#david speaks

[unrealunknown]

I don't know what to do.

I'm a bit over 2 months on T and I'm scared.

I can't tell if I like the changes that have only barely started. I can't tell if I want to continue.

I can't understand my own experience. I can't figure it out. I like the sound of my voice but I still sound feminine, even if it's a deeper voice. I can't watch videos of myself anymore since I started T, but I feel like I can see my face in the mirror better? Like my eyes can focus on myself in the mirror more.

I can't tell which things about my face are from T and which are from being very overweight. Something about my browline looks a little different but I'm not sure if it's in my head or not.

I feel better the day I take my shot and the day after it seems? And worst the day before. Today is the day before.

I'm so confused and I need to know ASAP because I'm already losing the higher range of my voice and I won't be able to sing anymore. I'm so afraid I'm so afraid I will look like a monster and I know that's transphobic I know it is I know it's transphobic to say I'll look like a monster but I've looked like a monster my entire life already but what if testosterone makes it worse instead of better?

I'm sad I'm so sad because I don't know who to ask. I have no one who knows me well enough to help me through this because at the end of the day you just have to decide that shit for yourself and I lost the family that would have helped me determine how I truly felt.

I hate my body. I've always hated my body and I don't see that changing. But I'm scared of regretting a permanent change to my body. I'm scared because I don't know what I'll look like. I'm scared I will be more unlovable and I know all of these fears are transphobic in nature but I'm so fucking scared.

I don't think I'm a girl. But what if I like myself as a man in the body of one? What if I like myself better without any changes?

I'm afraid I'm unlovable and I'm afraid I'll be more so when it's more obvious that I am who I am.

I'm angry I feel so angry because I had so much excitement and joy about transitioning and all of it is gone now. The excitement only happens in brief spurts when I am actually injecting my dose or picking it up at the pharmacy.

I have no one to enjoy my transition with and I don't know how to make friends anymore. I don't know how to talk to anyone without feeling like a freak. I haven't felt comfortable with another human being in so long. I miss being around queer people and I don't know where to find them.

I'm so angry at myself. I wish I had queer friends to go through this with and it's my fault that I don't because I haven't spent enough time looking. I'm so tired. I'm so sad.

I don't know how to ask my trans doctor for help. I don't know what to say to her to ask. I don't know what my question is other than what if this is the wrong answer for me?

I wish I could access any excitement about my journey. I wish I could access any feeling other than fear. The only thing I can feel is fear. The only emotion I can register is fear. I can't access any other emotion about what should be the most exciting journey of my life.

I'm so angry at myself. I'm so frustrated. I can't feel excited about anything. I can't feel any joy or anything. I can't feel hopeful. I can't feel anything except fear.

I'm ruining the most beautiful journey of my life because I don't know how to feel anything except fear.

[sweettoothvn]

David your such a silly guy, deny it all you want but I know you want me

"It's actually you're"

[theinkedknight]

Sometimes I deny myself the validity of forget that nonbinary folks are under the transgender umbrella and thus I'm not invading trans spaces when I desire a t4t relationship where I don't have to explain any of this gender shit.

I have been told that I am invading spaces by both cis and trans folks before and it just poisons the mind

[hayleysmuses]

~Starter~

( @hardheadedbighearted, for Jaune)

“Oh, did you have to bring your knife?”

Isaac gave his brother a flat look. “You brought yours.”

“A pocketknife used for camping and other related activities is far different than a switchblade that I know you’ve used for...non-camping-related activities, Isaac!” David pointed out. “Besides, you know if his mother sees you with that, she’ll be a lot less inclined to let him spend the day with us.”

With an annoyed sigh, Isaac flipped the blade back into the knife and tucked it into his pocket. “Just making sure, you both know he’s not a little kid anymore, right? He’s not gonna...I don’t know, faint at the sight of a sharpened blade, or whatever.”

“I’m aware of that!” David said, expression falling for a moment. “Even if it’s so hard to imagine. It feels like only yesterday we were meeting that soft, little bundle of fur for the first time in the hospital!”

“Psh, yeah, how’d’you think my old ass is feeling over here?” Isaac asked, before he reached over to pull the other man into a headlock. “I remember when I was meeting this bundle of fur for the first time in the hospital!”

David laughed and pushed him back. “Hey, come on now, you’re barely older than I am!” 

“I still remember!”

With another laugh, David straightened himself out. “Well, regardless, we should probably stop chatting for now and actually get to the front door. Otherwise we won’t get to actually see the grown-up bundle of fur we both met in the hospital!”

“Eh, with all the kids in the house, they’re bound to have noticed we were here by this point,” Isaac pointed out in return. “And if they haven’t...well, what’s the rush?”

They came to a stop in front of the door, and Isaac leaned against the side of the house. “Not really in much of a mood to have Jaune’s folks chew our ear off about how little we visit the squirt anymore,” he said. “I mean, it’s not like we don’t have jobs or lives of our own or anything like that. Nah, we just refuse to visit simply because we hate him. That’s the logical conclusion, right?”

And now it was David’s turn to give his brother a flat look. “While I don’t disagree with you about not preferring to hear a lecture about how we could stand to visit our brother a little more, I can understand her point of view about us not setting aside enough time for our visits.”

“Yeah, well, unless you wanna spill the beans about my line of work, she’s gonna have to deal with it.”

David gave him another Look, before pressing his finger to the doorbell. “Be nice, please. It won’t be for long, and afterwards, we’ll get to spend all day with Jaune! Won’t that be fun?”

“I’ll be on my best behavior.”

[kacchansass]

trying to figure out the best way to share my spicy works from twitter and patreon here but i'm not really sure if i should crop them and share or test my fate with some really creative censoring

[stumacherbitchface]

one like and I'll post my new pusheen bowl + chopsticks

[daveycharris666]

My bestie @coldbloodedwomen

@siickangel

@magdaerikssons

@f1-outside-line

@telemarcs

Thank you ladies for being awesome af and being here for me this year. Love every single one of ya 🖤

[the-astra-system]

🐑 It's amusing watching Vixen pretend that she's normal. The following events just happened.

Music: *playing a song from a Disney playlist*

Coworker: I've never heard this song, what is it lol??

Vixen: *panicking and pretending she doesn't know* Um let me check uh from a show? "Once Upon a Time"? I guess that counts as Disney? Yeah.

🐑 This kid is out here pretending she doesn't know the show as if we don't have multiple fictives from it. She's trying 😂