How did you get to the point with confidence that you are now? I’m a baby adult (19) but every time I start to feel a little okay with myself or motivated to improve I remember all the either cringy, stupid, selfish, or just mean things I said/did as a child/teen and I go back to feeling like a terrible person and like I shouldn’t even bother because I’ll always be terrible because I can’t undo the past. How do you get past the self hate and get to the confidence?
I want to preface this answer with a few things. It’s going to be separated into ‘realizations I’ve come to’ and ‘active changed I’ve made’, it’s probably going to be long, and most importantly, my answers are based on my personal experience and some privileges I realize I have that others may not (some of those being a stable income/steady job, not being enrolled in college, my own vehicle, and supportive parents). While there is no one single way, this is what I’ve realized/changed that helped me get better. Take from it what you can, if you’d like.
Realizations I’ve Come To:
Unchecked self-deprecation and sarcastic-deprecation towards/between friends (even in the form of humor) is very often not healthy, easily leads to miscommunication, and to feelings of self-doubt.
Though we have a set list of expectations and a society around us screaming “if you are not constantly getting ahead, you are falling behind and dying” and “you must meet these social deadlines by these points in your life, and if you miss out on them by chance, choice, or circumstance, you’re less than human”, these things are absolute lies. In the grand scope of the human life span, you have so much more time than you could ever believe to experience these things and check them off your list. Do not let others dehumanize you for taking life at your own pace.
People at any given singular point in time are inherently complicated. People over large spans of time are infinitely more complex. There’s no permanent state of self because the circumstances that our wildly different lives hold, our understanding of the world around us, and the ever-changing opinions we hold based on that understanding are all simultaneously in a constant state of change. The only thing that matters amidst all that confusion is not your compounded mess-ups, not your relapses, not realizations you make about previous self-states. It’s that today, you want to be better than you were yesterday.
Active Changes I’ve Made:
Cut out influences within your control that have a negative impact on you. There is no negative influence you actively consume that 1. Cannot be cut out for your betterment and 2. Cannot be replaced with something that will actively further your betterment instead.
I stopped watching overly cynical Youtubers who only went out of their way to examine media they disliked and replaced them with creators who have a more positive outlook on what they consume.
If someone I carve out extra time from my day for doesn’t reciprocate or continually lets me down, I cut them out and I do not go back to them. When it’s hard to gather effort to give to people you care about and they actively squander it like it’s nothing, that is not someone who values you and you do not need them around.
Make self-care a hobby and a part of your routine. Do some things unabashedly for YOU. You are allowed to be self-indulgent, you are allowed to enjoy the life you have.
I picked up the hobby of collecting and painting old Ben 10 figures that I missed out on as a kid, and I do it for me.
I get coffee and draw once every week at the book store, and I do it for me.
I got a PS2 slim, a few Dance Dance Revolution games, and a dance pad, after years of wishing I had. I do it on weekends for exercise/fun, and you bet I do it for me.
I dress up for me, I put on a good song during the commute with the windows down for me. I buy that little chocolate orange from the dollar store the only comes around Christmas time, and you best BELIEVE I do it for me.
It is healthy and necessary to push yourself into new territories, but only where you can and only when it isn’t dangerous. I would encourage looking for small opportunities and fitting them in where possible.
I gave a cute barista my number earlier in the year. It didn’t matter if anything came out of it, it mattered if I actually bothered to gather the guts to get up and do it after not believing I was worth that for so long.
I took an old art mentor up on an invite to a community drawing event. It didn’t matter how full or empty my tip jar was, it mattered that I put myself back out in the community because it made me realize how good it was for me and how much I missed it.
I entered my art in a local exhibit for sale this past month on a friend’s suggestion. It didn’t matter whether anyone bought them, it mattered that I put myself out there after I sheltered my work from the community after not having believed it was worth sharing.
I wish I had some sort of big conclusion here, but that’s all I got!
Once again, I realize the life I live has a much different context than many others that may be seeking advice from my set of experiences, likely due to my access to some things other people might not have. I hope some part of this helps and applies to your life. I hope you love yourself, you’re more than worth it.
