Lockdown
The only thing lockdown taught me is how lonely I am.
I didn't realise my mental health issues are exaggerated by my lack of support system.
Despite being checked in with more often by family and friends once in a lockdown, once in a 3 months, once a week by some.
Receiving calls, messages, photos did very little for me. At times it made me feel worse. Once the call ends, the messaging ends, again I have no one to talk to. It's just me and the ceiling again.
During March and April my workplace became more busy. I was working an extra shift at that stage so 32 hours a week. In June and July business dropped and I worked 10 hours a week. Until suddenly it dropped again to 5 hours a week.
I kept trying to pretend I was okay but staying at home was making me demotivated. All I did for the majority of three months was lay in bed and watch tv shows.
I had to force myself (success varied) to do basic hygiene like: changing clothes, washing hair, washing dishes, cleaning clothes, brushing teeth, showering and the mysteriously worst one washing hair.
I can't say how much this pandemic has changed me. I think it's basically allowed me to justify not going outside except for work and occasionally for grocery shopping.
Still there are cases and with community transmission - our society is taking it far more seriously. It's no longer this foreign thing we could catch. It's now something 'anyone' could have, even if they haven't made contact with someone who has or personally been overseas recently.
People are scared about the economy, they are worried they will have no money. They are sad they can't visit family. There's so much anxiety over planes being cancelled.
I'm scared after this virus I just won't have it in me to want to work. I'll be so used to doing nothing and delaying everything. I'll be so used to my 5am sleep time. I'll forget the concept I literally drilled in my head that I must go to work, 'no matter what'.
What if my biggest ambition is watching tv, scrolling my phone and napping all day. Is that really that bad?
Well yes, because life costs money..
