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CUSTOMERS FROM HELL
Episode 1
is a queer, community-based comedy series dedicated to creating absurdist catharsis for customer service workers. Imagine another day at work, only this time, customers emerge from a flaming portal, intent on torturing you. Each episode reenacts true interactions between customers and workers, following submissions from friends and community members who shared stories that stood out for their bizarre hilarity.
Now on YouTube, stay tuned for more!
What is it about the day before a national holiday that makes people think:
"I will behave batshit insane at the shops today." 😌🙏
MLB Animalverse: Bakery’s Typical Chaos
Customer Not Always Right
Odd Customers 1
Marinette: Janice? Is everything okay? You look really tired.
Janice: Ah, young lady. There was a customer earlier and they asked if the sourdough bread has any dairy.
Marinette: …But that was sourdough bread. They don’t even use dairy.
Janice: I know. I tried to explain that to them but they ain’t listening to me.
Marinette: And? What happened next?
Janice: Of course, I ended up telling them no and they then asked if that bread has any nuts as well.
Marinette: …which bread was she talking about?
Janice: The traditional bread.
Marinette: …
Janice: I know, I told them that it doesn’t contain any nuts either. But that was not the end of it. They then asked if that bread has any eggs inside.
Marinette: Oh mon dieu…
Janice: Right? And once again, I told her no. She seems to be satisfied with that answer. And then, she asked if the macarons have any dairy.
Marinette: *in a deadpan tone* until she was talking about the fillings, most macarons are made from egg white, ground almonds, and powdered sugar.
Janice: Apparently this customer didn’t know that. She kept repeating these questions with each pastries and breads until she finally buy something from the bakery.
Marinette: What did she bought?
Janice: She ordered a single butter croissant.
Marinette: …Okaaay…
Janice: Some animals can be so strange.
Impatient Service
Joey: Welcome to Tom & Sabine’s Bakery! What can I do for you?
Customer 1: Do you have any croissants?
Joey: We do serve croissants here. Do you want to order one or several?
Customer 1: Do you have ones with raisins?
Joey: You mean, Pain aux raisins? Yes, we do have those.
Customer 1: Then I would like order five.
Customer 2: *grumble*
Joey: Right away, sir. *he leans over to the pastry display counter*
Customer 1: Oh, please don’t call me sir. I don’t use those pronouns.
Joey: I see, my apologies.
Customer 2: Oh you got to kidding me.
Customer 1: If you still want to be polite, you can just call me Doc since I’m a doctor.
Joey: Understood, Doc.
Customer 1: *chuckle*
Customer 2: Just get on with it already. I want my croissants.
Joey: Have patience, madam.
*Joey finished putting the last Pain aux raisin in a goodie bag*
Joey: *he then leans back up and hands the goodie bag to Customer 1* Here’s your bag. That would be €47.50.
Customer 1: *pull out their wallet* Hold on, let me…
Customer 2: Hurry uppppp!
Joey: Madam. Please be patient.
Customer 2: Not my fault that this man is slow like a turtle he is!
Joey: …One, this doctor clearly uses they/them. *Joey glances at the doctor who nods their head* Two, this doctor is a tortoise, not a turtle.
Customer 1: It’s true. Anyhow, here you go.
*Customer 1 hands Joey few euro bills*
Customer 1: Keep the charges. *they then sidestepped to the right and turn to leave*
Customer 2: Finally.
Joey: Welcome to Tom & Sabine’s Bakery! What can I do for you?
Customer 2: Hold on, give me a minute to see what you’re having.
Joey: A-
Wrong Answer Only
Rude Customer: Excuse me, Jaguar. I have a question.
Mojo: I am willing to answer your question but, why did you call me a jaguar?
Rude Customer: …Because you’re a jaguar?
Mojo: …I’m a leopard. We’re not even that similar.
Rude Customer: You’re sure about that?
Mojo: 100 percent sure.
Rude Customer: Aren’t you from the same place?
Mojo: …Where do you think I come from?
Rude Customer: America, duh!
Mojo: …I went through the culinary school for this.
Who’s the Boss?
Barry: I’m telling you before and I’m telling you again; we do not serve alcoholic pastries 24/7. These are only for holidays and holidays only.
Karen customer: How dare you! Where’s your manager?!
*A small cheetah poked her head out from the kitchen*
Judy: Someone ask for me, da?
Karen customer: Wha- I asked for the manager!
Barry: This is the manager.
Judy: Is there problem, madam?
Karen Customer: We-well, I’m asking your employee here if the bakery is selling the alcoholic pastries I had heard about. He told me no.
Judy: Da, we have them. But these are only for holiday.
Karen Customer: WHAT?!
*The Karen customer shrieked loudly, causing Jusy flinching from the loud noises*
Barry: Hey, don’t shout like that. You’re upsetting Judy here.
Karen Customer: This is unacceptable! I WANT TO SPEAK THE OWNER OF THIS DAMNED BAKERY!
*Judy immediately covered her ears from the loud noise*
Judy: Pleeze, stop…
*Sudden, Tom immediately show up from the kitchen, brandishing a long roller*
Tom: What’s going on here?! I heard shouting from the kitchen!
*Karen Customer’s eyes widened at the sight of a giant Spotted Lady Beetle*
Karen Customer: O-oh, nevermind!
*she then runs out of the bakery*
Tom: What was that about? Judy, are you okay? *Tom lowered the roller*
Judy: *whimpers like a wounded animal but she nods at Tom*
Barry: Yes, everything is okay. The customer was just being rude to me and Judy.
Tom: Oh, okay… Glad to know everyone is doing alright! Judy, if everything is too much for you, you can always stay in the break room to destress yourself.
Judy: *nods her gratitude at the gentle giant spotted beetle*
Dear customer who’s old enough to be my own father.....
Customer: can I get 100 of the white elephant?
Me: we don’t have the elephant but I do have x y and z!
Customer: *points at a jar with a red label that says elephant as if she’s the smartest bitch to ever grace the inside of this smokeshop* yes you do.
Me, confused: I thought you wanted the white?
Customer: yeah then what is that?
Me, staring at the red label, and the other color coded labels: …red
Customer: then where’s the white?
Me: …the ones with the white label.
Customer: so you don’t have any white elephant?
Me: …….sorry I have to go smoke an entire joint before I can continue this conversation
customers who show up drunk and keep saying “you’re so nice to tolerate me.”
I assure you I’m not. I’m just waiting for my shift to end so I can call my bestie and rant about how awful this one idiot customer was.
if you are rude to and look down on retail and food service workers, your punishment in Hell will be to work retail and food service
when you die you’ll be given a blue polo or a red teeshirt and told to hop onto a register—the line that awaits you stretches down the check lane and curves around the corner and out of sight.
you have $10 in singles, $15 in fives, a single $10, $400 in twenties, and six each of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters. every customer either has an overflowing cart despite it being a 10 or less lane, or they’re buying a single $2 pack of gum and paying with a $100 bill. they all try to use an expired coupon and scream at you if you tell them you can’t accept it.
they all leave their carts at the end of the lane instead of taking them to the cart corral. they all let their kids sneeze, cough, and lick every surface of the register. they all stuff their unwanted items into the magazine rack or leave them on top of the drink cooler, even though you’re right there and they could just hand it to you.
you’ve checked out hundreds of people and you’re not even an hour into your shift. every single time you look at the clock for the rest of eternity, there’s still an hour and a half left till your 15 minute break.
had a rude ass lady who got even ruder when we didn't have the thing she wanted, she bought like 15 cigars and i took them out and put them in a bag cuz we usually try and keep boxes if we don't have any more of that product, she got a fucking attitude and went "yeah i don't need a bag, i wanted the box it came in. obviously that's why i bought 15 of them" and then almost immediately after her a woman just?? came up to the register and cut off the guy that was next? the lord is fucking testing me today
