Some things are difficult to navigate after a contract has been signed.
And love may just be one of the most difficult.
TW for general angst, self-loathing, mention of the lasting effects of emotional abuse and vague description of emotional abuse--it’s not super heavy, but it’s present. As always please let me know if you’d like anything else tagged.
Gil’s POV
As the evening went on, Gil started to tire a little bit of interaction, and moved to a table a bit away from everyone else. Most of the group had started drinking, and the subsequent interactions had sort of just…avoided Gil. Serilee and Rose had gone to their rooms early, Niko and Amber were laughing about something, Vandita was flirting with Hikari. There really wasn’t a ton of room for Gil to cut in, and he didn’t much feel like trying to insert himself into any conversation. He didn’t mind just sitting and relaxing.
As he sat and sipped at water—he was too small to really hold his liquor, Amber could only hold hers because of her contract—he was lost in his thoughts until Codell sat across from him. He was also just drinking water, and set a pad and pen in front of him. He didn’t look like he was going to use it, and it only had a couple of sheets of paper left, but it was there. Gil inched his hand toward the pad, looking to Codell, and Codell nodded, pushing it toward him.
Gil suddenly felt overwhelmed by pressure. What would he say? What could he say without letting on that he couldn’t stop looking at Codell’s icy blue eyes that seemed to hold so much below the surface? What would conceal that he kept just picturing Codell holding him, how his lips might feel…damn it, he really was pretty far gone. He finally settled on “Are you doing alright?” and pushed the pad and paper across the table to Codell again.
It took a moment, but Codell responded. “Yes, I’m alright. Just wanted a little space and felt that I shouldn’t make Hikari interpret for me when they have…other plans.” Gil chuckled, noting how Vandi’s hand snuck into Hikari’s, how they were ever so slowly sitting closer and closer to each other…
“Are they together?” Gil asked.
“No,” Codell replied a minute later. “Well, not quite. They had sex, but I’m surprised they’re still flirting, since Hikari usually doesn’t like to focus on the same person more than once. They like to bounce around.” Gil nodded.
“So, um…is there anything you want to know? About me? I don’t know, I’m not the best at idle conversation,” Gil settled on after about five failed attempts to think of something witty. Even that, he felt awful about pushing across the table to Codell, but it would have been even worse to sit there, attempting to think of a response and not coming up with anything at all.
“It’s alright, I’m not the best at idle conversation either. What do you do when you’re not working as a detective? I suppose that’s something that’s usually asked?” Oh praise the gods, Codell was just as awkward as he was. Granted, Codell’s awkwardness seemed to just come from not being used to talking to people, rather than having a rapidly burgeoning crush, but at least Gil wasn’t the only one struggling for words.
But this was a difficult question to answer, one that Gil knew shouldn’t have taken as long as it had taken. For years, he’d spent every spare moment with Her, since that was what She demanded. “Well, I, um…I sew some, actually, when I do have a moment. Mostly just mending clothes but I do really enjoy it, I wish I could do something more artistic.” It was true; Amber’s clothes tended to take a beating in the arena, and she didn’t have the patience to sit and sew. Gil did, and he was happy to help mend things for her.
Surprisingly, Codell’s face lit up. “I make quilts for a living,” Codell replied, and for the first time since they’d met, Gil saw a real, genuine smile from Codell. Oh gods. Oh GODS. It was short and passing, but even the admission that he made quilts for a living brought out a whole new dimension of softness within Codell. Gil could feel himself absolutely melting into a puddle, but he managed to send over a reply. He pushed the pen and paper over, and Codell’s hand brushed his as they exchanged the pad.
Through Gil’s haze of oh gods our hands TOUCHED, he managed to note that Codell wasn’t replying. He seemed frozen, off in another world, and his thoughts were…oddly veiled. Maybe he was having a vision of the future. After a moment just sitting, Gil was at a loss. He couldn’t exactly get the pad, because Codell was holding it, and it didn’t seem like Codell would be able to read it in his state. So Gil did the only thing he could think of.
Codell! Codell! Are you okay?
Codell’s whole body started, and he looked at Gil for a second with what could only be described as mute horror. Gil could hear a sudden spike of terror, freaking out, and the sentiment of Fuck, he’s in my mind! Gil attempted to reach for the piece of paper, but Codell stood fast, almost knocking his chair over. His hands shook. Gil opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, Codell left, as fast as he could without outright running back to his room.
Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. He’d managed to terrify someone, again.
It wasn’t as if he’d have managed a relationship anyway. In his last relationship, She had absolutely hated when he signed the contract. And granted, he had signed it to hopefully help see through Her abuse, but…it really hadn’t worked. He’d just stayed in a relationship because part of him was broken, and even as She broke him more, there were times where she put a couple of pieces together and he felt whole again. Maybe he was doing that here. Maybe he was just so starved for affection from someone who wasn’t Amber that he just…was projecting.
No matter what, it wasn’t going to happen. He’d driven Codell away. He shared a quick look with Amber, letting her know silently that he was heading back up to their room, and just sat on the bed, trying to combat the wave of self loathing.
Maybe he just was too broken to love or to be loved.
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Codell’s POV
He was holding Gil’s hand as they looked into each other’s eyes, and he could feel himself melting inside. Gil took back his hand for one minute, but it was only to sign “So I know you don’t like kissing, but are you okay with me kissing you on the forehead?” Codell felt himself nodding, and Gil came forward, gently pressing his lips to Codell’s forehead. Never once had Codell craved the sensation of a kiss, but the light touch on his forehead was heavenly, and he could feel himself blush. “Aww, you’re cute,” Gil signed, and Codell moved his hands to sign something back…
The moment Codell heard Gil’s voice in his head through the vision, his anxiety spiked tenfold, yanking him out of his vision and slamming him into the real world. Gil could read his mind. Gil. Could. Read. His. Mind. It wasn’t something that was in the forefront of his consciousness and fuck, it probably should have been. If he was reading his mind, and had sent him a thought during the vision…that meant…it meant he could have heard…
Immediately, Codell stood, with no explanation, consciously trying to drown his thoughts out with ANYTHING besides the vision that had hit him like a brick as he noticed vaguely that Gil had a nice smile. And with anything besides Gil having a nice smile. Codell wasn’t much for sexual attraction, but a smile like Gil’s, with understanding and kindness woven into it, the way his eyes got all soft when he smiled like that…don’t fucking THINK ABOUT IT!!
After a moment of being frozen like a deer in the headlights, Codell managed to move enough to step away from the table. Gil seemed at a loss for words and was about to communicate something to him, but Codell did NOT want him anywhere near his mind. He bolted, almost running up the stairs to the room that was his. He couldn’t get the key in the lock fast enough, couldn’t yank the door open and get in fast enough. Gil hadn’t followed him, but there was no way that he was going to take that chance.
Codell slammed the door behind him, bolted it, moved as close to the window as he could. As if that would help. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck. His stomach turned, his heart was about ready to beat out of his chest. Fucking shit. Back to the window, he sank to the floor, chest heaving. This was not happening, this was absolutely not happening. After a moment of consideration, he took a breath and prepared to probe into the future that he thought he’d seen. Like someone poking at a wound that may or may not be healed, he reached into himself.
His heart was fluttering and as he opened his eyes, he saw Gil laying in bed next to him, looking at him with a smile. “Morning,” he signed before pressing a gentle kiss to Codell’s head. His hand made its way to Codell’s, and before he knew it their fingers were intertwined, and he was leaning more into Gil’s embrace. Codell vaguely registered that Gil’s hand was incredibly soft, and seemed to fit neatly in his. Gil wrapped Codell in his arms securely, and Codell had never, ever felt safer in his life.
Fucking shit.
Codell yanked himself out of the vision, but he couldn’t deny that he wanted the vision to continue, he wanted nothing more than to have Gil loving him. He found himself yearning to see Gil’s adorably sheepish expression, see the way he looked at him. And the fact that in the vision, Gil had learned sign for him…Codell could feel his cheeks turning bright red, full of heat. Yes, there had been something that came up within him when he saw Gil, so gentle and innocent, but until now, Codell had been able to shove it away, and he couldn’t decide whether to be thrilled about the future he’d seen or terrified that it might come to pass. And…visions only came that abruptly if it had to do with something that was important, something that was very very likely to happen and mean a big change. So the fact that the vision had hit him over the head like that at the barest touch of Gil’s hand on his…that meant…
No. Absolutely not. There was no way.
Ever since Codell had signed his contract, he’d isolated himself on principle. For one, people with powerful contracts tended to attract trouble, as far as he knew. His abilities were best kept secret from that reason, and keeping that secret from a best friend or a partner was out of the question. But even that wasn’t the biggest deal, he could potentially have a friend if that wasn’t an issue. However, that wasn’t so for a partner. Another problem for a partner was his asexuality. He wanted romance without sex, and as far as Codell knew, sex was on the table for the majority of people. Being around Hikari and people like them didn’t help that impression any. And then, if someone managed to see past the danger, past the perceived “brokenness” of someone who didn’t want sex…Codell was deaf and mute. A person would either have to be content with notes for the rest of their life or learn to sign, settle for a partner who would never be able to admire the sound of their voice, whisper in their ear, soothe them with murmured sweet nothings. Finding Hikari, who managed to not mind the danger and knew sign, was a miracle in itself, and he was as far from a romantic partner as Codell could get. And Codell told himself that he was fine with that.
But as he curled in on himself, relishing even the memory of the slight sensation of a hand holding his and a tender smile meant just for him, Codell’s heart ached almost unbearably with years of suppressed loneliness.
He could no longer deny that he ached for something more than a friendship offered him right now. Sure, joking around was all well and good, but there was so much more. Codell ached for someone to hold him gently, listen to his insecurities, look at him like he was more than just the intimidating mute who knew too much. Someone to make him feel loved instead of just tolerated or left around for convenience or knowledge. Hikari did some of that, certainly, but Codell wanted more.
It had been fine to live without that sensation, Codell had thought. But now that he had it, he was all too aware of how empty he felt. It felt like going without food so long that you’ve forgotten about hunger, and then taking a nibble of food and feeling the hunger pangs more powerfully than ever before; having a taste of it brought nothing but pain and yearning, yearning for something that could never come.
Codell excelled at many things, and human interaction was not one of them. Impressing another person? Out of his league. Expressing his feelings? Absolutely not. Even if Codell managed to make himself understood, his conversational skills were lackluster at best, and his charisma was…spotty, if one was being generous. Any available person would see everyone else before Codell, would choose any other human before him. And even though it made sense, it didn’t make it any less heartbreaking.
As Codell thought over all of this, again and again, the feeling of inadequacy and loneliness began to swallow him, suffocating him. For a moment, it felt like he wouldn’t be able to breathe. But then, the memory of the vision came back, the memory of that fucking perfect smile that made Codell suddenly feel like he was more than just the seer, that he was worth more than his contract. It ran through his mind one final time, and that was enough to get Codell to gasp in a breath.
That gasp turned into a sob that wracked his whole body, and for the first time in what felt like years, Codell began to cry.
(This is for all my followers who I know are Here For The Gay Shit! It’s not necessarily the MAIN plot, Signature Powers isn’t a romance, but there’s definitely those side plots! And I promise this turns out in the end--I don’t like downer endings. Tagging my SP crew: @ajaroflightningbugs, @ditzysworld, @goose-books, @jordanprose, as well as the Critique Corner crew: @qelizhus, @rkmoriyama, @moonflower-writing)
Made a token for the game I’m joining tonight as Caelynn Codell, Oath of Vengeance Paladin. Don’t let her calm exterior fool you: she’s drunk and she’s here to wrestle a dragon.
(I hope it's okay to pick characters from your tags and not just Tales!) Illumi Zoldyck?
ofc it’s okay! any character is fair game as long as i’m familiar with them, just because my most recent obsessions have all dealt with Tales doesn’t mean it has to be restricted to it~!
How I feel about this character: i don’t necessarily like him, but i don’t hate him either? Illumi’s done some really shitty things, but it’s all a product of his upbringing and i wouldn’t hold him personally responsible for the screwed up traditions held by the Zoldyck family. i don’t want him anywhere near Killua lmao but i am interested to see what kind of future roles he has left to play. and as far as character design goes, damn he’s one of the most memorable. those freaky dead fish eyes terrify me. and i’m forever traumatized by the way he took those stupid needles out of his face the first time.
All the people I ship romantically with this character: i, uh, hear he’s married to Hisoka now? whatever happened to that, anyways? i wouldn’t say i ship them necessarily, but i’m certainly not against it.
My non-romantic OTP for this character: Hisoka. he’s the closest thing you can call Illumi’s friend and i like their dynamic a lot, it’s really quite intriguing and the fact that they’re pretty much on equal footing makes it all better. i think most of Illumi’s most varied and interesting moments were all around Hisoka, tbh, in a way you can say he…brings out the best in him…?
or like, these two psychos belong with each other so they can stay the heck away from everybody else.
My unpopular opinion about this character: i think the general consensus is that Illumi’s kind of a giant creep, but not a hated creep? which is basically in line with my opinion of him. but personally, my headcanon is that he didn’t always start off like this– that the Illumi we see today is more or less a product of the immense pressure he was probably under as the eldest child of the Zoldycks. and as a character who’s much more of a conformist, Illumi warped this way over time and turned into someone who embodies the Zoldyck ideals perfectly.
One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: he needs to fight Hisoka someday. it’s a must. forget Hisoka vs Chrollo (nevermind the fact that it already happened and i didn’t understand like, half of the fight wtf), I want Hisoka vs Illumi!
I have officially gone through every page and liked the very first post you put onto this blog! I hope that wasn't too overwhelming of a note influx; I tried my best to not like everything! I have always felt very unsure somewhat ashamed of my preference for 2003, especially as I...Can't like Brotherhood. I've tried and will try once again with a person who's closed to me after we finish 03, but- I don't see myself liking it. I have never been good at putting my thoughts into words (continued)
--so, I've always been too scared to really back up exactly WHY I love 2003...But as many people seem to place, there's something about the character portrayal and message that I prefer- more 'grim', but more realistic in result and not necessarily too dark despite what people say... Simplifying it, at least. You went through it a lot and I appreciated and agreed with majority of your points- I also highly prefer 2003's style approach, especially regarding Edward's growth. So- thank you!
HOLY SHIT thanks?? DAMN. I don’t mind the note influx, I learned to stop making Tumblr push all notes to my phone notifs long ago lmao.
I, too, tried REALLY HARD to like Brotherhood, so I definitely feel you there. More FMA content should, in theory, just make me excited, so sometimes I feel like a petty asshole for disliking it, but at the end of the day, it’s just a cartoon and as long as I keep minding my own business on my little sideblog, most people don’t bother me!
03 really does shine with it’s more realistic themes. I think you’re very right, and I’ve talked about this before, but it’s not that it’s inherently darker; it’s actually quite hopeful! It also just doesn’t back down from the harder truths implied by FMA’s setting and the position of its protagonist within that world. I’m really glad you enjoyed it!!
#project hail mary
#cats of tumblr
#photography
