#content warning for

[dedsec-pony]

golden

[ardenrosegarden]

[archived-memerist]

QUICK PROMPTS! SELECT LINES FROM STAND-UP

    remember to adjust for pronouns, pacing, wording, as you like !!!

FROM DULCE SLOAN

EVERYTHING WRONG WITH NYC && YOUR BODY FREAKS OUT IN YOUR THIRTIES

❝ I was forced to move to New York because of success. ❞

❝ They always look slightly to the side like a cult member. ❞

❝ It’s a Yankee trash-heap. I hate it. ❞

❝ They go “its the greatest city on earth” and I go ... Prove it! ❞

❝ Just ... emotionally, spiritually, historically I’m never supposed to be cold. ❞

❝ Why are we all of a sudden confused as to what is happening out here? ❞

❝ Wait a minute. There’s frozen water on the ground out here ... Jesus doesn’t want me to work. ❞

❝ It was seven degrees outside as the high. Those were all the degrees we was gonna get that day. ❞

❝ I was a theater major not an engineer. ❞

❝ All of a sudden I’m in a Final Destination movie? I think not. ❞

❝ I was standing outside in the seven degrees and freezing my eggs. ❞

❝ The sun was out. Mocking me. ❞

❝ There’s too many humans in New York. ❞

❝ They all sound like witches to me.  ❞

❝ No, through the grace of God, I was not born here. Thank you. ❞

❝ Hey man, I’m just here for some nachos. I don’t want no problems.  ❞

❝ Nah man, I’m just trying to get hooked up on these nachos. ❞

❝ Quick question. Where are the rest of us? ❞

❝ Um, I’m second-generation suburbs... ❞

❝ Brunch? What’s brunch ❞

❝ We’re in Target. That’s a Walmart question. How dare you? ❞

❝ I’m single. Which is confusing. ❞

❝ I have boobs big enough for each of them to have their own boyfriends. ❞

❝ Alright. Two plus two equals married. ❞

❝ Don’t tell my manager, I’m in my 30s. ❞

❝ Listen, when you turn thirty, your body is gonna freak out. ❞

❝ Lies, bitch, lies. ❞

❝ I don’t wanna have sex. I wanna mate. ❞

❝ That’s a completely different part of your brain. ❞

❝ I gotta catch a flight, not a fetus. ❞

FROM JOHN MULANEY

THE BEST OF ... (NETFLIX) && GOT CHEATED OUT OF $120K

❝ When I was a kid I watched ‘America’s Most Wanted’. You know how kids do. ❞

❝ I am in a new phase right before old. Called gross. ❞

❝ I am damp ... all the time. ❞

❝ I don’t even have a joke for that! That’s how much I hate that shit. ❞

❝ This was a song from deep in her subconscious. ❞

❝ I’m like an Iphone. It’s gonna be worse versions every year. ❞

❝ It’s always been legal for us, c’mon, sir. ❞

❝ And then suddenly the government became like ... cool parents. ❞

❝ I smell a robot. ❞

❝ Prove to me you’re not a robot. ❞

❝ I went to college. For the whole time. ❞

❝ Then they said ... how did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!” ❞

❝ We want a gift but only if it’s money. ❞

❝ But, uh, rounding up in 1999 dollars it was $15,000. ❞

❝ So, you might say that I already gave them $120,000. ❞

❝ And now you have the audacity to ask me for more money? ❞

❝ You spent it already? ❞

❝ I gave you more money than the Civil War cost and you fucking spent it already?  ❞

❝ Where’s my money? ❞

❝ And they wear shirts that say ‘school’. ❞

❝ She’s not gonna do anything else for you. It’s done. ❞

❝ Hey, it’s been a while since you housed and taught me.  ❞

❝ Stop going! ‘Till we figure it out. ❞

❝ I didn’t drink water the entire time. ❞

❝ Yes, you heard me. An english major.  ❞

❝ How dare you clap? ❞

❝  How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life.  ❞

[creepycreepyspacewizard]

For sleepover sunday: I've never been particularly interested in the Thorki ship, but then I went and watched Thor: Ragnarök and I wasn't even halfway through the movie, yet I was already thinking "Oh no..." So now I'm having a lot of fun with this new ship, yet my mighty need for fan fiction remains unsatisfied because there are like three fics out there that depict their relationship the way that appeals to me and I'm all like "... damnit... ಠ_ಠ"

I won’t get to see Thor: Ragnarök until it’s on DVD/streaming but while I used to be a frostiron shipper I definitely dabbled in the Thorki ship a bit a lot. There were a lot of excellent AU fics back in the day where Loki was more in touch with his Jotun side where I could definitely see the ship working. It definitely helped that they usually had him being very genderfluid in his shapeshifting, I am here for ‘mother of monsters, father of lies’ Loki haha. I’ve seen a lot of folks mentioning getting into/back into Thorki so I’m excited to see the movie. Thor is a difficult character for me to like (”I got drunk, made breakfast and was kind to a woman- I am ready to be king!!”) but I love Hemsworth, so I’m ready to be convinced haha. 

You should definitely send me the links to those fics. For science :D 

Sleepover Sunday

[mothmanismybxyfriend]