you should be scared of me.
"I used to have nothing, and then I got this job, this family." This, being SHIELD. [because you cannot convince me that Natasha spent years in SHIELD before becoming an Avenger, and she does not have any friends from SHIELD other than Clint.]
Chapter 4: You're spilling like an overflowing sink.
Pairings: Blackhill (eventually) - focusing more on Natasha and other agents in SHIELD.
Warnings: Violence, torture, abuse (red room is fucked up, what can I say), angst, PTSD-symptoms.
A/N: I update this like once or twice a year I'm so sorry, please only start reading if you're okay with that😭
Masterlist | YSBSOM AU | You can also read on AO3! | Previous Chapter
This was not what she expected.
When Natasha promised the Deputy Director to help with data entry in exchange for the mall trip, she expected something tedious.
She expected sitting in front of the computer, hunched over typing in what she sees on paper into the computer.
Not this.
“You know, staring at the screen harder will not make it magically translate and transcribe,” came the voice that she’s been more accustomed to recently.
Natasha sent a weak glare towards the brunette sitting in front of her, “I’m aware.”
Maria stood and came to Natasha’s side of the table, “How are you doing?”
“You’re still on the second page?” asked the Commander.
Natasha tensed almost immediately upon hearing that, in which Maria just softly pushed down on her shoulder, “You’re not in trouble, calm down Agent Romanov.”
The redhead takes in two deep breaths and forces herself to let go of the instinct to twist and bolt the room.
A part of her knows that S.H.I.E.L.D. has been holding out, there has not been any punishments or consequences to any of her mistakes. It was unnerving, and it also caused a part of her to constantly be on edge.
“What’s the issue?”
Natasha thought about how to explain and settled on, “It’s hard getting the right words in English.”
Maria nods in understanding, “Ah, you’re like Bobbi, but reversed. She can speak Russian fluently without anyone doubting her but the moment she needs to start translating English to Russian, she just gets stuck.”
Natasha nods, glad that the Commander is being understanding instead of punishing her for not doing this as fast as expected.
Maria locks her gaze with the red head, ensuring that she understands what she’s about to say, “It’s not a bad thing, it’s quite common. But next time I tell you to do something and you struggle with it, tell me. I’m not going to punish you or berate you just because you’re not perfect.”
Natasha turns away at that, feeling too constricted within the space with the Commander. She hates the way that the Commander specifically seems to see through her quite easily.
It means that she’s been sloppy.
And being sloppy means being in danger.
Sensing the clear discomfort from the Black Widow, Maria changes the topic swiftly, “How did you learn English?”
Maria walks back to her side of the desk and plops down, taking a sip of her coffee.
Natasha transcribes a sentence before she looks up from her laptop, “They made us watch cartoons when we were younger, and then once you reach four years old you’d start getting proper lessons from the madames.”
She remembers the lessons very well.
Some of her core memories of the Red Room were of the times she spent when she was 5 years old, learning English vocabulary and how to speak in proper sentences since she was going to be sent to her first mission soon.
The ‘crash course’ took about 2 weeks of intense lessons, where she was taught to converse and understand English so she can assist in obtaining information during the mission coming up in Colorado soon.
She can still feel the tingles in her feet when she thinks about the lessons that Madame L gave her, pushing her harder and further than the other girls because they knew she was capable.
It sucks to be smart sometimes.
“Do you like learning languages?”
Natasha pauses her thoughts, bringing herself back to the later years, when she was around 9 years old where mastering languages became a second nature to her, and she would finally start earning the esteem from her peers and the madames.
“It’s interesting enough,” came the careful answer.
“What’s your favorite?”
“To learn or to speak?”
Maria blinks, “Both.”
The Black Widow thought about it for a bit, “Learning languages like Arabic was interesting, because it was entirely different from what I know, and it wasn’t too hard to write once you understand the strokes.”
At the Commander’s nod, she continues, “But speaking Mandarin will always be the most satisfying because they never expect you to know the language, and the vulgarity of mandarin and other dialects are always hilarious to me.”
Maria can faintly see a smile trying to break through the redhead. She herself has heard Agent May curse in Mandarin a few times when people really frustrated her, so she chuckles, “I’ve always admired people that can speak different languages.”
Natasha was shocked to hear such a statement from the brunette. The madames in the Red Room would never admit to such a weakness.
Out of curiosity, Natasha dared herself to ask, “Do you speak any other language?”
“My grandmother would be disappointed if I lose my Italian roots.”
Natasha lets herself react to the different language from the Commander, tilting her head before responding, “Was she the one who taught you Italian?”
Maria nods, “She is the only reason I know and still speak Italian. My family doesn't really speak it anymore, but she insists on the language whenever we visit her during the festive seasons.”
“ That must be nice… ”
And they ended the conversation there, knowing that bringing this topic any further might be sensitive for both of them.
The trip to the mall was pretty uneventful. Natasha, as expected, was hesitant in it at first, letting the other three women take lead of the situation and circumstances; however, once it was clear that they are looking at her to make decisions for herself, she finds herself relaxing a bit more and choosing different clothes for herself.
Bobbi was helpful when it came to offering advice and helping Natasha when making decisions. Natasha is not an imbecile, she knows that the agents are likely observing and noting down her behaviors at every chance they get, probably reporting back to whoever they report to when they get back. But there is just so much going on, and it has been so, so long since Natasha had to make this many decisions for herself.
So many colors, styles, materials…everything was just overwhelming.
She was used to the Red Room choosing what they wear. The catsuit was not only appealing to the general public and oftentimes helped in the espionage work, but the catsuit itself is also highly practical and flexible.
Outside of missions…
Well Natasha frankly doesn’t remember what it’s like to be outside of mission anymore. She wears what is necessary. If she’s undercover for a ball then she’s wearing a skimpy dress. If she’s undercover and trying to blend in the environment then she’s wearing whatever is considered casual for that location.
It has never been what she wants to wear.
The hoodie that the Commander got her was her first in many years.
And now she’s forced to choose more. Decide more. Know more.
Regardless of how unsettled and overwhelming everything feels, they still manage to purchase almost everything Natasha needs.
Natasha had never felt as mentally exhausted as she currently is, and the others might have picked up on it cause they decided to sit down at a little Italian place to grab dinner before returning to HQ.
Agent May ordered Maria to handle the food order, and it was definitely not because she noticed how the redhead has been getting unsettled over the need to make so many decisions in one day.
Maria playfully scowled at her words, made a comment about being of higher rank before she went to the counter to make the order. And Natasha is left with the two agents.
Bobbi went through her own purchases, pulling out a dress that she fell in love with as soon as she laid eyes on it.
May ran her fingers over the fabric of the dress, “This was a good purchase, I still remember when you wore that dark purple dress to the undercover mission in Mumbai? This kinda looks like that one.”
Bobbi laughs when she hears Agent Hill’s voice adding on, “All you’re missing is just a slit at the back, and a broken chair in your hand.”
It brought back memories of the mission where she started the night at a fancy dinner and ended up breaking chairs in a bar.
Bobbi playfully glared at her, “Oh you’re one to say, no one can top your look during the gala when you pose as some rich snobby politician’s missus, even after you tore that dress apart trying to run through the subway and doing a full car top chase.”
Now that was a mission .
It was one of the few highlights of Maria’s career in S.H.I.E.L.D. as an agent.
She didn’t stay as an Agent for long. Fury recruited her from the Marines and had plans for her from the start; as soon as she was deemed ready, she was promoted into team leader and then after a year, she jumped straight to Commander.
You do not keep someone like Maria Hill as an Agent. It’s a waste of time and talent for both herself and for S.H.I.E.L.D.
“That was so much fun, sad the dress had to go but at least I got what I needed,” said Maria, reminiscing on the times where she was more active in field work.
“You guys had undercover missions too?” asked the redhead as she took a sip of the coffee after Bobbi drank from it and slid it her way. It’s slowly becoming a habit, and Natasha is just glad that no one is making a big deal out of it.
Maria nods as she sits down next to Agent May, “May hates them, and I don’t get much ever since the…promotion. But this one gets them the most and has fun with them,” she huffs out a laugh when Bobbi smirks at that.
Bobbi then turns to Natasha, “You probably have some crazy stories don’t you? I remember you’re in the espionage division back there so you must have met some insane situations?”
It was the way she brought it up.
So casually.
None of the hesitance or fear like how other people would ask her about her past.
Not like Clint who tends to consider for a long time before asking something, and unlike the Commander who only asks when she feels like it’s needed cause she remembers the way Natasha got triggered in the interrogation room.
It gives Natasha a sense of normality.
She managed to take a moment before answering without making it seem like Agent Morse’s question caught her off guard, “Yeah, there was one time I was sent to Hong Kong as a protection detail for some foreign politician. We stayed near the central harbor, and he was supposed to be in the hotel after the convention.”
The corner of her lips turned up slightly as she thought back to the mission, “He tried to slip away, which I allowed and followed closely, but then it turns out he went straight to the red light district trying to have a fun night in Hong Kong.”
At that, Agent Morse started laughing.
Natasha was secretly proud of herself for that.
“When it started getting dangerous cause we heard sirens from two streets down, I barged into his room, only to find him tied up and the girl was literally grabbing everything she could from his wallet and belongings.”
That was a sight that she could never forget. Not only was the room incredibly small, the tied up Politician was also very very naked and humiliated. The woman with his wallet wanted to throw the glass mug at Natasha but when the redhead gave her a nod towards the window, she immediately climbed out and never looked back.
“No way!” came the exclamation from Agent Morse and her smile was contagious.
“She was really pretty too actually, but I let her go with what he had in his wallet and he was angry at first until I threatened to leave him there tied up for the police to find him.”
They trade stories back and forth, mainly Bobbi and Natasha while May would give her one liner comments here and there. Maria consciously kept her focus on the redhead, she is amazed at how open the redhead is to Agent Morse.
She understands the charm of one Bobbi Morse, she herself was no less captivated by the ease in which the blonde agent slips in and out of personas when she first joined. She has a way to get past your defenses, but it still baffles her how comfortable the Black Widow seems to be around her - or well, as comfortable as it is possible for a Widow she supposes.
After the quick break, the Commander said that they can head over to the grocery store so they can grab a few snacks, and also saying that Natasha should get some other essentials for her room if she wants to.
They split up with the Commander headed straight for the toiletries since her bathroom was apparently being invaded by agents who have no personal boundaries, while Agent May went off to get some new towels.
Agent Morse was left walking down the snack aisle with Natasha, and paused when the redhead stared at one of the snacks on the shelves, “What are you looking at?”
“Fruit gushers.”
They noticed that the redhead was getting slightly overwhelmed by the day.
It was something that Bobbi was the first to pick up two weeks ago, in which Natasha tends to get easily irritated when things are getting overwhelming for her. She saw how the Black Widow reacts to people around her and how pinched her face gets when people annoys her.
It was amusing, since it was such a relatable feeling for her.
And other than being easily irritable, she also falls back to short and direct answers when it happens. It seems like the default for her when she’s in an uncomfortable or overwhelming situation.
Which is where they’re at right now, it seems.
“Is it something you like?” asked Bobbi, knowing that the redhead is still slowly finding out her own preferences with things.
“Agent Barton spoke about it briefly.”
Ah.
So this is for someone else.
Bobbi is sure that not only is the environment and day event overwhelming her, the feelings and intentions that she’s going through right now might also be a cause.
She looked around and started grabbing her own snacks, “I think I’m gonna go grab some instant food to stash as well since I’ll be on the carrier for a while, meet you at the entrance in about half an hour?”
The redhead wasn’t really focusing on her, a soft “Mhmm,” was all she got, but she didn’t pay any mind to it.
As Bobbi walked away from the snack aisle and towards the instant noodle aisle, she thought about the briefing that Maria gave them just two days ago.
Was this a test?
Maybe…
It was not a test from the Commander, of course not, but from the council.
They wanted proof to see if the Black Widow will run when given the chance. They insisted that Maria do this little test and leave the Black Widow alone at any point of their little shopping spree, which she thought was stupid, but orders are orders.
Bobbi on the other hand, actually left Natasha in the aisle because she knew Natasha might have been dealing with a more personal exploration. The way she looked at the candies and spoke about Clint…
A lesson in friendship.
The shopping spree was a successful one, they came back with multiple bags of items and Natasha was feeling…good.
However…
There was a tightness in her chest, like something was squeezing her heart and she finds it hard to breathe when the others are joking with her or helping her carry the bags. She doesn’t understand what’s going on, but she knows for a fact that her nerves are tight and she feels her chest constricting everytime someone smiles at her.
They dropped off her stuff at her quarters before she made her way to the vending machine at the corner to grab a quick granola bar. She wants to stay in her room for the rest of the night in peace, hoping to untangle whatever she is feeling right now.
She made her way through the halls, her head feeling overwhelmed with the thoughts and emotions that were crashing over her, it was like she was slowly drowning. A man stepped in front of her and she almost punched him out of reflex.
She didn’t though, because she has been learning to control herself better recently, thanks to Agent May.
“Agent Romanov, how was the trip? May said that it went well and I even saw her bringing back her own bag of goods from it,” came the question from her handler.
Agent Coulson.
Something about him makes her…feel suffocated.
He always looked at her like she was something damaged, something that would blow up eventually. He’s so scared, not of her, but for her.
And she can’t stand it.
“It went fine, Sir.”
He waves her off once again, “Agent Coulson, please. Well I hope it was fun for you, I know you never had many chances to do things like this previously, but hopefully you’ll grow to enjoy these little adventures.”
There it is again, the warmth, the smile…
Natasha can’t take it.
She hates it.
“Thank you, Agent Coulson,” she grits out before she fast-walks into her room.
When she got into her room she wanted to punch something. There was a sense of unsettledness within her, and she feels the lid she keeps on her emotions slowly starting to destable.
She paces in her room, hands clenching and unclenching to help her disperse some of the tension she’s feeling.
She feels tired from the day out that she’s had, the abundant emotions that she’s been feeling. This is an exhaustion that she thought she’s long got rid of. She trained herself to not feel…ever since Ohio.
No attachments, no feelings, no pressure and icky tension that springs on her out of nowhere.
A quick knock on her door brings her out of her thoughts once again, but her face hardens quickly and she walks to open it to reveal Clint.
He was dressed in the usual uniform, but he had a bag of chips and two cans of red bull in his hands, “Hey, can I come in? I brought snacks!” He shakes the bag of chips a little.
She reluctantly steps aside for him to enter, “What do you want?”
Clint paused slightly at her tone, sitting down next to her bed and opening up the bag of chips, “Just wanted to check-in and see how you’re doing? Did you manage to get any goods?”
“Yes. The Commander was very generous,” again with the clipped tone.
Clint decides to not push her, in case she feels cornered in her own room, “She fought with the finance team to get that budget, it was hilarious when they tried to convince her that it’s outside of their capability and then she started pulling out statistics.”
And that was actually true.
He was in the vents above her room when the Commander was arguing with the finance team on this budget. Fury generally doesn’t approve things when it involves logistics like these, so she actually had to fight with the finance department in order to squeeze some money for this whole shopping situation.
The way she ripped into their budget for the year, including which department claimed more than they should and how the finance team seemingly has a bias towards allowing certain SHIELD agents to go overboard with mission claims…
It’s safe to say that the Commander remains one of the most feared people on the helicarrier.
“It was glorious,” he laughs.
But then he realises that she’s clenching her fists.
Her nails are digging deep into her palm, and she doesn’t seem to realise. Now that Clint is really paying attention to her body language, he sees how tight her shoulders are, how her posture is tense and she looks like she’s ready to bolt at any given moment.
“Hey, you okay?”
“You should leave,” came her clipped reply.
Clint has two options now, he either pushes for an answer, or he leaves. Wanting to test his boundary with the redhead, he pushes, “Natasha? You can talk to me, you know that right?”
And maybe it was the warmth seeping from his hand that was lightly grazing across her hand, or maybe it was the way his voice is igniting some deep frustration within her, but either way, Natasha snaps at him, “Stop being so nice to me!”
And it was like a part of her crumpled, under the stress and uncertainties. This was different from her conversation with the Commander. That was her admitting weakness, admitting that she was confused, that she was tired.
This was something entirely different.
This was self-doubt, self-conscious, and guilt all bundled into one big emotional shit pile that Natasha has no idea where to start fixing.
“I don’t- I don’t deserve this,” came the defeated proclamation.
Clint looks at the redhead in front of him, and he recalls the way that he had to learn how to process emotions when he first joined S.H.I.E.L.D. “Natasha, listen to me.”
He gets it.
He is probably the only one in S.H.I.E.L.D. that actually understands what Natasha is saying. They both came from very similar backgrounds where they’ve done things that they’re not proud of, and they’ve been taught that nothing in life comes free. They’ve been broken down into pieces, and molded into a weapon that their Master needed.
They were bad.
And now they are being given things that they didn’t earn.
“You deserve this. You deserve to have friends and have your own things. You deserve to have people fighting for you and treating you right. You deserve to have kindness and not see everyone around you as your enemy,” said the archer.
This is what he needed to hear.
He didn’t believe it when Coulson told him all those years ago, but he needed to hear it.
And he can imagine the Black Widow needed to hear it too.
She won’t believe him.
“I don’t…I don’t deserve anything…” he called it.
But he also knew that with time, they can prove to her, “You do deserve this. You are human. Whatever you went through growing up? That is wrong. You do not deserve that.”
He still can’t fathom the amount of pain and suffering she went through in the hellhole that she came from, but he knows that no one deserved to grow up like that, “The Red Room is filled with monsters that tried to mold you into someone they need.”
Natasha slid and sat down next to him, her back leaning against the bed. Her hand is surprisingly still in contact with his, something that he realises Natasha doesn't seem to mind recently.
She turns, face finally looking at him once again. He sees the exhaustion and the confusion, but more importantly the desperation.
It was like a child seeking validation.
Desperate for an answer that she thinks Clint has.
“How do you know that I’m not a monster too?”
“Because you didn’t kill me,” was the easy answer.
Natasha scoffed.
Obviously not pleased with the answer.
Well, the standard is kinda low if ‘not killing’ is the bar.
But this is the standard for someone who was brought up to kill.
Clint laughs at her annoyance, clearly some emotions are still easy for her to process. “I know it’s hard, everything must be so different here compared to the Red Room, but you need to try and trust some of us. Try to live the life that you want.”
She seems to go deep in thought with that, her hands clenching and unclenching itself, “What if I don’t know how to do that?”
“Then we’ll try together.”
It was a promise.
And Natasha knows she shouldn’t believe him, knows that he can still betray her at any moment.
But he’s never lied to her yet.
And she finds herself tired of always doubting him.
When it’s just…so much easier to trust him.
They sat there for a few minutes, Natasha trying hard to gather her thoughts and also to control her breathing and emotions. She has been having too many emotional outbursts in the place, it’s becoming a habit.
A bad one.
A quick glance to her right, she sees the bag of things that she bought from the mall, and she digs for the item.
“Here,” was his only warning before a packet flung at him and he caught it right before it hit him in the face.
He smiles at the familiar packaging, “Fruit gushers?”
Natasha just shrugs, “You said these were your favorite growing up. I saw them at the mall.”
This holds more meaning to the both of them than they care to admit. It means that Natasha has always been listening to him, regardless of what he’s talking about. It means that Natasha treats him as someone she cares about, regardless of her behavior otherwise.
If they dare, they might even consider the other person their friend now.
Clint fought hard to hold in his smile threatening to take hold of him, lest he scares her away for this.
So instead, he opens the package and pops one into his mouth, “Thank you.”
He offers her the package, and she grabs one of the colorful gummies.
Clint couldn’t tell her that this right here, is the perfect way to understand why she deserves good things happening to her; that this is why he took her in and gave her a second chance; that if she sees herself like how he sees her, she would understand.
That she is a good person, if she wants to be.
Natasha was back in the training room for another sparring session today. It’s slowly becoming one of her least favorite classes, due to Agent Whitman being an absolute…asshole.
He insists on Natasha pulling her punches and constantly favoring the other agents in the class, often breathing down her neck about cheating by using her skills and fighting unfairly.
Unfairly…Natasha wants to scoff at that whenever he brings it up.
He says that as if she had a choice in her skills, as if she wasn’t forced to learn how to fight since she was a baby…
Okay fine that’s a bit of a stretch, it was since she was three or four years old.
Natasha, as usual, stood near the back of the agents, her face bored and stoic, even when she was intrigued to see Agent May walk into the gym behind Agent Whitman.
“Alright, today we have a very special guest who will be joining us, this is Agent May,” the brunette gave a little nod in acknowledgement.
“Agent May is perhaps one of the most skilled fighters in S.H.I.E.L.D. She has been training for many years and has more experience than all of you combined,” claimed the instructor.
Agent May ran her gaze across the class, and then rolled her eyes, “Maybe not all, but I have some years under my belt.”
There are not many people in this organization that can claim they have more experience than Natasha. She has been training since she was a toddler, if we’re talking about official experience, she’s been sent out for missions since she reached 6 years old.
Her body was built according to her capabilities and needs.
The Red Room had special doctors and scientists working on planning out training routines and identifying strengths and weaknesses of a widow. Once the attributes are identified, they target your weakness to get rid of them, while working harder on your strengths to ensure that it’s potential is maximized.
Agent May continued as she stood at the front with her arms crossed in front of her, “I will mainly be observing while you guys spar, and giving pointers on how to improve and fight more efficiently and effectively. So pair up, the one that performs the best will spar with me at the end of class to get a taste of how a real fight feels.”
The agents all scatter off, pairing up and trying to showcase their capabilities.
Natasha was once again paired with Agent West - to her absolute distaste.
Ever since the tracker incident, there has been odd incidents of accidents happening to Agent West, like that time his clothes vanished from his locker and he had to run from the shower room to his room wrapped in a towel, or that time he slipped on thin air and accidentally knocked Director Fury causing a series of punishment drills for ‘not knowing how to walk properly as a god damn agent’.
But Whitman has been keeping a close eye on her during sparring sessions. Giving her a pep talk - more like a threat, really - on behaving in sessions or else he’ll send her back to the Director.
And with the backup of their instructor, the other agents only got worse with their annoying torments. The lack of fight from the Black Widow during sparring sessions made everyone try to trip her up or get payback, but none has succeeded so far.
She got in formation, rolling her eyes at the smirk plastered on Agent West’s face since he’s trying to outshine her.
She can’t win a fight she’s not allowed to.
But doesn’t mean she won’t make it hell for him to try.
She’s used to the dance of sparring. To keep a fight going on for longer than needed. The madames in the Red Room liked to have them drag out fights just to see them get exhausted and eventually lose. They were sadistic in ways that you couldn’t imagine.
And Natasha was unfortunately very good at pleasing them because of her determination.
May was busy observing the fighting styles of the agents. She wasn’t too happy when she first got the assignment to observe and demonstrate for this class, the almost quarterly assignment that Fury loves to spring on her, but then she realized that she’d finally have a chance to spar with the Black Widow.
Now, she’s not out here showing favoritism, this has been her way of demonstration for years now. Sparring with the agent who’s showing the most potential in the cohort.
And let’s be real, it’s going to be the Black Widow for this class.
So she was slightly excited about that, even if she didn't show it.
But still, a job is a job, so she’s paying close attention to how everyone in the gym is sparring.
There are some that show real techniques, the individualism of their fighting styles coming out occasionally. She kept her comments direct and straightforward as she maneuvered around the gym.
“Keep your legs spread further so you have room for a better punch.”
“You twist your body too much, you need to have a hold of your body instead of letting it flop around.”
“Good form, but be more mindful of your breathing.”
She will be lying if she says her eyes don't wander towards the pair at the corner where Agent Romanov and Agent West are sparring together. It’s been about twenty minutes now, the redhead was obviously dancing around him.
Much like before, May is sensing that the redhead is holding herself back, but she doesn’t understand why.
The Commander made it clear to the redhead that she doesn’t need to protect her tracker, and May herself has seen Natasha bicker and play fight with Clint to the point where she’s obviously no longer constantly cautious of her tracker.
So why is she still holding back?
The way she moves out and flips back a punch onto him was quite amusing, but still.
It doesn’t seem right.
She walks toward the pair, causing the other agents to slow down or stop entirely around them.
She watches as the small figure dances around her opponent, ducking out and blocking punches just to taunt him more and more. Agent West is trying to get a hold of her so he can take her down, but she doesn’t make it easy for him by sending him a kick here and there.
He grunts as he pauses after she lands a punch on his left side for the third time, not a strong punch, May might have called the woman weak if she didn’t know her background. The way she steps back to give him space also doesn’t make sense, more than five chances she could have taken him down already, so why hasn’t she?
“This has been going on for longer than it should,” she asks, stepping into what is considered ‘the sparring zone’ in their little corner.
Both agents stop what they’re doing, Agent West trying to calm his breathing while Agent Romanov bounces on her feet slightly to not stop her movements completely.
Stopping your movements entirely prevents fast reaction when it comes to sudden attacks.
Agent May focuses her gaze on the redhead, “Why aren’t you ending the fight? You’ve had multiple chances to.”
To May’s frustration, the redhead just meets her gaze head on, without saying a single thing. Nothing on her face gave away on how she’s feeling, admittedly May was slightly proud and impressed by her mask but it didn’t make the situation any easier for her.
Remembering that the woman in front of her is basically someone who isn’t even afraid of staring down a tiger, she changed her target.
Turning around, “Agent Whitman, mind explaining why your agents are not fighting to their best during spars?”
The agent had the nerve to look away. Clearly he knew that his actions were not something that would be acceptable…
To everyone’s surprise, one of the rookie spoke up, “She’s not allowed to.”
Agent Pierce - also known as Spaghetti (by Natasha).
“Not allowed to?” Agent May’s voice was eerily calm, much like her presence.
The others shifted on their feet at the tension in the room. Many of them knew that what’s been going on, shouldn’t be happening. And yet none of them spoke up about it.
And then of course there are actual jerks who don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong.
Agent Pierce gulped, knowing that there’s no going back now, “She’s not allowed to hurt any of us, either accidentally or not.”
“By whose orders?”
“Agent Whitman, ma’am.”
Her gaze landed on the senior agent who was scowling at the rookie, but when he caught her eyes, he knew he was in deep trouble, “I will deal with you later.”
Melinda May is not someone who likes to do anything that she doesn't need to, and frankly this is quite an issue that was beneath her clearance level, but there was no way that she would let something like this continue.
And either way, it’s just a matter of bringing this issue up to the Deputy Director.
Maria has always hated when her agents are incompetent, but she hates it even more when they’re just…a shitty person.
Agent May walks toward the middle of the room, leading the others with her, “Rookie, on the mat,” she said, signalling to Agent West.
They both got on the mat, Agent West looking a little too excited to be sparring with the Agent May. All the boys huddle around the sparring mat, eager to watch the fight that will go down.
Natasha stood near the back, but made sure she had a good view of the fight that would go down. From her fights with Agent West, he wasn’t completely useless, but he is considered average in this class. His strength is just…his strength. And Natasha knew intimately that having the strength to fight can only bring you so far.
No. She wanted a good view so she could see how Agent May fought.
She has gotten slightly closer to the senior agent. Their tai chi sessions and also the occasional conversations made Natasha less wary of her. Her assessment of the senior agent is that she would be a good fighter, but to what extent?
Natasha hopes she can find out today.
Was she a little disappointed that she couldn’t fight the brunette herself?
Maybe.
But observing can be just as productive.
The two people on the mat circled each other for a few seconds, before Agent West eagerly started attacking. Advancing on the shorter woman and trying to land a hard punch on her.
She dodge them effectively and can tell that he doesn’t exactly have any plan. He was just punching and hoping to eventually land one.
It was quantity over quality.
A simple way to deal with fighters like this? Not let them land their hits.
Agent May saw through all his moves and with just a split second, she flipped him over and had her knees on his back, pinning him down.
“You fight with brute force and no strategy, it’s a miracle that you passed the academy,” came her cold comment.
The other agents around the room were silent and didn’t dare to comment. Agent West just brushes himself off the mat, humiliated and feeling too exposed under the senior agent’s scrutiny.
Turning, May finds the redhead that she’s looking for, “Agent Romanov, on the mat.”
Natasha froze for less than half a second before her body moved. Clearly her body knows how interested she is with the current events - even before her mind processed the fact that she can finally fight the senior agent.
Standing in front of the brunette, Natasha can’t help but compare the brunette’s current posture to the times where she’s observed her doing tai chi. Not much different, but you can tell that she is not as relaxed, and instead very focused.
There was something in Agent May’s eyes that Natasha recognised, a challenge - or something close to that.
“No holding back,” came the command from the senior agent.
Natasha didn’t give her any indication that she heard it, or that she will follow it. She just gets into position and starts bouncing on her toes, once again getting her body ready for any type of attack.
The spar between Agent May and Agent West was over way too quickly, Natasha didn’t get much data that would help her predict how Agent May might be in a spar. She can only treat this like dealing with any other sparring partner.
Circling one another once again, no one was willing to make the first move.
Natasha was hesitant, wanting to get started on her data collecting mission, while also being wary of how Agent May might take it if she attacked first.
Madames in the Red Room would occasionally have the Widows spar with them - the Madames themselves were once Widows themselves, so obviously all of them were also highly skilled, and had the same itch under their skin if they went on too long without fighting.
Natasha, being one of the best in her batch and also several batches before and after, had always been a favorite among the Madames when it came to sparring. She was allowed to win, might even get praised by the General if she won a spar against a Madame, but the night that follows?
Suffice to say, Natasha hated it when she was asked to spar with Madames.
Sensing the slight distraction, Agent May went in for the first move, fist ready to land on the redhead’s side, but Natasha’s reaction time as always, is impeccable. She dodged it and then deflected it with a kick.
She barely felt it, and May had to roll her eyes, “I said, no holding back. I am not some rookie, I want to see how you fight so we can improve together, and I can’t do that if you don’t fight properly.”
Natasha was still wary.
She kept her distance until May forced her hand by stepping into her space constantly and sending jabs, “No reason for you to keep your distance when you spar anymore, so come closer and start landing the punches I know you want to.”
Natasha nods, and she starts becoming more engaged in the fight. May could practically see the fight grow in her eyes, but there was still hesitation.
“I can see you holding yourself back, don’t insult me Agent Romanov,” May made sure to show some mirth in her eyes so the redhead doesn’t assume the worst by her words.
Seemingly picking up the pace and energy, Natasha started sending in her harder punches, and her body started to warm up.
When she finally got into the rhythm of sparring with the Black Widow, Agent May finally felt the familiar sense of serotonin and excitement of finding a worthy opponent.
Now don’t get her wrong, there are other agents here who will give her a run for her money when it comes to sparring, people like the Commander or even Clint are definitely well-trained and competent enough to put on a good fight when they’re in the mood.
But to spar with someone that is trained to just…fight?
It’s exhilarating.
May has observed the redhead’s fighting style from afar for a month now, and for some reason she still can’t predict her movements. It’s obvious that she would be holding back a lot during her spar with other rookies, but the person that May is facing now?
A complete challenge.
The way she moves and the speed in which she reacts, May is forced to keep up with her unless she wants to be caught off guard. Just a split distraction of looking away will cause the redhead to advance on her, never missing an opportunity to turn the fight to her advantage.
It’s been a while since she needs to be fully focused in a sparring session, as if her senses were picking up on nothing but the opponent in front of her. The way her eyes are moving, her feets pointing a certain way, or even her breath that comes out in soft pants.
Nothing is registering except for the woman in front of her, who seems like she is also having fun for once.
Natasha is finally free from the confines of holding back.
Testing the waters during the start of the fight, it’s obvious that the senior agent is well-skilled. And the way she fights proves Natasha’s previous assumptions correct, this woman does indeed have plenty of experience and skills to her. Her fighting style is much more direct and simple compared to some of the madames in the Red Room.
Natasha wouldn’t be surprised to find out if Agent May has plenty of black belts under her, the way she incorporates different fighting styles sure points to that assumption. Tai Chi was a given, but Natasha also sees hints of Taekwondo and Judo in the way that she is taking advantage and looking for chances to take down Natasha.
Natasha likes it when people keep up with her in hand-to-hand combat. The way it excites her body and mind, keeping her fully in the moment and engaged, with no hesitation and overthinking.
The way that she keeps trying to find an opening to take down Agent May but fails to doesn’t even frustrate her, it just makes her that much more excited and eager to finally get a chance to eventually.
Natasha still keeps some of her moves to herself.
Never reveal all your cards too early Natalia, or people would take advantage of that.
She keeps her pace slightly above Agent May as a way to push her to keep up, and then plans to find a loophole to when she can finally deliver a takedown.
Her eyes track the brunette’s movements, finding an annoyingly smooth and almost flawless defense that she has put up. She picks up the pace when the brunette seemingly starts to go on the offense more.
Her punches and hits are slightly heavier and quicker.
Natasha adapts to it immediately.
She keeps up with her punches, returning them as heavy as they were delivered, bouncing on her toes to ensure that she gives away as little as possible about her moves and strategies.
It wasn’t until the sharp voice of the Commander rang out from behind them that they both snapped out from the haze of their sparring session.
They were both panting and taking in deep breaths, but the small tug at the corner of their lips, and the way they both held each other’s gaze, Maria knew that Natasha had finally found herself a sparring partner.
Honestly, Phil never really expected this.
When he was first tasked to be the handler of the Black Widow, it was a nerve wrecking announcement.
“Your agent brought her back Agent Coulson, so you will be the new stray’s handler as well,” said the Director with a level of smugness that Phil couldn’t even fathom.
He really needs to talk to Clint about this.
Stop bringing back strays, probably wouldn’t work.
But here he was, trying to test the Black Widow on her hacking skills.
Not the most unconventional part of this job, it just seems a little silly to test a professional spy on how well she can do… spy stuff .
Now, one might question, why is Phil doing this?
Well, he might need her help on some hacking soon. There’s a mission that he needs to oversee, and some other teams - he won’t name names, have been hoarding the IT team, leaving only the questionable rookies available for missions.
Now Phil understands that training and practice is needed, and that not all rookies are horrible, but for the mission that he is overseeing, the hacking part is a little bit too crucial for him to bet on rookies.
Basically, they need an off-site hacker to break into the security systems of one of the research labs located in some island that is away from human civilization, in real time when the field agents will be there.
This is crucial because the security systems updates itself every ten minutes, and without a fucking competent hacker, this mission is busted, and Phil isn’t about to let some rookie sabotage this mission that he planned for six weeks now.
Did he bring up this issue to the Director? Well yes, but all he got in return was a menacing laugh, and a permission to fight the other team for the IT members.
So he came up with the brilliant idea of utilizing his latest agent - Natasha Romanov. However, without proper evaluation of her competency - the higher ups won’t give him clearance to utilize an incredible resource.
That was just their way of saying we still don’t trust her, so unless you can prove she’s an invaluable resource , you can fail the mission instead .
To which Phil also would like to say a great fuck you.
But he’s a professional.
Or he can be.
So here he was, sitting in the same room as the Black Widow as she attempted to break into a simulation of a security system that proved hard for many other agents before her.
Many of the IT team members are able to break and pass this test, it’s just a matter of time that determines their competency.
Fastest record so far, two minutes and thirty-six seconds.
“I disabled the system,” came the voice that he’s grown to be more familiar with over the past few weeks.
The senior agent took a look at the time at the corner, two minutes and fifty-three seconds.
Not bad for an agent.
“Good job Agent Romanov, the fastest agent I’ve seen so far is only faster than you by about four seconds,” he finishes, saving the record and sending a copy to himself. He will need to make a case to the higher ups so they don’t get up his ass about this ever again.
Natasha furrows her brow as she lets her handler take over the laptop, “I can do better.”
Phil takes note of the way she hunches in on herself, “This is pretty good speed, you’re a spy not a hacker,” he looks up from the laptop, and sees the way her gaze is low on the table.
Her voice was tight when she grits out, “I can do better, I promise.”
Now, Agent Coulson has spent the past few weeks observing his new agent. If there was anything he noticed, it’s the similarities between her and Agent Barton when they first came in.
But there were also big differences.
He remembers when Agent Barton was first recruited, he was constantly in fight or flight mode much like the Black Widow, and would often doubt other people’s intentions.
However, where Clint took quite a quick liking at Phil’s handling methods, he doesn’t seem to be making as much progress with the Black Widow.
There have been many times where Phil observed that the new agent cower or seem frustrated at him, for reasons that he still doesn’t quite understand. He tried to speak with Clint about it, but he wasn’t able to give him much to work on as well.
“Natasha…?” His voice was soft, and that seems to be the wrong move as well, because Natasha clenched her jaw and out once again, “I haven’t used a computer in a while. I just need more practice.”
Phil really didn’t want to unpack that trauma, the idea that you must be good at everything, and if you’re not then it means you’re a failure, yeah, Phil is staying far away from that hole before he tries to get her to unpack this issue.
So he tried to reemphasize what he said, before adding in another detail to derail ehr from this thought, “You did good. I need your help on a mission for something like this, you down?”
“My first mission?” her voice was doubtful, but filled with something that he never heard from her, something akin to a lightness to it.
Like she has been waiting for this, but also didn’t wanna expect much to avoid disappointment.
He can understand the feeling.
“Well you’re not going into the field yet, but I do need your help in the command centre. I need you to break into a security system that will update itself every ten minutes. You think you can do it?” he asked.
He knows she can. She just proved to him that when it comes to IT skills needed for espionage missions, she was well equipped unless she was actually facing an IT professional. She understands the basics of hacking and security systems, and Phil can bet his Captain America vintage card collection that she has broken into many security systems before.
“I can do it,” came her determined voice.
And honestly, Phil kinda likes that about her.
The conviction in her voice whenever she talks business, she knows she’s competent, and she’s not afraid to show it.
Well that’s one thing the Red Room gave her, I suppose thought the senior agent.
Confidence, or whatever.
“Great. This laptop is yours for now. If you wanna practice with the other simulations that the IT team has in the system, feel free,” he gestures to the laptop.
The World Council was quite insistent on restricting her accessibility to any technology related items, in fear that she might still be loyal to the KGB and do spy things.
It’s actually quite confusing on how the old snobs think of her, on one hand they don’t trust her in missions, citing all that competency crap; but on the other hand they also think she’s gonna burn the whole helicarrier with a usb.
Which is possible, but then again, Phil likes to think that his top agent - Agent Barton is his top agent, but please don’t tell him that - has quite the intuition.
Agent Coulson didn’t become one of the senior ranking agents for nothing, he’s still cautious of the redhead, still firmly believes that she can do harm if she chooses to, he would not be in a managerial position if he blindly believes in the redhead like how his top agent is currently behaving; however, like Agent Barton said, she deserves a second chance .
Phil had half a mind to give the usual warning for her to not snoop into files or whatever, but this laptop in particular is used for simulations from the IT department only, so many normal functions are actually disabled, and so he didn’t bother.
In fact, this would be a good small test to see what the redhead will do with technology when given the chance.
The redhead didn’t pay him a lot of attention, instead she just loaded another simulation like how she’s seen him do earlier. She’s really taking that ‘slower than four seconds’ thing quite personally.
“When is the mission?” came her voice, almost absentmindedly.
Phil packed up his stuff, “I’ll send you the mission package later, all the deeds are in the package. I believe Clint has briefed you through the mission package and how we do things here?”
At her nod, he mirrors it back to her, before leaving her to her own solitude.
“Great, let me know if you have any questions.”
And with that, Natasha was left alone in the IT room.
It was a private room, she’s been here about twice prior to this, once when Clint was bringing her around and the second time when she was asked to fetch one of the technicians to help Agent Morse.
The glass was fully see-through, and she can briefly register the few entry-level IT agents bustling around outside. But of course, her focus was fully on the laptop and the simulations that she loads up.
It has been close to three months since she’s had to do anything on a laptop. She’s got a little rusty, that much was obvious given that she had to pause multiple times earlier. She was never the top widow that deals with IT, it was never close to her area of expertise.
But being the top widow in the espionage division, meant that she’s fully developed enough knowledge and skills to break into most generic security systems and databases. And honestly, the IT lessons in the Red Room weren't horrible.
The instructor - Madame Ying, was an Asian lady in her early forties. She was just a touch warmer and kinder compared to the other madames. Of course it meant that she was less respected among the madames, but her competency deterred anybody trying to pick a fight with her.
Natasha remembers the first time she watched her hack into one of the intelligence agencies from Japan as a demonstration, Natasha swore she didn’t understand anything the lady was doing, and that was after she already learned the basic fundamentals of hacking.
Her skills in front of a computer was unmatched, that even the general is reliant on her. Natasha heard how the General had been annoyed that they could never train or find another widow as talented as her.
Natasha tries to recall all the lessons that Madame Ying gave her throughout the years in the next few simulations, getting into the groove a little once she started playing around on the systems more.
The knock on the glass was surprising, but she saw Agent Morse approach the room.
The blonde agent popped her head in before closing the door behind her, “Whatcha up to?”
“Simulations.”
Agent Morse took a seat next to her, “Ooh, that sounds fun, much better than what I had going on.”
Trying to keep the conversation going, “What did you have going on?”
“Mission reports,” Natasha could’ve sworn that she heard a whining undertone from the agent.
Natasha just laughs at that, she has heard Clint complain about mission reports multiple times by now, and it seems like the hate for paperwork is quite universal.
A few minutes pass, and Natasha finds herself struggling to focus on her current simulation, not used to the presence of another, “Did you need something, Agent Morse?”
“You’re so tense, relax. I just wanted to hang out, procrastinate a little before the Commander dragged me back into the meeting room to complete the reports,” the blonde answered, her shoulder knocking on the redhead’s.
And although it took some time, eventually Bobbi was able to use the power of other languages to coax Agent Romanov into a whole conversation of complaining about their past experiences with incompetent team mates.
She started with Japanese, and then transitioned into Russian once she found the redhead comfortable with it. They traded stories of working with team mates who put them in danger or made them want to do illegal things just as sweet revenge.
And it became a pattern for them.
The other agents started finding them talking with each other in their secret language - it was mostly Pashto, only one other agent can speak Pashto fluently in S.H.I.E.L.D. and it was not someone on the helicarrier, but sometimes they speak in Arabic or Japanese or other languages too.
Sometimes it was so Bobbi can talk shit about someone without anyone understanding, and sometimes it was just to confuse others.
It was a good way for Bobbi to practice her languages, there weren’t too many agents that she can do this with, but it also gave Bobbi a chance to bond with the Black Widow. She’ll admit to being very curious about her, and she wants to know more about her.
Bobbi’s mother always said she makes unconventional decisions when picking friends, but Bobbi likes to think of it as her unique intuition.
So she’s tried her best to make efforts to befriend the Black Widow, maybe the other party doesn’t think so, but she’d like to think of them as bonding whenever they have conversations in another language.
The Commander observed all of these silently, glad that the Black Widow seems to finally be finding her footing in S.H.I.E.L.D., but another part of her, one that might be a bit more subconscious, seems to be feeling a little…jealous.
[Next Chapter]
