A few of my Stuck Points:
1. No one cares about me as a human being. My only value lies in the things I can give to our do for people.
2. I am voiceless & powerless. I'm the only person playing by the rules. The game is always rigged against me, & it always will be.
3. No one really gives a fuck whether I'm happy or not; the purpose of treatment is to get me complying again, so I can continue fulfilling Stuck Points 1 & 2.
4. If I heal, then everyone who hurt me wins again. There is no justice. I just have to live with it. I get better & the last person in the world to care about my injuries disappears.
If I were still doing CPT, I would have interrogated each of these Stuck Points, describing the emotions thinking about them brings up (rage & despair), then asking whether they're realistic & why, & if they're not, what something else I could tell myself might be. There's a step in the process that I'm skipping here, where I describe a trigger or a memory of an event that leads to identifying the Stuck Point, but whatev. I'm supposed to be staying in the now more, so writing details of Things That Happened doesn't really add anything.
So anyway, are any of my Stuck Points realistic?
The answer, of course, is supposed to be "no," & I suppose since they're all framed in absolutist language -- "no one," "always" -- they're not. But on the other hand, yes they fucking are.
Yes. They fucking are.
I've been fighting The Bad Detox for a year, all for nothing, & no actual hope of anything but more disappointment if I press on. Everyone I've asked for help in the fight, like my state's Department of Mental Health and Addiction Services & Department of Health, have completely let me down.
I've been fighting with work & my union over getting paid fairly since (depending on where you kick off the problem, & which problem you're talking about) 2018 or 2020. No one has given the least fuck about it.
I got back from rehab a year ago, & I've been completely radioactive to my coworkers ever since. Entire days go by where I don't talk to a single person. Like, not even a "good morning." There's no reason for me to be there, except like attendance is taken, so if I want to get paid, I have to go & sit in my office all day. And I want to get paid because...
...oh, it's so my ex can bleed me dry. Good thing I skip meals when I'm stressed, because I can't exactly afford three hots a day.
Like, if I'm the only variable in any of these equations, how can the goal be anything but to accept my role in life, which is to serve, attend, & provide, until I'm all used up, & apparently after that even?
