#dancerattherooftop

[the-imperfect-manifesto]

On Mortality & Acceptance

Today I said good-bye to my husband at the door. Part of me knew well that I would see him merely in hours... But part of me - the one that's stricken by my traumas - whispered that it'd be another lifetime, until I met his soul again... Found him - someplace else - in the features of a stranger… With the eyes of someone else. He held my hands and touched me with an icy can. I played with his beard… He held me and I stared into his eyes… I could feel it all, of course, but somewhat muted, somehow… When I stepped into the hall… It wouldn't have surprised me if reality unraveled and I found myself again… Wandering the Labyrinth. The afterlife. If the heart attack is true next time, and I never make it home again. This is a delusion, I know… Woven by my de-realization syndrome: nothing but my trauma, telling me that nothing now is real… "Or it could be the truth beyond the illusion. The whispers of the Reaper… Telling me that I am dead - or that I will be, I...I don't know. This life is only a dream. My… My final dream..." You know? That, at least, is true, dear traumas. On that we can agree: One way or another... This life is truly a dream... A one-way ride through utter wonders, and it's the only and the last. I could stay at home, as you would have me. I would feel so safe - safe with my beloved... But I would miss the day - and what a tragic loss that'd be~ To live is to die, dear friend. Every breath we draw is rusting us, every heartbeat frictions and erodes the tissues of our hearts. So what to do? If we but hold our breath to not erode our lungs we'd die, if we don't have a heartbeat to preserve it, we'd be done for. So how does it make sense to just stop living, in order to live on? My chest… I don't know what's wrong with it when I can't breathe, when my arm and neck start hurting when my chest burns on, when my heartbeat races and my hands start getting sweaty and every nerve within my body screams that we are dying… But the doctors say it's nothing they can measure, that it's not my health and they can't help me, and if they can't stop this… Then I can't let these episodes affect me. I can't live in fear of death because it's always by my side - my shadow's shadow - and I must simply be more graceful in accepting this is so. Death… Owner of my body - of every cell I'll ever be… I surrender. Whenever you may come you will and… No. Not now. I'm Minna and I will - never - yield! I will fight you tooth and nail, and when you drag me back to hell it won't be easy! When the gunshot rang I stood awake and conscious for an hour - I only closed my eyes when the doctors put me under! When they kidnapped me I made it out and when my family was broken by the bottle I grew up! ...All the crimes and mischief I've committed, all the Parkour and the stunts, all the dangerous situations that I've wandered into - willingly… I'm tougher than I look, death, you know that all too well. And you should be the one that is afraid. I'm rocking out this weekend, death~ I will dance the night away and strain my heart until I'm breathless. Will you come dance with me?

-S

[minnalaushee]

Chapter XIII: He Doesn't Ever End

In which the Dancer realizes that no matter where the highway takes her, she can never truly escape the phantom of the Boy... For their love was so intense, and so insane, that it was better than anything reality can offer... How do you cope with a mundane reality after a love taught you that magic can exist?

He doesn't ever end ||: He's a song, carved upon my memory Looping like a stricken vinyl as the highway blurs away And again As I'm driving on my way Back to nowhere He’s these lyrics that I couldn't understand And no matter how I try They can never be replicated Rhythms that my inner voice keeps screaming So loudly that my mind's still stunned and reeling And I'm weeping... For that song was madly alive It convinced me, if for a moment That there was magic in this life That there was fate, and rhyme, and meaning And that a star afar would hear our cries... That should I give my life to reach them, dreams can never truly die So I sigh He doesn't ever end :|| -S For M.

[minnalaushee]

Chapter XXI: Everlasting, part II

In which the Dancer reflects on her life, and finds out that all her struggles have made her different... Unique. That they have made her strong - stronger than anyone left untested by such fire... And that she treasures her experiences, painful as they were, above all else. They make her... Her.

A youthful everlasting smile The brightest flame was born from ashes For with her essence she is one Unique among the quiet masses Stories left upon her body Scents forever in her mind! All those years of wayward longing... Left her many artful scars A soulful everlasting cry! She's dancing where the storm grows ever louder! For she has learnt in all her strife That life won't bend, so she can't either~ -S

[minnalaushee]

Chapter XVII: Strangers In The Rain

In which the Dancer, now a loveless beggar roaming nowhere, makes a stand. She turns to the Boy, who had become an adamant stranger giving her small alms of love, and asks if this is all that's left. She dares him to say that they are truly over.

So this is it? What we’ve become, then? Is this in truth all that remains? Of me a loveless beggar roaming nowhere- without a purpose but still searching through the rain And you a faceless stranger... Giving only when you feel compelled The insipid phantom of a sentiment?

Let tortured heavens bleed And tell our tragic myth In shallow pools reflecting Our two lone figures in the mist

We carry on still craving Through all these grudged thoughts, all our buried faults- screaming, in unison Still we waste away pretending- that our story met its ending- and just star in mismatched tales! The scripts to perfect moments are now burning Lover, relish in their flame! I DEFY THE CHANCE TONIGHT! As even if in only a second- There is something in your eyes! Infuriated and wild That longs for all we used to have So face me and tell me that I lie I dare you, tell me that it's over -S

For M.

[minnalaushee]

Chapter XVIII: You...

In which the Girl says thank you to the Boy - now a man by every right - and corresponds his love once last. The Boy, to this bright day, still says it isn't over - that it'll never be quite over, even if there's never a part two. The two of them keep tabs on one another, but know that life has now moved on. They watch each other grow, like they always have since they were kids... And like they always will. Forevermore.

You are the sunbathed pictures... My primordial dream The steps that walked beside me The breeze that brought me here A quiet, constant longing sings forever in my genes The "yes" we left unclear The scar that never heals

You are the reason that was left behind Yet I'm still here and I have thrived- the wayward girl a woman now I changed my soul, my body and mind just to give you a waking smile- and now I can't... Still I'll spread the Light you sparked!

...So thank you for believing And thank you for the ride I know that you're in me now I'm yours and you are mine Forever, love, forever Forever... You and I -S

For M. Forever.

[minnalaushee]

Chapter XIX: Just Outside The Halo

In which the Dancer at the Rooftop finally reconnects with music. With the shadow of love lost behind her, the dance floors she no longer felt now boom with brand-new life.

Break it down! For I only feel the music ||: And the assault of its pulsations Leaves me breathless in the dark Dancing, selfless in the crowd That tears the dance floor all around me So alive… Restless once again I will wander through the alleys This idle life through daylight hours leaves me a creature of the night And those white sounds of naked bulbs in my apartment Are screaming echoes that I never learnt to stand So here we are A myriad hours from the sunrise Here we are - we're freezing but that means we're still alive Yes here we are... Uniquely beautified by scars Beneath the rain, just outside the halo I'm snared in place a single step from finding respite there inside A single breath away - and giving in would fix my life! I'm just outside this nightclub's window, craving sound...

So break it down! I only feel the music... :|| -S

[minnalaushee]

Chapter VII: Everlasting

In which the Dancer admits she has to move on, without the Boy she thought she'd share her life with always... But she can also see that the echoes of their love will live within her. Always. A faint but everlasting smile The brightest flame has left these ashes A hope that you’ll return at last A life to forge again regardless

Handprints left upon this body Scents remaining in my mind! All those years of dreaming... Longing Gone like footprints on the sand

A mute but everlasting cry! Still you’re the one my dreams inhabits And will I make it through this night? The dark seems endless... I grow tired

Facing down this storm that we once challenged Standing now alone, but I will not give up This life refused to be what we desired But I will, somehow, carry on

-S

For M.

[minnalaushee]

Chapter XVI: Heartbroken Melophile

In which the Dancer breaks down, having lost her mind entirely to a single heartfelt song. Yes, it was she that ended their relationship, unable to handle the distance anymore... But now she reverts to the child the Boy once met, and crying as such, she begs the Boy to help her go back to the country she found love, so they can once more be together.

Take me home It's easy, love, let go Get lost to heartfelt music Like I a life ago These lyrics say "forever" So ever I'll hold on To your promise of return Singing senseless lyrics Knowing well you’re gone -S For M.