#chronic overthinker

[another-hollanov-blog]

[wanderingmind867]

Chiropractor appointments and therapy appointments…I find them both very nice. I find that they're very relieving for me, very good for my nerves. I have horrible nerves, sadly. And yet being able to let my chiropractor handle the actual work while I can shut my eyes and try to relax to the music in the background, being able to talk to my therapist and get all my issues off my chest… there's something so very relieving about all of this. It's very soothing to me. It's kind of the same pleasure I get from nice warm baths. Well, not so much for therapy. But the chiropractor appointments are a lot like my baths. Being able to lay down, to shut my eyes and hear music playing softly in the background…it brings me a weird amount of peace.

It's almost a dehumanizing activity, isn't it? Not dehumanizing as in cruel, but dehumanizing as in "I shut my eyes and stop thinking about nearly all my stressors, just letting myself relax into the relaxing atmosphere around me. There's something to be said for that, I think. Something so peaceful. I can talk to my dad and to my chiropractor, but I can keep my eyes shut for 80-90% of the appointment or the bath, and I can thereby just drift away into relaxation. There's no stress about needing to pee, no stress about my future, no stress about my many, many fears. There's just a calm tranquility most of the time, a feeling of genuine peace. As someone who almost never feels that, I adore the sensation of it.

That being said, I also find the complete relaxation state I enter into never really lasts. Nothing good lasts for long, and my extremely bad nerves return anywhere from an hour to thirty minutes after I'm done with the bath, chiropractor appointment or even therapy appointment. The stress comes back fast. After an hour, it all begins creeping back in. And sooner than later, I'm back in my stressed state and I'm ready for another bath, chiropractor appointment or therapy appointment. Not all three at the same time, although I wonder how on earth that would even work. That's a tangent, though.

As someone with horrible nerves, nerves so bad that a horror movie can scare me into not wanting to sleep for months…well, I wish life was more relaxing than it is. I wish everyday felt like a chiropractor appointment or a bath. I wish I could always stay in my amenable, peaceful state. I wish I didn't revert to yelling at my dad, melting down in my bedroom or gods knows what else. I'm so tightly wound, so neurotic and stressed and easily worked up…it is miserable to deal with it all. It is just truly miserable. I hate it, even as I've already accepted it as a part of who I am.

I'm laying down upstairs again, trying to listen to music while a fan blows at me. I'm feeling an urge to get up and pee now, but I don't want to get up. So I'll just try to force myself to stay laying down. I don't care if that's a good thing, it's just what I'm going to do. Well…actually, I don't know if I can do that. So I did get up to pee.

I didn't need to write that down as it's own seperate paragraph, but I did anyway. It's like an addiction for me, an addiction I can't seem to break. If I didn't have other things to do, I could easily spend 8 hours a day writing down my thoughts, posting them online or in my notes app. And see? That should show off just how tightly wound I am. I'm always thinking, always stuck in my own head. I wish I weren't, but I am.

My dad goes back to work tonight. He takes saturday off so we can do that brain cancer walk, and then he'll work again for sunday and monday. Even this all stresses me out, but I should be fine. I'll take an extra anxiety medication to help me sleep, anyways. I kind of need to. Without it, the stress could devastate my sleep patterns. I feel like stress might be one of the things most likely to take me out one day. Dark, I know. But I gotta acknowledge it. I'm so tightly wound and easily stressed that I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it. Still, I always seem to make do. sigh…

[shestheworst]

Why is my brain like this?

[epiccloud27]

Me: "Tele.machus rarely ever gets a case of hiccups"

Also me: *has 2 WIPs with Tele.machus having incurable cases*

...oops, let me just, uh- rarely in this case is like 3-4 cases a year, whereas Dorian gets them at least once or twice a month, hehe...heh

[strongbabydoll999]

it's me and my chronic overuse of emojis against the dull cruel world

[mayfortunefavourthefuckups]

If there was one thing I wish I could say to my younger self, it’s that maybe if you hadn’t trusted people so much, I wouldn’t struggle to trust people so much now.

[spankerella]

[niceboyeds]

i know you said you weren’t mad at me 5 minutes ago but can you just tell me again because your eyes blinked differently and—