#cosmiccrambles

[cosmiccripple]

got a new joystick for my powerchair and i am Very excited for it. the standard ends up cramping my hands and i don't have the grip on it to move efficiently. thank the gods for etsy 🙏🙏

[cosmiccripple]

people are.. strange. in the comment section of a mutual's video, there was a woman saying that she has the same disabilities and she still works and is in education. she ended the comment with "i don't want to hear it"... so naturally i tell her that her experience isn't the universal experience, and she shoots back saying that i'm invalidating her disabilities. what.

hey, random disclaimer, someone saying that people aren't all having the exact same experience as you with their disabilities, is not invalidating yours.

it's also not invalidating to say that if you are ABLE to do the things that other people can't with the same disabilities, you are.. maybe... just potentially.. less affected by the disability.

[cosmiccripple]

we're on day three of NJ feeds, and almost day 32 of hospitalisation. apart from the fear of the tube flipping, everything (nutrition related) has been amazing! we're currently at 40mls/hr, goal rate is 80, and i'm tolerating it really well.

i went into placement scared but excited, after a week with an NG that i couldn't tolerate even dioralyte at 10mls/hr. had it endoscopically placed with sedation so i remember fuck all from the placement itself, i can't even feel it in the back of my throat like i could with the NG.

my stomach hasn't hurt! i'm getting nutrition, and it doesn't hurt! this is unbelievable, and i love it! i really hope i'll be discharged with the NJ because, oh my gods, this is fantastic.

i say that, but am also neglecting to mention the extreme nausea episode i had earlier (i assume i had a little too much orange juice for my stomach's liking and it decided a revolt was necessary) and i was so exhausted from the nausea that after the odansetron kicked in, i immediately fell asleep for three hours. that wasn't fun. but! it was a single episode, not an all-day, every day thing, so i will GLADLY take it.

the ME is reaalllly not liking hospitalisation, like i know for sure i'm in rolling PEM and probably in for the worst crash i have EVER been in as soon as i am home, which i am terrified for, but i don't even know how long i'll be able to rest because we are potentially moving house to a (hopefully) more accessible flat.

oh, and i have two more diagnoses than i did this time last month, lol.

[cosmiccripple]

CELEB TRAITORS FINALE JUST PLAYED CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON THE DAY AFTER DESTIEL ANNIVERSARY I AM HHWEHEAHAHAU

[cosmiccripple]

i think it's bizarre that people do not understand how class division/classism works within the england, and the uk as a whole.

the popularity of far-right and right-wing parties is fueled by the class division and billionaires claiming they work for the working people. the resurgence of racism, xenophobia, transphobia, homophobia, ableism etc. is also to do with classism. punching down because the government doesn't care about ANY of us and the ultra-rich use that to turn attention away from them: it's class division.

south london boroughs (think croydon, sutton) are considered 'shitholes' because they're full of the disadvantaged working class, where the crime rates are higher, the houses are cheaper, the council tax is higher because the problems that the working class face aren't solved by shelving it and avoiding the area, they're solved by investing time and energy into the problems in our communities (like kids being groomed into gangs because they don't have anyone to help them out of it, security chasing loiterers—kids!— out of shopping centres because all the youth centres have been underfunded for years). this happens all across the country, in major cities that get treated as dangerous shitholes because they are inhabited by the disadvantaged.

and not only that

our accents are so fucking intertwined with class, not only do they locate you on the island but they also tell others what class you are from. we see people switching between their normal accent and a more 'refined' posh accent because they get treated differently depending on which they use. i have about three different accents i use, my normal, slightly more refined, and then the toned down RP. all of which i will use in different situations and i have done so since i was very little. growing up on a council estate taught me that people treat you like shite on the bottom of their shoes if they even perceive you as council estate trash, but if you can mask that and sound less working class, they actually look at you with more respect. people on the streets, in schools, in the workplace, all fall into this trap. this class division is fucking everywhere.

when USamericans (in specific because i see this a lot) make fun of 'british accents', which are usually ones associated with the working class, they do so without the knowledge of how that exact thing has shaped our country. classism is rampant everywhere, but people tend to underestimate the amount that it has affected how our country works to this day.

[cosmiccripple]

hey so i think i might have moral ocd. this sounds stupid but like if i don't am i just sterotyping and making it worse for people who actually have ocd. but also writing this feels performative like i'm pretending and actually aren't experiencing it.

i asked someone close to me who has ocd and they said it is just social media and probably because i'm autistic so autistic people are more likely to have traits but actual ocd is different and less common. so am i just like pretending and then therefore being ableist towards people with ocd?

idk. i'm probably going to spend days thinking about this i feel stuck.

[cosmiccripple]

me: i'm really really struggling to eat, it makes me feel very nauseated, exhausted, i feel full after one bite, and i'm dealing with some pretty bad acid reflux after eating. i'm also struggling with water intake, i cannot consistently drink enough to not be dehydrated for longer than 2 days. it also makes me feel EAUGH.

my specialists: well... we're gonna up your nausea meds that need you to eat before you can take them, start you on a beta-blocker for POTS, and you need to drink at least 3L per day and eat more or we're putting in a nasogastric tube. Okay Cool. bye ig see you in six weeks

(i have been dehydrated every single time i see them since october and every time i tell them i REALLY FUCKING STRUGGLE to drink water because of how it makes me feel and the fact it takes so much of the little energy i have. i want to scream)

[cosmiccripple]

do i think it's overdramatic that sitting up makes me nauseated and triggers PEM? no of course not that's a totally understandable reaction to being upright rather than flat for once.

... yes. it's completely overdramatic and bizarre and i don't even have the energy to lay down which is so unbelievable