~
i haven't felt this sad since i was a kid. just compounded sadness upon sadness. i don't cry easily it's something i struggle with especially as i get older but i just keep weeping like a baby for everyone who isn't here with me anymore, so many people whose love i will never receive again. so many people who will forever linger just out of sight, hovering at the edges of my vision. the sound of my mom wailing in grief is as familiar to me as the sound of her laugh, and she is known for her laugh. she told me today that two of her three best friends have been taken from her now, and i'm the only one left. she told me that he was probably the last man she'll ever love like that. death changes you every time you experience it but i can tell that this has changed her fundamentally, that there will always be a distinct 'before' and 'after' the way there was when my nanny passed all those years ago. i think i've been changed again in a small but fundamental way as well, although i can't articulate how yet. i think of all i've been through and i feel so old and weary, threadbare. but i'm impressed with myself, because despite all of this i'm still wholly convinced that it is a good thing to be alive and there is much to live for, and that hasn't wavered at all the way previous losses utterly demolished my will to life. if anything this has hardened my resolve, somehow. i don't have much time here, and i'm dedicated to making the most of it.
