It’s so rare that anyone takes any time to sit and enjoy anything anymore. To take time to enjoy reading, writing, or watching the scenery pass by as one sits in silence. I’m sitting at this Charbucks waiting for Meredith to come and it’s nice to just be by myself for a little while with my headphones, music, and table all to myself. Nobody is bothering me…
This coffee is disgusting. I can’t actually believe I ordered a red eye. I would’ve been better off with something sweet to mask the taste but I didn’t want to pay $5.00 for crap. At least I got away with half price with what I ordered. I’m pretty sad that the coffee shop that used to be by my house is gone. I’ve had a lot of first dates there, including my first date with my husband, and their coffee was at least not burnt. Oh well.
It seems like I make people uncomfortable or something when I am by myself. I always get the feeling that people are making some kind of negative judgement about me when they look me in the eye. I have always felt that way. I don’t think it’s an insecurity however. I know I have the ability to see inside of people… I just can’t always hear what they’re thinking and that is what makes me uncomfortable. But life isn’t really about being comfortable anyway right? It’s not really about how other people make me feel. It’s about how the jesus inside I me makes them feel.
I love my life even though I have never had the ability of so many others to fit in and blend in. It’s a blessing I’ve looked at as a curse for so long. I’ve learned to take a step back from the crowd and observe, take it in and analyze it. I feel at this point that it’s a gift even though I often feel lonely. Sunday Prophet Bob was praying with me and he was telling me that I need to get in touch with my spiritual child. This is something I’ve been feeling for a while but it was nice to get some confirmation on. He was telling me to have fun. Have fun with other people. I think this is something I’ve forgotten how to do. My personality is all in or all out and so many people I have allowed to lead me down a wrong path in the name of fun so I have distanced myself from these things. For years… Maybe eight years, people have been telling me that I’m too hard on myself and to have fun. I guess I don’t really know what that means. I’ve been searching for it but can’t seem to find the definition that I am supposed to find.
I think I have fun… I have fun writing stuff like this. I have fun painting, playing with max and buddy… I probably have the most fun when I am playing with buddy. That gives me joy. I guess when I am doing all of the other things I like to do I feel more content than anything else. I don’t get excited about a whole lot.
So I guess that’s my task for right now. Find what it means to have fun and with other people…