i think bc of how i grew up and what i learned in conservatory settings, i conflate discipline (as in creative, etc.) with punishment, rules, and expectations of perfection. and it makes it hard for me to be disciplined with any of my practices bc my body reacts to it as something i HAVE to do , and if i don't it means i'm not good enough, etc. i've had periods of time where i've been disciplined in practicing yoga, singing, going for walks, and journaling. and it felt good when i was relating to those things healthily, rather than resenting that i *have* to do *something.* but now that my mom is terminally ill, it's like my inner teen wants to go into full rebellion mode. i'm taking up space and time that could be used for creativity and movement and supplementing it with drinking too much coffee and smoking too much weed. and i'm also trying to practice radical acceptance about that bc im going through so much and grieving so many things !!! maybe the "lesson" in this is that life is simply messy and it's okay to be messy sometimes. which i'm very uncomfortable with!!!!!!!
