Putting this one under a read more cause it's a discussion at lenght of OCD, compulsive behaviors, mental health, anxiety, and my current undiagnosed stomach illness, including discussions of eating habits and especially mentioning chewing a looot of times. I'd much rather not risk triggering any new compulsions on people. Also I'd really appreciate it if the only people who offered advice of any kind were other people with OCD, dealing with it is not as simple as people without it may think and it's very easy for well-meaning but uninformed advice to just make it worse
Also hopefully it makes sense because I'm too lazy to proof-read lmaooooooo
Why did I let myself start counting how many times I chew food before swallowing it (doctor's indications, said it's at least 20 minimum) if I knew that between the OCD and the anxiety that my current health state has brought upon me it'd make me very vulnerable to developing a new compulsion
I started just counting to 20, because again that's what I'm supposed to do, like the doctor said, the help my already-suffering stomach digest better. But then, as I made that a part of my routine and stopped doing it as a reflex, I started noticing myself counting completely wrong, skipping numbers, or suddenly forgetting what number i was at, so I started counting from 20 all over again no matter how far away from that I was. Even more, if I accidentally swallow something in too few chews, I go and double the amount of times I chew the next food item to compensate...
And tonight, feeling that my stomach was struggling just a tad, I went ahead and did 40 instead of 20, for every bite. Even if, logically, I know that I don't have to, and that as long as I'm not just chewing stuff very poorly (like just giving food 5 chews or less and swallowing) it will be fine and won't be bad for me. I even know that that's just a rule of thumb, and that what matters most is that the food I'm having isn't completely in a solid state by the time it reaches my stomach - I've found myself counting how many chews different food textures require, a handful of peanuts needs somewhere between 40 and 60 if you really wanted to know - but I still do it. And I'm worried about that.
I know I need a therapist. I'm looking for one, though admittedly I could be a bit more proactive about that. I think, for now, being able to recognize that the act of compulsively chewing a determined amount of times is a result of the anxiety brought by the catastrophic nature of obsessive behaviors, will be very important for me to learn how to go back and re-engage with the actually healthy safe practice of not eating too quickly, instead of ignoring the mental state that's leading me to do progressively more and more complicated mental gymnastics to feel safe regardless of how actually safe I am.
... I guess, since I don't have an actual professional anywhere to ask for help, I'll have to work on the anxiety as best as I can for now. What people ignore about OCD is that (for most people) every compulsion is a symptom of an underlying anxiety or concern. Changing the chewing habit in itself without doing anything else wouldn't do anything, it'd just trade one compulsive behavior for another because they'd be both based on the same worry: that eating improperly will set me back in healing whatever stomach problem I have, not only raising the risk of going without a lot of foods I love for longer, but also raising the chances of further health complications developing, not to mention the chances of my mental health getting worse as a result...
I know that sounds excessive, but again, that's just what OCD does, these extensive Consequence Trees where every path leads to inevitable catastrophe. Really, I have to accept that there is no way to stop these thoughts, but I can work in the ways I react to them so they won't just stay in my mind for hours on end multiple times a day. I'll try getting into groups of other OCD people to see if anyone has valuable advice there
so another thing that came up today during the interview critique thing is my compulsion of rubbing my hands
i was asked a question about my old terribad job from this past summer, and all of my classmates and the professor noted that i started rubbing/wiping my hands on my jeans. i said that while i was answering, i was remembering the work itself and i mentioned that for the last few years, i've had this compulsive behavior of needing to immediately wash my hands when i feel that they're dirty (which is often). i also mentioned that i had clothes i'd wear specifically for that job (not a uniform, just two outfits i'd wear only to that job and nowhere else), and when i quit, i threw them out.
which the professor said could be seen as an indicator of trauma or victimization (although he was quick to say that it's not proof-positive and he doesn't necessarily think that I'm a victim). people who suffer assault will often become obsessed with personal or environmental cleanliness in some way, like repeated handwashing or getting rid of clothes/items associated with the trauma.
i don't think of the work i did was traumatic (and i would never want to compare myself to an actual victim of assault because i feel that's disrespectful and dismissive), but idk i struggle with my memories of that job. it was a difficult job where i did things i had never imagined myself doing, and sometimes memories of it still pop up intrusively for no real reason.
the hand-washing thing has been with me for a while, but i can't really pinpoint exactly when it started. i don't know if i want to, because there's still a lot of things from four/five years ago that i don't completely remember or i don't want to remember.
but then i think it was just a question that brought up memories of doing something unpleasant and i'm over-thinking my reaction because that whole class is about over-thinking your behavior.
