I know you’re probably never going to see this post. You probably get thousands of notes and @s a day so it would make since if you never saw this and I’ll be okay if you don’t see it… I just need to get all of this off of my chest. So, I’m not trying to have a pity party or anything. I just want to clear everything, ya know? I just want to tell someone who doesn’t know me personally… and like I said you’re probably never going to see this so that helps, honestly.
I’ve been watching your videos for around three or four years, starting back in 2013/14. Around that time I had never watched any other Youtuber before, thinking that all of you were dumb and wondering why anyone would waste their time watching your videos.
But then I discovered you.
You were so vibrant and funny and energetic and I just couldn’t help but watch as many of your videos as I could that day. At the time I was beginning to struggle with depression and anxiety and didn’t know how to handle the mass feelings of self-doubt and hatred and sadness I was feeling. I didn’t know how to deal with the thoughts of suicide and self harm. I could almost never smile at or laugh genuinely at anything throughout the day. But then your videos… least to say you screaming into a microphone while being scared out of your mind made me laugh.
I subscribed to you shortly finding your videos because you were just so funny, different from the other Youtubers I’d seen before. There was just something so charming about you that I loved.
Skip ahead one year and my depression and suicide thoughts were not getting any better. No one I knew knew how I felt because I couldn’t talk to anyone about them, feeling as no one would understand, ya know? The only person I felt who understood me was you.
Every time you uploaded a video I just ran to it, needing the comfort you somehow gave to me through the screen. And when you told me I was worth it and shouldn’t give up on life, I believed you. Struggled at fist, of course. And I still do. I have the thoughts of: “why should I be alive?”. But then I click on one of your videos and you chase away all of the self doubt and hatred. As long as I’m watching one of your videos, all of my fears and problems are rushed away. It’s as though I have no care in the world except for what you’re dealing with in the game you are currently playing.
Presently, I am still in school and having a troublesome time. I may be on anti-depressants now and they do help, until I don’t take one on a day. I hate relying on pills. I’m so dependent on them to be stable through the day. If I miss a day I’m completely screwed up, I can’t function. I get panicky and anxious and can’t calm down and every little thing can send me into a panic attack. But you want to know what I fall back on on those days?
When I’m falling into the process of a panic attack I pull up one of your videos, listen to your voice. Just hearing you helps me focus on my breathing and calm me down. And if I can’t access the internet because school wifi sucks, I just try to think back to what you’ve told me in the past. That you believe in me. And that thought helps me draw in a deep breath and calm down. Because you believe in me and I can’t let you down.
I know it probably sounds weird and unbelievable that I depend on you because you don’t even know me. But I’m not lying for a second. I’m not stretching the truth in any way or form, either. This is just me rambling about how you’ve helped me through the years. So please ignore how badly its put together.
So, in summary, you have helped me through dark parts in my life, Mark. And you still are. You’ve saved me from myself on so many occasions and I just wanted to thank you… though I never will be able to thank you enough. You’ve saved my life countless times and I can’t put my gratitude into words.
I am going to start posting more of my own art and writing because you have inspired me to do so. Thank you so so much, Mark.
And like I said before, you may never see this.And that’s okay. It would be great if you did see this, of course, so that you could know how much you’ve helped me. But I understand if you don’t.
Sorry that I just rambled. I just had to say all of that.
I love you Mark. So much.