Jul 29, 2021
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Current status: lying in my bed staring at the ceiling, haven’t slept at all in four (4) nights, having a crisis because I haven’t worn lipstick or even lipgloss since March 2020
I saw this on my unis love letter page the other day and I'm still laughing
That awkward moment when all your masks are in the laundry and you’ve ordered a pizza.
SCARF TO THE RESCUE
I would give anything for restuarants to open again and go on a real date with you. Drink white wine. Listen to music from the open cafees while we hold hands down the streets at night 💕🌙🌌
A coworker of mine is leaving her job. She wants to have a going-away gathering with a bunch of our coworkers on the weekend. Restaurants are open for business in my province, with social distancing, mask and sanitation mandates in place...but I'm still on the fence about going. I haven't been to a restaurant in over a year and feel like I've been hibernating. I'm not quite sure that I feel comfortable in this strange upside-down world yet. Other than work, and the odd grocery store visit, I've been hunkered down at home since last March. I want to send her off, but I also feel weird about going out... Something that felt so normal before feels so foreign now...
something about me:
I was too little (7 years old) when i was sent to a boarding school. To be honest, it was amazing to be living with so many kids of my age and above. my school had a beautiful campus and the best teachers. That became my home, where is discovered myself, my personality, what i wanted to become when i grow old and everything. I could say that more than my parents, my teachers have groomed me. After my 12th class, i passed out of school while surprisingly topping my batch in board exams. Being an average student throughout this was a shock to many and surprise to all, including my teachers! well, this was a turning point in my life, i set new standards at home, for being the best child. My siblings and cousins were made to look upon me. I never planned at that moment what i wanted to do when i grow up, after discussions at home, we apparently randomly planned on to aim for Civil Services (bureaucracy) and i was full of zeal to achieve this dream of me and my family. The luck had been in my favor and i got admissions in yet again one of the best colleges of Delhi University- Miranda House (a women’s college btw). this was the 2nd turning point in my life. Little girl according to my family and the first person stepping out of home city to study at a higher level, that too in Delhi around 900 kms far away! I was happy for this new phase in my life. like i said the luck had been in my favor, i met people, i never realised would become so important to me. They became my best friends. within few months of being in Delhi, i met the love of my life. I never realised my potential to give love or let’s call it fall for love until i met him. I don’t know what i saw in him, i still don’t know, but this man became so important to me that Delhi became about him. I thought i was okay, until he kissed me, touched me, made love to me. before this, i only felt love, now i knew what it tasted like, how it smelled. I was subsumed with this emotion. Slowly this feeling just grew. He spoilt me with his kisses and made me want more. I dont know how i always ended up wanting things in this relationship be it time/love/attention. Well this is a different story. I grew so much as a person, i became so independent, i was happy and thriving. I had a feminist awakening, i could understand all the goods and the evils of society and had so much aspirations for a better world/future. I got wings and they gave birth to who i am today. The luckiest girl, i’d call myself. The best parents, sacrificing so much for my education, the best school, college, friends and love! But unfortunately i forgot where i belonged from. The 13 years of living outside made me forget my family background and the orthodox and patriarchal setting of our family. Yes no compromise in education, but still, a girl will not a tell man what is right. The father will never accept when he is wrong. The girl shall behave, dress proper, sit proper, say polite, adjust, and accept that she belongs to the lower status category, what they call “aurat jaat” in Hindi. Living outside blinded me with this reality and the world which i was living in became surreal to me, just like a fantasy world that every little girl not as lucky as me would dream of while being captive in their own houses. This i realized when i came back to my home suddenly due to COVID lockdown and its been 8th months since then. So after complete 13 years, i’ve been home for the first time for this long. THE MAJOR TURNING POINT IN MY LIFE UPTILL NOW. All my myths shattered, all my wings chopped off, all my dreams for the better brighter world being shut down, here i am writing all this down because i don't have a voice left to say anything. its my my body which is arrested, my family has arrested my mind and my soul to roam free. HEIGHTS OF PATRIARCHY is what i saw, something i only read in text books in my bachelors and newspapers. My father heard me talking to my boyfriend some things he shouldn’t have and there came a literal storm in my house, with my father threatening me that he will get me married as soon as possible, won’t let me study further, because according to him apparently this is what i have been doing all these years in Delhi. He threatened me by saying he would die before i do anything like falling in love. Only i knew, how much sacrifices i had made to achieve what i have today, how hard i have worked to study just to make them happy and proud of their daughter! How easy was it for them, to pass this off while saying these lines. Now im scared to call him, or any of my friends because i don't want them assuming im doing something “wrong”. I have to go to Delhi to get my stuff that i left there in my apartment, and they won’t let me go alone. They want to send my mother along to keep an eye on me, so that i dont hangout with my boyfriend. With this, i feel disgusted with myself and my parents. I feel the unluckiest to be born in this family. I never felt i would disrespect and hate them so much. All these years i tried to be the best... and for what? i did everything as they liked, to make them happy... but for what? For being trapped in their fully furnished little princess castle that they claim to be complete with all demands that may arise for a person, trapped in beautiful clothes and they’ve brought me so i feel beautiful just to only look in the mirror. I have the books that broaden my vision and the door remains shut. They think they are perfect parents, who have given my everything a girl needs, but unfortunately, they didn't give me “freedom” which was apparently most necessary. My parents would call other parents (who let their children be free)- “rich and spoilt”, they would abuse men of my age and called them “selfish” to make us stay away from men. THEY PASS IT OFF CALLING IT “CARE”, THEY DONT REALISE IT IS THEIR “INSECURITY”. THEY PASS IT OFF CALLING THIS MY “HOME”, FOR ME ITS A “CAGE”. -TalesOfTogetherness
-A
Traffic Lights
My life these days has been a series of yellow lights. I move more cautiously than ever. More so lately I feel my hopes inch closer to red, as the green lights I once knew seem a distant memory. With so many around me still seeing that welcoming emerald glow, I begrudgingly wave as they all pass me by. Even my heart has become more stop than yield, as I find it harder to stay on the road at all. I should just fly through the yellows or simply run through the reds to keep continuing on. But now that I’m more cautious, I find that’s easier said than done. ~ AB