a small drabble about gender feels ft genderfluid louis and supportive nick
Louis is just going about their day, trying to calculate if the tea is cool enough to drink yet, doodling aliens in their notebook, in general minding their own business and trying to pay attention to the lecture going on. And then.
“Someone of the opposite gender–” They don’t listen after that, it’s like the sound is cut off, and Louis’ brain shuts down.
Opposite fucking gender. Opposed to what, exactly? Louis imagines their own gender floating in space, unimaginable to the cisgender mind, and snorts bitterly.
“Did you say something?” Nick whispers from their side, and Louis jolts when they remember that they’re still in a lecture hall.
They shake their head. “Never mind,” they say quietly.
The rest of the lecture Louis is tense on their thighs, always ready to get up and storm out. But they never do, of course, they just chew their pen passive-aggressively, tapping their foot on the floor.
If this had been a boyish day Louis wouldn’t have been as bothered. Those days are the easiest, only a slight discomfort at the assumption that they’re cis, but it’s endurable. But this whole week Louis has felt disgusted by the mere concept of gender, itchy in their skin because every look feels like someone gendering them, making Louis’ body something it’s not.
Louis’ body is just their home. But sometimes it’s difficult to carry because of what it means to other people. Louis bites at their thumbnail and thinks about nail varnish. Maybe if they did that people would at least be confused when they looked at them. Louis would like that.
When they get out, Nick looks worried. “You okay, hun?” His brows are furrowed, and his silky shirt bunching up around the strap of his backpack.
Louis takes a deep breath. “It’s just like, a bad gender day.” They bite down on their teeth.
Nick makes a face. “I’m sorry,” he says. “Is there anything I can do?”
It takes a lot out of Louis not to sigh. “Nah, you’re all right. Just tiring sometimes.”
Nick nods slowly, like he understands, but he doesn’t. Louis appreciates that he tries, and does his best, but… Louis barely understands their gender feels half the time, so how could someone else? It actually is a lot like floating in space; no concept of gravity or oxygen, just endless nothing, things that haven’t been named yet, bright galaxies invisible to the human eye.
But Louis takes Nick’s hand and squeezes it. “You don’t think of me in terms of gender, do you?” They hold their breath, the anxiety still in their blood.
Nick squeezes back. “I think of you as Louis.”
That’s all Louis hopes for, really.
