im looking to hurt myself tonight im thinking about how will never allows his wife to touch his scars because hes oddly protective/possessive of them & also bc hes trying very hard to keep (gestures widely) all that away from the life hes got BUT WHAT IF he allows molly to run her fingers across the smile on his stomach while theyre having sex just once & at first it feels Good. it feels Right. but then he starts to think about how her fingers are not strong enough, not long & wide enough, not slightly calloused by years of holding pencils & knives & scalpels & suddenly he cannot stand it & has to stop her entirely to run away to the bathroom, hyperventilating & feeling sick with guilt & disgust & longing. maybe jumping in the shower & finishing himself off with his eyes closed shut & a hand on the ragged line of scar tissue & a voice he has not heard in years whispering both loving & frightening things in his ear. & when he walks back into their bedroom he apologises profusely & molly is kind & understanding & thinks hes just broken & hurt & traumatised & he just lets her believe that. what if
