly looking out for the slightest shifts. So far symptoms are still there it's just harder to notice because I'm not going out of my way to notice everything.

Switches befire were more like the left but now they feel more like the right if you get what I was trying to represent? Kinda just smudged a bunch of colours lol

Hopefully we'll find an app we like and can get used to

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

Grappling with the fact that I will likely never be truely seen by others, they will look at me but never see me, the real me. I wish I could say I didn't care, why should other people's especially strangers inner depictions of me bother me? For the most part I won't even know how someone really thinks of me anyway. But it hurts, there is an entire world inside of me that nobody will ever know of. And the creature they see before them is only the vessel of something so much more..

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

I haaaate headaches so much and I hate that the painkillers aren't doing anything. I just want to draw! Why must my body betray me like this

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

I imagine this is or should be common sense but "alternative" people who laugh at, mock or bully other alternative people for the way they dress are posers.

Why the hell was some "alt" girl laughing and fake complimenting my younger sister who was dressed in kawaii fashion? And whom was being genuinely nice to her. Buddy we're all seen as freaks and weirdos in this world whether your dressed in black and crosses or pastels and bows we're all in the same boat.

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

I've been incredibly down lately so my mom took me for a walk around the cemetery I like to cheer me up. (how goth of us lol) it hasn't been used in a very long time despite having a lot of space for new burials, the one used now in our town is super packed and I definitely wouldn't want to be buried there, I'm a loner!

And apart from the soldiers from World War two whos grass has been mown and have had some flowers or other offerings, the cemetery we walked in clearly wasn't being taken care of. My mom was really sad about this, and I felt guilty that I wasn't. I thought that it seemed like a lovely place to spend my eternal sleep, the grass was overgrown, Ivy had grown onto the headstones, and hardly anyone would come there. There were big massive trees who have probably been there to see the very first burials and despite being a place of death it was so full of life, so many birds singing and a squiral running up and down the trees. It was perfect.

I don't think I need to be remembered when I die, especially when those who knew me have passed on as well. I just want to return to somewhere beautiful and full of life. I want to go back into the earth and be part of it.

[moonjay-the-forest-spirit]

Um face reveal ig? Felt good about these photos so wanted to share