#celestial mates

[irregularcircle]

Muffled sounds of the city-wide celebration some four stories below were vaguely audible in the otherwise silence of Anjali's room. Every now and then, the brazier of coals popped or hissed as it kept the teapot warm, casting its orangey glow on the bed and its occupants. Cuddled together in the rumpled sheets, tanned hides gleaming like burnished copper in the dying firelight, a bonded pair of Celestial mates quietly shared tea and each other's company. Head nestled against his shoulder, idly enjoying his scent, Anjali sipped at her tea, then licked her mate's neck. He really was her mate now-- she could say that and know it and mean it. He seemed aware of the same thing, or perhaps more openly willing to demonstrate it. Even the way he held her was equal parts cherishing and jealous possessiveness.  "...whatcha thinking?" she asked quietly.

 "At the moment, equal parts 'I love you' and 'boy I'm lucky that Adorjan is barking mad.'" Rachna shivered lightly and held her a fraction tighter for a moment. "Malfeas would have us bleeding out our eyes right now. She's probably laughing."

 "I still can't believe that worked...” Anjali replied. “I don't think I'll ever believe that worked. You realize you'll never be able to show your face in Yozi again..." She nuzzled his neck as reassuringly as she could. "Fortunately, there are nicer places for you to spend your time... Right here comes to mind."

 "I certainly have no objections vixen."

"I should hope not... I may be a bit rusty, but I don't think I'm THAT bad in bed..." She pecked his cheek and refilled her tea before snuggling down next to him again. "In all seriousness though. Now that I've found you, and my soul has had a chance to remind me of what I had once... I'm afraid I can't bear the thought of being without you."

 "In that case, no reason not to stay closer.... and practice."

 She snuggled a little closer, and for a moment entertained the thought of initiating the whole sheet-destroying experience all over again. Settling instead for nipping his bottom lip, she flirtatiously dodged a whole lip lock with her tea. Sip.

 "So, since you want to stay with me, and I want to stay with you... it only leaves one question, doesn't it?"

 He raised an eyebrow. "Only one?"

 She shrugged. "Well, maybe more than that, but at least one. I mean, if it's obvious we intend to stay together... where should we stay? I suppose we could stay in Mahalanka, but..."

 "Good question. I don't know if I can stay in one place too permanently. I get... restless eventually." He shrugged. "We could stay here, and wander a bit at times..."

 Somehow, without any immediately perceptible changes in expression, Anjali quietly sobered. For a long moment, she simply stayed cuddled against him, sipping her tea, staring into the middle distance.  "...things have changed so much here... I think I'm ready to wander. It will be hard though... I have a lot of history here..."

 "The history will still be here when you return. So will the people..." Rachna gave her a wink and a wry chuckle. "With any luck Reinhardt will have learned enough restraint that the tower will still be here as well."

 Glowering faintly for a moment, Anjali muttered, "He'd BETTER not destroy anything important while I'm gone..."  Another sip of tea (finishing off her cup) mellowed her a moment later. "So... where do you want to go? There's a big world outside our door..."

*

This scene is immediately after the end of the campaign Anjali is from. The whole circle had just escaped from Yozi after slaying Lillun, the Phylactery Womb, thereby freeing all of the unclaimed Infernal shards, and robbing the Yozi of the ability to make more Infernals. And given that the assault on Yozi was Rachna’s suggestion, and he helped get our circle in and out of Yozi, he is... probably not welcome back there ever again. Not that he minds. 

[bookswithkatz]

Ribbed For Her Pleasure by Miranda Martin

Link to book here.

Link to full plot summary here.

Genre: Poor Life Choices

Serious Score: 43/100 - This is a book, there are words in this book that when read in order are understandable as a story. It is not a good one, but if you laugh at bad fanfic, then you can have a giggle with this hot mess; as long as you don't have to pay for it. 

Story - The story is like watching an episode of Teletubies while high as fuck, stuff's happening and you're pretty sure it doesn't make sense, but you're too busy trying to find your left pinky-toe to figure it out.

"Plot" - Alright, I'm about 94% sure that the author will never read this, but Miranda, let me level with you here. RAZOR SHARP CLAWS HAVE NO PLACE INSIDE OF A VAGUBER. STOP. PUTTING. THEM. THERE. PLEASE.

Characters - The leading woman is a professional gaming youtuber and the leading man is a two-dicked dragon man from magic Tatooine- you do the math.

Consistency - This whole book is consistently absurd. It's so separate from the other Celestial Mates book I've read (Not So Little Green Man) that I just don't know if anything else can be called consistent.

Personal Enjoyment (Trash) Score: You may have guessed it by this point, but this book is grade A, free range, all natural, organic trash. This book is a testament to how much you can get away with on the Kindle store, and I loved every minute of reading it. It's stupid as hell and the main character is super cringy for me, but it's short and I didn't have to pay for it. 60 Irresponsible Timetraveling cherubs /100.

Teaser Summary:

*Note: I don't care enough to check there characters's names, so I chose names that are desciptive enough to work. Female Stereotype has a very successful gaming channel on the youtube, and she just got home with her cat from Gamecon (because choosing a normal sounding convention name is for hacks) when she gets tweeted to try the "Celestial Mates Challenge" over twitter. "This should do for a good gag" Ms. Stereotype thinks, and downloads the app. Turns out that the app was real and she just gave her consent to be kidnapped and tossed onto another planet with only a very attractive man-dragon for company. Ribbed Dick is a lonely dragon from the planet of Magic Tatooine, he sees all the other dragon men with their dragon wives and he muses to himself "hey, I should find a lady." And wouldn't you know it, he gets whisked off to who the fuck knows where to spend time with a very available (desperate) woman. Whatever is he to do?

My thoughts:

I honestly don't think you need me to go over my opinions on this again. It's trash, but if you like trash, give it a go.

[booksummarieswithkatz]

Ribbed For Her Pleasure by Miranda Martin

Okay, terms to know can be found here. 

Now that that’s out of the way let’s get on with the story. Also I did not look up any of the characters’ names. So whatever. Also, so little happens of importance that this summary is hella short.

This book takes place in the present day, and begins with our leading lady, Female Stereotype, returning from generic Gamecon with her cat and getting ready to do a "just got back" vlog when she decides to check twitter. It turns out that some person who doesn't matter tweeted at her to take the "Celestial Mates Challenge" and get matched with her perfect alien dreamboat. Female decides that her extra "protective" fanboys would think this stunt is hilarious, and signs up. The only problem is that the app is actually a consent form created by a magical cherub who is abusing his power to timetravel for supposedly noble causes, and he needs her... for some reason?

So anyways she downloads the app and starts a vlog about how she's doing the challenge when SHABAM a tiny floating dwarf appears in her room... while she's changing. She's all like "WTF" and he's all like "no time to explain" and grabs her charizard plushie before saying "oh you are gonna love this," and poofs her away.

She appears in the air on a seemingly deserted planet. Directly above the ocean. After taking a nice bath in frigid seawater, she drags herself to shore only to see the tiny dwarf poof in again to drop a seven foot tall dragon man down into the water beside her. The dragon man is very confused, and in his strange lizard speak berates the dwarf. The dwarf just goes "ok love you bye" and vanishes, leaving two sopping wet people who don't speak the same language on an alien world with no supplies. Kind of a dick move.

So the dragon man freaks out because he's from a desert planet and the largest amount of water he's seen in one place before being dropped in the ocean was a punch bowl, and Female Stereotype freaks out because she's alone with an irritable dragon man, but they find a cave to dry off in and start a fire while trying to figure out how they were going to find any goddamn food. But it's okay, because the magic Peter Dinklage shows up like "oh shit I forgot" and throws a bunch of cocaine in their faces so they can understand each other. 

It turns out that the dragon guy's name is actually Ribbed Dick, and now that they aren't dying of hypothermia they realize that omg this person is H O T. So they start getting really weird and awkward because they're both really horny and Peter Dinklage, who is watching all of this, is like "no why aren't you fucking!?" So he decides to spice shit up with the justification of "gamers love adventure" and "dragons are generically strong and heroic" and "women like to fuck violent hypermasculine dragons, right?" and he summons a flock of velociraptors (the jurassic park kind, not the actually chicken-sized version) to attack them.

After a brief scuffle of Female Stereotype screaming and Ribbed Dick choking out dinosaurs like a boss, they realize that since they're probably going to die they actually love each other. Then they fuck. In that cave. Surrounded by dead velociraptors and viscera. As one does.

After discovering the delightful nature of Ribbed Dick’s two (yes two) ribbed dicks, the couple promptly shrivel up and attempt flaccid conversation in a feedback loop of “was it bad for him? Is that why he’s so quiet? Was it good for her? She keeps glancing at me nervously” until finally Tyrion Lannister shows up and says all of the shit that’s in their heads (cuz stalking wasn’t enough we had to add mind-reading voyeurism). Ribbed and Female realize that they are both idiots and decide that the best course of action is to just fuck again, but this time they find a beautiful nearby forest so they can have real scenic artsy sex like a high-budget porno. As one does.

So they tucker themselves out with the twin-dick tango and wake up - surprise - in Ribbed Dick’s bed, in Ribbed Dick’s house, on Ribbed Dick’s planet. Female Stereotype decides (logically for once) that Ribbed Dick may actually be in league with Tyrion Dinklage, though her presumption of  villainy is kinda farfetched. Ribbed Dick wins her over with the argument of “but we made such sweet love and I’m hot, and you’re hot, and this desert planet is hot, and really if you leave me you are going to be surrounded by dragon people who have never seen a human before and you’ll probably die because we’re actually a slave race and they’ll think you’re a spy.” Female realizes that he’s right, they are super in love, and sure her cat has been left alone for way too long and there’s like no water here on this godforsaken planet, but goddamn is the sex awesome and that’s what really matters here. LoveSex

So they resolve their differences with tonsil hockey and then Ribbed is just like “remember how I said that everyone would probably kill you as a spy, but let’s go for a walk and I’ll show you my home.” What a great fucking idea. Lo and behold, the other locals actually bring them before the council of elders to be judged as a traitor and a spy.

But everything is okay, because the grand matriach (who is just the oldest woman present) declares that they are in love and everyone can shove it up their asses.

Female Stereotype and Ribbed Dick then head home for a nice hide-the-sausage session, then Deter Pinklage shows up again and (for the fifth time in the book) goes “oh shit i forgot” and throws more cocaine in their faces, declaring that they are now biologically compatible. Somehow. The pair decides to celebrate with more sex, but Pinklage appears again just long enough to throw her cat at her. The End.

“But wait!” You say, “why did magic Tyrion need the two to get dirty anyways? Why was his time bullshit important? WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT?!” Well, fucking was the point but, if you insist,  it’s because apparently, in the future the entire dragon race is eliminated by a horrible plague, but introducing a single human (and forcing her to be biologically compatible with them) into the genepool at that exact moment with that exact dragon would disseminate an immunity to the entire population (or at least enough for the race to survive). So, I guess, bully for modern science?

[bookswithkatz]

Not So Little Green Man by Celia Kyle

Link to book here.

Link to full plot summary here.

Genre: What the fuck IS this?!

Serious Score: 40/100 - It passes on technical level as competent, but wtf. Who thought this was a good idea. Seriously.

Story - There is indeed a story. Things happen, and they make sense, they’re just… really fucking stupid.

“Plot” - The author seems to find sticking razor sharp claws into a woman to be sexy. I disagree. Strenuously.

Characters - The characters operate as convenient vehicles for getting to the part where sex happens. The main character has an attachment to her identity and has plausible problems with people trying to change it. That was pretty okay.

Consistency - I refuse to read it again for this review, but apparently there is a whole shared universe thing with multiple authors, so who knows if anything is consistent.

Personal Enjoyment (Trash) Score: - This book is stupid. Really, really stupid. I feel actively less intelligent for reading it. That said, I really enjoyed the two hours or so I spent reading this hot mess. 58 No-claws-don’t-go-theres /100.

Teaser Summary:

*Note: I don’t care enough to check these characters’ names, so I went with stuff that sounded close enough.

Earthling Mary Sue is running for her life, her destination: off planet via an inter-galactic mail-order-bride service. Steve Irwin is pretty jazzed for the arrival of his bride so he can share the planet he is the unquestioned ruler of, too bad his race has a problem with uncontrollably fucking their spouses so violently a human would be snapped in half. Whatever is the pair to do?

My thoughts:

This book sucks. It’s got a stupid story, characters with no aspects beyond carrying the plot to becoming “plot,” and lot’s of stupid shit about nonsense alien anatomy for no reason other than because the author seems convinced that it’s hot. It was very enjoyable, it also happened to be free. I see no connection between the two factors.