I was more confused than a Libertarian that received free medical Marijuana from the government. I’ve had a neurotic relationship with toilet paper most of my life. Now I’m happy to say, I am not alone.
Ever since this Coronavirus pandemic hit this land of the free and home of brave, it seems as though the whole nation has the same neurosis as I do! You’d expect a shortage of bottled water, or canned goods. But, toilet paper?! I think it’s a paper industry conspiracy to stimulate demand and pretend there is no supply. Hey! Wipe that smirk off of your face; this is serious shit, man!I’ve heard that middle class residents in San Diego are crossing the border into Tijuana, Mexico to get some ass wipes. Their grocer’s shelves are as empty as a Trump supporter’s head. Look, people, you can always wear adult diapers! Or, invest some money and buy yourselves a bidet. What’s that? You don’t what a bidet is?! It’s a standard bathroom appliance in France. Oh, don’t be such a Francophobe. It’s a good idea. It is a small water fountain in a bowl that sits next to the toilet, and shoots water up your poop shoot for a clean rinse. Yuck! Gross! Hey! You are always ready for anallingus. Don’t tell me you don’t know what that is! Were you home-schooled? Christians who home school never teach their kids about sex.
Yeah, I’m insecure about a toilet paper shortage. In 1965, at a Boy Scout camp in the Santa Monica Mountains, I had to take a dump really bad. The only bathroom facility there was one of those county parks out houses. I looked to my left and saw there were only a couple of sheets left on the role—hardly enough. The only paper product remaining was the cardboard tube. Another Scout, who I didn’t like much, came over to take a piss. I asked him, “Say, Roy? Can you get a role of TP?”He looked at me with a sarcastic expression on his face and said, “I hope you sit there all fucking day, Morris!” He left and I heard him say to his buddy outside, “Hey Ted. Morris ran out of toilet paper!” They shared a loud, obnoxious laugh. Fortunately, ten minutes later, my Scout Master came over and handed me a roll.From that day on, I made damn sure that I always had a supply of TP!
In conclusion: Get a grip, people! There is plenty for everybody.
