Masonic Temple by Blick Calle Via Flickr: 1 North Broad Street Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
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Masonic Temple by Blick Calle Via Flickr: 1 North Broad Street Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
One day, Viserys will ask Mother why she stops smiling when Father’s Mustang screeches into the driveway. But not yet. He never remembers. It’s always too exciting when Father comes home for him to remember.
When Father comes home everyone does the same thing every time, like the ballets Mother watches on TV. Mother turns off the radio and looks in the hallway mirror with a serious face, smoothing her hair and unbuttoning her sweater a little. Once Viserys asked if his hair needed smoothing too, but Mother said that Father liked him just as he was. Viserys loves knowing he is Father’s favorite.
After this Father comes in the door and Viserys looks at his face to see if the purple eyes look angry or happy. Viserys was the stupidest kid when he was younger. He’d run up to Father and grab his leg even when Father was in a bad mood. But now Viserys knows much better.
Usually they are happy now, and Viserys runs to him. Sometimes Father will pick him up, though Viserys is getting too heavy and so his legs swing and dangle in the air.
“Look at this big, big dragon,” Father always says as he sits down on one of the black leather couches, balancing Viserys on his knee. “Soon we won’t be able to fit him in here anymore. We’ll have to build a castle to put him in. Isn’t that right, Rhaella?”
It’s funny, because Mother’s name is so pretty Viserys named three of his stuffed animals after her when he was younger. But Father makes it sound different. Maybe not ugly. Just different, somehow. It’s the only part of this time that Viserys doesn’t like. He doesn’t want to hear it.
“Rhaella?”
“Yes, of course,” Mother says always, sitting next to them on the couch. “We’ll need a whole castle just for our grown-up dragon.”
Empty World
Empty World Sometimes what I want is an empty world I wake up early I stay up late the world is larger while the rest of you sleep I can drive my car faster there are no lines at the 24 hour stores I can distinguish noises without the buzz of the world I own everything I see with no one to contradict me If the Rapture comes takes everyone but me leaves the world quiet and still I will miss everyone go out of my mind with lonely but for five minutes I will be thrilled
Intro to Western Religion, Tuesday 10 AM // Your Floor, Friday 2 AM
In what sense is a human inferior to an angel? The brittle bones, the existence of the question mark, death & love.
Angels exist as extensions while we live in a semblance of separation: eyes shut against the dark, tongues swollen with unborn action.
Who are you becoming when you forget yourself? Angels have no word for “becoming.” They just are. We exist in the gap-toothed smile of divinity, threading floss between black/white. I never thought I’d take up dentistry.
Last night I lost an hour of my life. To what degree are we responsible for others? The dead still talk, their absent presence like hangers clanging in the coat closet after the door is shut.
My shoulder blades are uneven & unfeathered, the skin prickled with scar tissue. The past sticks like glue to elementary school fingers. Nothing is ever separate. We are singing alleluias to the dingy dorm lights and praying for absolution.
I don’t think angels ever learn to pray. They lack that desperation. Belief is not a necessity for the divine.
We exist as actions. We are sitting on the floor in the dark when I tell you I didn’t want this I didn’t do anything One of these things is a lie.
In what sense is a human superior to an angel? The brittle bones, the existence of the question mark, death & love.
Lessons
I am learning to love each uneven sidewalk slab as I carve a place for myself in the flesh of these early autumn nights.
Our bodies are feather-strewn, strung up by our chicken-coop hearts. Egg yolk sticks to my boots like sin.
I laughed at the drunk man who tried to kick down bed & breakfast door even though I have been rattling between locked doors for years.
I am done pretending to be impermeable.
I string my words out like Christmas lights. The carousel of the ceiling spins as I fall asleep on your shoulder.
Every dead leaf is a love letter & this night feels like stolen goods.
happy happy happy
What do I want? To be holy; to be whole. To turn the slick film of these nights solid with now. I collect tokens like a child or a serial killer, needing the heft of realness in my palm. Ticket stub, pebble, bottle cap, thread bracelet thinning like a promise.
I wear happiness like an ill-fitting coat and tie my breath in knots and wait. You said “I am waiting for the day when things stop happening to me and start happening because of me.” The question becomes whether life is just another word for waiting.
It’s late and I’ve told too many people I love them, but I meant it each time and I think I’ll mean it in the morning. Mistakes cling to me like static. The scraped skin on my hand pulses with the promise of a bruise The moon is a smear of toothpaste against the black and the November cold sinks like a stone in my stomach. I am happy I am happy I am happy. I tell the beer can littered lawn, the empty picnic table, the shadow-doused mountains.
I write it on my hands and scrub it off in the shower. In a hotel in Albany, I say it in my sleep: I am so happy, letting it fall into the softness of laundered sheets and miniature shampoo. My dad tells me later, laughing.
I guard the fact of my happiness— sleep curled around it like a comma. I go through our pictures, studying our laugh lines like flashcards, leaving a trail in case I ever need to find my way back.
More than anything, I want to believe.
I said "why run if you just come to a locked door" in a literal meaning but then I realized how deep it sounded
[Insert comedic genius here]