A/N: Wow it’s been awhile! Sorry about the wait, here’s Ch9 of P&P. This chapter is filled with, you guessed it, chaos and awkward moments brought to you by yours truly— Chaotic!Reader. I hope you enjoy!
The Adventures of Mando and his chaotic dumbass girlfriend. chp. 1
It had been a long day of running from the mass of bounty hunters after the little green bean your boyfriend decided to adopt, after much begging from you. It didn’t help that the bounty for your head was high enough to reach a Hutt’s BS levels, apparently accidentally blowing up a posh casino after knocking down the entire rack of alcohol warrants enemies, rich ones at that.
For some unknown reason to you both Mando decided he needed your chaotic energy around and kept you onboard, maybe your knack for bomb making and ship repair helped his decision. Two years later here you were, repairing some wiring after Mando took you threw an asteroid belt to escape said bounty hunters. While your boyfriend snuggled with the little green frog monster, you were stuck with clean up. Typical.
You have been rewiring for over an hour and you could swear you could smell colors with how long you’ve been looking at the blue and green wires. Forgetting which went where. Which is worrisome since one could potentially cause a self-destruct of the entire ship. you finally huffed, threw the wires back into the wall panel, shoved a sticky note on said panel saying “rewire later”, and marched towards the bedroom. Finding your boyfriend snoring under his helmet, and Baby coloring on the sketchpad by the cot.
You watched for a minute has he colored, finally noticing it was with permanent markers, a wicked a idea slowly forming in the chaotic mass known as your brain. “come here you little womp rat lets color on this,” you said, plucking him from the floor along with a few sharpies. After getting comfy you and baby got to work on a masterpiece.
*Mando’s POV*
There was an annoying beeping sound coming from a distance, at first I assumed it was my dream, then opening my eyes slightly I realized it was real. Slamming my palm onto the alarm clock, only to notice the beeping was from the holo communicator next to it.
Accepting the call after making sure I was fully awake, to the sight of the blacksmith from the covert.
“Is everything alright, did you find a new home for the clan?” I said, trying to keep the panic out of my voice.
“everything is fine Mando, we relocated, I’m calling for that very reason, until our covert is more secure and so long as you’re being chased I regretfully have to inform you that we can not share our coordinates, rest assured none of this is your fault and you are still our family, but the foundlings are our priority, we can only offer aid in an extreme emergency,” she replied, I can feel the regret of not letting me come home in her voice, how sincere she is in her reassurances.
I could also feel the smirk in her voice as she continues, “you and your plucky little mechanic, good day Mando, this is the Way,” She then points to her helmet before ending the call.
It isn’t until I pass the mirror on the way to the cockpit that I notice. There are doodles all over my helmet, one side with child like scribbles obviously made by Baby, and the other side with more scribbles, and a certain male appendage.
“Y/N!” I hollered, climbing into the cockpit to see her cackling in her seat. Baby letting out his usual giggles.
Summary: In a scene straight from the apocalypse, Audra encounters the last action hero. "Chaotic Dumbass Reader” Avenger is here to save the day, one aisle at a time.
Characters: OFC, “Chaotic Dumbass Reader (CDR)”, a very tired Bucky Barnes
Warnings: language, threats of violence, out-of-context movie quotes
Word count: 1,400-ish
A/N: I am 100% enthralled with the “Bag of Tricks” world (please go read all the things) by @heli0s-writes. I’ve been having a tough few days - as so many of us are - and to give my brain a break, I decided to ponder what CD Reader would be doing during COVID-19. I only hope I’ve done this writer’s marvelous character some form of justice. I was super excited to receive her blessing to post this. This is for you, @heli0s-writes. Bless you for all the smiles you’ve brought to us!
Also - thank you @pinknerdpanda for catching my errors, reassuring my characterization fears, & laughing at my ridiculousness. xoxo
This is a work of fiction based upon characters owned by the MCU and created by @heli0s-writes. My work is not to be copied elsewhere without my written permission.
Audra stood at the entrance of the aisle, stared at the shelves, and swallowed hard around the jagged tears clogging her throat. The industrial metal towered over her head, and the empty shelves glared cavernously down at her as she trudged down the row. The cart squeaked annoyingly, one wheel sticking and spinning like a drunk ballerina as she tried to shove around the rickety remains of a Charmin cardboard box. Peering in hopefully, her shoulders sagged - nope. Not a roll to be seen.
A bit further down the aisle, she saw a couple of people shoulder deep in an open box on the shelf, and urged her stupid cart in that direction. Growling, like that of a supremely pissed off house cat, zipped chills up her spine. Audra paused, looking around the floor closest to her for the critter. Seeing nothing but hearing the growl continue, she looked up.
Not a cat. So much not a cat.
A woman sat perched on the top shelf like some kind of slightly cute but mostly terrifying ninja gargoyle. Completely clothed in black, she glared at the two women heave-ho-ing packages of toilet paper into their carts and - were those wrapping paper tubes taped to her? - hissed. Actually hissed at them.
Expletives from the two women distracted Audra back to the task at hand. She sidled her way around them up to the box and chewed hard on her lip. Empty. A glance at the wrestlers behind her saw three and four packs each of awful 2-ply store brand toilet paper, 9 rolls each. The shorter of the two stomped away with her loot, leaving the other to Tetris her prize around the 4 gallons of milk and a wobbly tower of bacon packages. Ready to forget it and walk away, Audra thought of what waited for her at home and dug deep for her bravery, gingerly reaching out to the woman with a nitrile-gloved hand.
“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you. But is there any way I could have one of those packs of toilet paper?”
A glare from the other shopper. “No.”
A growl from above.
Wavering but not giving up, Audra squeezed her hands together. “I’ll pay you $10. I’ve got the cash.” Digging in her pocket, Audra extended a folded bill. “Or, if you’d rather, I can Venmo you right now. Electronic, no germs.”
“Bitch, please! Try $25.00, and we can talk about it,” the woman snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.
Audra blinked, momentarily stunned at the unprovoked viciousness and the audacity of the request. Just as tears threatened to straight up strangle her, the ninja gargoyle cat woman dropped to the floor between them. A cheerful tube of wrapping paper dotted with birthday cakes jabbed Audra in the belly before she scrambled back, dodging another roll of Santa-hat-wearing Yoda’s and Darth Vader’s that protruded from the woman’s right hip. Before Audra could even attempt to figure out what the hell was going on, the ninja gargoyle cat woman pulled out a sword - an actual sword - and pointed it at the other shopper’s chest.
“Say hello to my little friend!”
“Shit!” the woman squeaked out, eyes bugging out of her head. The ninja gargoyle cat woman growled, hissed again, and spoke.
“This is a katana. One of the oldest warfare weapons in Japan. Made out of tamahagane steel and polished for three weeks. I can slice your head clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk? Go ahead. Make my DAY!” Her voice rose inexorably from a hissing whisper to a screech as she inched her face to within kissing distance of the increasingly terrified woman. The offender frantically reached into her cart and tossed Audra a package of toilet paper; an impressive feat as she did so without even breathing. Ninja gargoyle cat woman grinned maniacally before she leaned forward and licked the offender’s face, then danced happily away a few steps, batting her in the side with a roll of pink flowered wrapping paper reading “fresh out of fucks” that jutted out from her left hip.
“What the hell are you doing now?” A deep voice cracked and croaked out the question. Audra turned to face the newcomer, clutching her precious package of toilet paper, faintly tracking on the frantic wails and wiping of the vanquished shopper behind her. The famous Winter Soldier stood before her, 2 bags of flour and a box of Cocoa Puffs in one arm as he stared at ninja gargoyle cat woman. His hair stood out from his head like he’d tried pulling handfuls of it out, and his face just looked...done. This man looked 100% done.
“Bucky!” she squealed with glee, prancing towards him. “Toss me the Cocoa Puffs!”
“No. What did you do to that lady?”
She blew raspberries at him, sliding her sword into a sheath strapped to her back. “I helped her out. Look at her!” The wrapping paper tubes bounced animatedly as she waved an arm at Audra. “Young kids at home. Spouse is a cop. Back is hurting. Needs toilet paper.”
Audra was getting a headache. Oxygen seemed important, but she couldn’t figure out how to get it inside her body. “How did...what...you…”
Ninja gargoyle cat woman glared at the Winter Solder as she raised her hands, ticking off items on her fingers. “‘Paw Patrol’ fruit snack wrappers hanging out of her purse. Last year’s ‘NYPD’ tshirt under her sweater. Can’t stand fully upright, probably because she’s lugging laundry hampers or babies around. Toilet paper, Barnes! I’m doing a public service!”
“Not her, you idiot! I saw all that on the cop’s wife, too. Her! The one that’s crying on the phone that now she’s got the virus!” Avoiding the bobbling wrapping paper tubes, the Winter Soldier leaned in close, vein in his forehead bulging as he jabbed a finger down the aisle towards aforementioned crying woman. The growling returned as ninja gargoyle cat woman narrowed her eyes, jabbing one hand towards the Winter Soldier. An audible snap accompanied the bright blue spark that crackled out, sending the man crowhopping backwards and dumping the flour and cereal to the floor as his metal arm went limp.
“You just - you just tased my arm! What the hell?!?”
She primly ignored him, scooping up the box of Cocoa Puffs and crooning to it sweetly before she turned a fierce glare upon him.
“Six feet back, motherfucker.”
Audra couldn’t stop her flinch when the woman flounced in her direction, all toothy, bright-eyed smiles.
“You good, mama? You need me to get you some diapers? Please can I go get you some diapers? I saw a skirmish of a couple of dads over there!” she batted her eyes pleadingly, clasping her hands together like she was begging for ice cream instead of another chance to...Audra wasn’t sure what to call it. Help? Terrify? Mutely, she shook her head. Her saviour huffed, shrugged her shoulders, and then yelped when one of her wrapping paper tubes was ripped off her body. The Winter Soldier bashed her over the head with it, then threw it all the way down the aisle. The precious box of Cocoa Puffs went sailing in the other direction before he hauled ninja gargoyle cat woman over his shoulder. Ignoring her screeches, he looked at Audra with serious grey eyes.
“You good? Seriously? Want me to go with you to the register?”
Warmth filled Audra at their genuine concern for her. She found a smile for him as she shook her head.
“I’m good,” she assured, gesturing to her cart bearing milk, Goldfish crackers, diapers, and baby wipes. The Soldier smiled and nodded, then turned as the woman started grappling for her sword.
“All right, Barnes! You called down the thunder and now you’ve got it. Run, you cur! You tell ‘em I’m coming, and Hell’s coming with me, you hear?”
The Winter Soldier rounded the end of the aisle, out of sight, but you could still hear the exasperated sigh he gave.
“We get it. You’re a goddamn action hero. Is this my set of throwing stars? Why are you like this?”
The Adventures of Mando and his Chaotic Dumbass GF chp.2
I just had coffee and I'm still sleep deprived. Let’s gooooo! Excuse the errors I'm too bothered to fix. If you wanna message me corrections go ahead, I need all the help I can get. This is long btw
Was a peaceful night on Mando’s ship, he and the baby frog monster were asleep in the cot. While you being an insomniac decided to finish rewiring the ship, mid-flight of course. With a flashlight shoved between your teeth, the upper portion of your body stuck in the wall of the ship (you wonder how you fit, then remember you’re a grease gremlin), and greasy fingers wrapped around two bundles of color coordinated wires (you’re not an unorganized Jawa) you continued trying to fix the flying bucket you called home.
You had taped your data pad to the inside wall for hands-free use and was rereading the old manual trying to keep from making the ship blow up brighter than your future. You’d think you’re fancy flight engineering degree would help, apparently the college expected you to be wiring legal Republic ships.
“screw it I'm an engineer,” you said plugging the green wires in and twisted the red wires around to plug in above deck (Mando might want use of his flight controls). Only getting a minor zap from the live wires as you hastily shoved the panel closed. You glanced down at your data pad, seeing the picture you took of you standing proudly with your wanted poster a purple twilek next to you, staring intently at the figure of Mando in the background. You remembered the day as your first date with Mando, he remembered it as the day you dragged him off the ship.
~time warp!!~
“come on Mando let’s get off this rust bucket and let the other engineers work,” you whined, tugging harshly on his glove. You were hellbent on getting rid of your cabin fever.
“No, we can’t leave the ship unattended, most importantly our bounties,” he stated huffily, folding his arms to keep you from stealing his glove. Again.
You stood still for a moment mulling over the fact he said “our”, letting a soft smile overtake your face before forcing it into a pout, turning the puppy eyes on full force.
“please Mando, I rigged the ship to blow if anybody but us flew it, I just need to pick up a few things and then we can come right back,” pleading with the softest voice you could muster. Your soft voice was his weakness, You knew it, he knew it, even the damn engineers watching you knew it the moment his body relaxed and he took heavy steps off the ramp. Without a word or huff he followed you down the streets.
The few things you needed to pick up included the weirdest assortment of junk Mando had no idea what you needed for. He just knew it was important from the way you haggled with every merchant, from the canisters of Flammer fuel to the box of candies that had “flammable” written on the top. But if anybody knew what to do with it, you did. Because for all your faults, there were many, not even Mando could deny you were an engineering genius. It wasn’t until the last shop that Mando knew it was a date.
“well if it isn’t my little Nova bomb!” A lavender Twi’ek exclaimed, rushing through a bead curtain. her face held the lines of a mother and the scars of a fighter, one lekku shorter than the other with a stark white scar running down the longer, another scar along her right eye making the deep blue of them stand out. She wrapped herself around Y/n, startling Mando slightly, his hand already loosening it’s grip on his blaster.
“Gida I thought you were back on Tibrin!” Y/n squealed in Gida’s hold. Moving to hold her at arms length.
“Well let’s just say after the stunt you pulled, the debt collectors paid more attention to my cantina than I wanted them to so I thought a change of scenery would do me some good,” she sassed, punching Y/n lightly on the arm. Her eyes immediately turning to Dyn.
“now who might this fine Mandalorian be Nova bomb, a new boyfriend I finally get to meet?” she quipped, side eyeing a blushing Y/n, Jutting her hand out to shake Dyn’s.
“Gida, owner of this fine establishment, everything underneath, and the adoptive mother of the fire cracker you’ve been traveling with,” she stated mother like, her handshake stronger than most men, conveying a message that Dyn could read loud and clear. Hurt her and I'll feed you to a Bantha, Mandalorian be damned.
“most call me Mando, you’re daughter is just my flight engineer a damn fine one thanks to you assume,” he said, the most he’s said to a stranger since Y/n knew him. Gida nodded her head, herding the two to a private booth, signaling to a passing waitress. Who brought out a bowl of soup for Y/n and giving Dyn a covered bowl for later.
The two spent the rest of the night catching up, Dyn just witnessing the motherly warmth radiating off the middle-aged twi’lek.
“Nova bomb, since you ran off before I’d like a picture of my daughter’s first wanted poster, nothing could make this old smuggler more proud,” she fake sobbed, posing next to the beet red Y/n.
After the photo was taken, Gida had to handle a pair of drunken merchants, leaving Y/n and Dyn in the private booth. Alone.
“Nova bomb?” was all Dyn asked, his interest peaked at the off nickname. Causing the already embarrassed Y/n choke on her third bowl of soup.
“ I’m not telling the story, let’s just say it involves my first time making a flash bang and my first smuggling job in a missile plant,” she groaned, pointing to a j shaped scar on her arm. Causing Dyn to let out a genuine laugh.
