Shabbat shalom! I'm not sure if you're going to be online between now and Sunday so if I don't see you on the internt until then, have a lovely weekend!
I'm just reaching out anonymously to sort of combined vent-and-ask-for-advice about queer Jewish conversion stuff, since I know you finished your conversion journey recently and might have similar experiences.
Basically, I'm a queer and trans Jew-in-progress with lots of queer friends who live near where I attend synagogue. And we all know that serious Christianity-related religious trauma often comes in a package deal with being queer in a culturally Christian country. You can probably tell where this is going.
My friends are all vocally supportive of my decision to become Jewish, but we have some hang-ups. I came back from Shabbat service the other week and excitedly told them that it was a children's service that morning, and that some of the kids had performed a play for us. One friend asked what play it was, then got uncomfortable really fast when I told them it was Joseph's technicolour dreamcoat.
(Side note: the play was awesome! Children have the wackiest senses of humour and there is nothing funnier than hearing a 10 year old scream "anything but the pit!!" while trying really hard not to laugh.)
Anyway -- the dreamcoat story is one my queer friends are all familiar with in some capacity from their Christian schooling. You and I are aware of the similarities (lol) and differences between Christianity and Judaism, and that we will often see versions of the same texts and tales in both contexts because of appropriation and the like. My friends understand this in theory, but gentiles will be gentiles. They hear alarm bells when I say 'dreamcoat' because it was Christian to them before it was Jewish. The fact that I chose to be excited about the play without also downplaying it by going "dont worry guys it's not the christian version!!" has noticeably damaged their opinion of me.
Things like this keep happening, where my friends will be verbally supportive, but then start acting really really awkward around the topic of religion, including when I casually mention things like no longer being free for gay brunch on Saturday mornings because of Shabbat. They're uncomfortable that I find value in the same Bible verses their Christian grandmas quote (even though I've explained that Tanakh actually tells a different story to their Old Testament and can have a completely different meaning). I swear they all think that by getting involved at synagogue, I am willingly putting myself in close proximity to Christianity, and they are either scared of me for it, or secretly think I am a traitor.
They don't understand that feeling squeamish around 'Bible-thumping religious nuts' is deeply antisemitic. They don't like it when I talk about G-d because they are convinced that the Jewish and Christian G-d are one and the same. And for the record, yes I've explained why the concept of 'Abrahamic' or 'Judeo-Christian' faith is all bullshit, and yes I've explained that they are very much not the same G-d, and the response I got from them amounted to 'well there's different beliefs about G-d but they all come from the same initial concept and refer to the same entity so they're the same'. I just gave up on trying to explain; I'm not Christian so I'm not making it my problem if they're unwilling to divorce their feelings about religion from Christianity. I'm still learning and I will not be their teacher.
The way my queer friends look at me now makes me so sad. It's like they are expecting me to start quoting Bible verses over the dinner table, or make everyone say blessings with me, or burst into a monologue about how G-d is great and everyone should believe in Him. Half the people I've 'come out' to as a convert have responded by saying "that's great I'm so happy for you! But by the way I just can't do religion, it's not for me, no offence or anything but I just don't believe in G-d." as if that's in any way necessary. And these people know me. Why do they suddenly think I've turned into the type of person to proselytise or look down on people for not being religious?? As if there's not literally a prominent Jewish teaching that bans proselytisation and promotes religious freedom among other cultures???
It's driving me nuts. My friends treat me like a stranger now. I've known some of these people for 7+ years and they know I'm a queer-as-fuck dickhead with a personality and a traumatic Catholic upbringing of my own. I've always been really vocal about my opinions and I never shut up about my hobbies. It's not like I'm their mormon grandparents, I literally post ass on twitter. But suddenly they don't know what to say when they see me. I can feel everyone treading on eggshells around me because they are expecting me to suddenly take offense at them being atheist or areligious or for eating pork idk. And on that note I've had vegan friends try to argue with me that kashrut is immoral and that I'm a terrible person for following Jewish dietary laws instead of going vegan. And don't even get me started on what they try to tweeze out of me regarding Israel.
For people who say they hate antisemitism, they sure liked me a lot more when I wasn't studying to become Jewish. I think that if they understood how much this was affecting me, they might realise what they're doing and stop, but explaining myself hasn't made them get it. I know they are not trying to be antisemitic but I feel so alienated and lonely. I was prepared to accept that my friends might not be the right people to talk to about faith, but now they won't talk to me about anything without making it awkward.
I truly do believe my soul is Jewish and that this is a journey I need to take. And if that means I lose friends for being religious then so be it. But it really fucking sucks and I don't know how to deal with it. Other people really think they have the clearest perception of religion because they're not part of one and nothing I do or say can unconvince them that my judgement is clouded by faith. I don't want to lose them. I just don't know how to make them understand what I am feeling, or if I should even bother to try. Is this a common experience, do you think?
Shabbat shalom!
I hear you, and I cannot imagine how frustrating and upsetting this situation must be for you.
I was willing to give your friends the benefit of the doubt at first, but the more I’ve thought about it and the more I’ve reread this message, the more upset I’ve gotten on your behalf.
The fact of the matter seems to me that they’re claiming to be supportive of Jews but when presented with actually future Jewishness they are not being supportive and are actually being pretty terrible.
Additionally, they aren’t being supportive of you as a person. Your choice isn’t going to impact their lives at all besides maybe needed to move a brunch date and yet they’re still alienating you. I don’t fully know the situation, of course, and it’s your choice, but from what you’ve said they don’t sound like people who have your best interests in mind and don’t seem like great friends.
Unfortunately, this isn’t an entirely uncommon situation (especially in queer spaces in my experience but that story is a tad off topic). I know I lost some friends during my conversion and it damaged my relationship with some people as well.
Ultimately I see it this way: for reasons of physical safety and mental health, if someone has an issue with me because of my religion then I don’t want to be around them.
I hope you’re able to find some supportive friends. Maybe try seeing if there’s a queer community group at your synagogue! Or start one!
I truly wish you good luck with this situation. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Congratulations on starting your conversion journey 💙
