Watts: (Enters) I came as soon as I could! Are you alright?
Jacques: Of course I'm not alright! I haven't been this shaken since our theater production of the Rusted Knight when I forgot my lines!
Watts: You played a rabbit, though. You had no lines.
Jacques: Exactly! I gave three monologues!
Watts: Ah, yes, I recall the standing ovation we received when James strangled you into silence.
Watts: More to the point, what happened here?
Jacques: My wife and I were having an argument. Somehow she found out about my affairs and threatened to divorce me! I went into a blind rage! I grabbed the scarf around her neck and...
Jacques: Well, I guess you could say that in tonight's performance, I was the one to strangle Juniper.
Watts: Adorable, Jacques. I can't wait to read the reviews for this domestic homicide.
Jacques: Wait! Did you hear that?
Watts: It sounds like hippo gargling mouthwash.
Jacques: She's still alive! Quickly! Help her up!
Watts: Of course!
Jacques: ARTHUR, NO! YOU STEPPED ON HER NECK!
Watts: I THOUGHT IT WAS A LUMP IN THE CARPET!
Jacques: YOU KILLED HER!
Watts: WELL YOU KILLED HER FIRST!
Jacques: What are we going to do?! We have to call the police!
Watts: Let's not be hasty, Jacques. Is there anyone else in the mansion right now?
Jacques: No, it's just us. We sent the servants home to allow ourselves some privacy. We've been trying to spice things up in the boudoir.
Watts: I see...
Jacques: In fact, for the first few minutes, she might not have been aware I was attacking her..
Watts: Jacques, I'm going to be sick... Can we please focus on the dead body?
Watts: Yes, it's supposed to be! It's perfectly believable that she'd hang herself with her own scarf. A fragile end to a fragile woman...
Jacques: They'll see right through it! We'd be better off just confessing!
Watts: Don't be a fool, Jacques! If this got out, it'd be the end of your company!
Jacques: Oh? Is this before or after you've thought of your radio show?
Watts: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jacques: And I have no idea why you thought this would be a good placement for my recently deceased wife! If she were any more left, she'd be wearing a White Fang mask!
Watts: Stay focused, Jacques! We need an alibi... James and Pietro already know you called me in a panic. We could say you were writing a play and needed help with the ending!
Jacques: I have always wanted to try my hand at a meaty five-act play~.
Watts: Of course, in order to sell our alibi, you'll need to write the whole thing tonight.
Jacques: ...You know, I hear one-act plays are trending right now.
Jacques: ...and the Rusted Knight's betrayal can begin just before the tea party!
Watts: Brilliant!
Jacques: You know, we really should see about getting this produced!
Watts: Yes, well, first we'll need to get away with murder first... (Enters office)
Jacques: ...
Watts: ...
Jacques: (Whispering) Arthur, did you invite a vagrant into your office?
Watts: (Whispering) Of course not!
Jacques: So he isn't a vagrant?
Watts: No, I didn't invite him! I'll contact security.
Winter: Ah, Dr. Watts... Father... I wanted to introduce you to a... old friend of mine, Qrow Branwen.
Qrow: Hey there, nice to meet ya. Dr. Watts, I heard what you were talking about earlier.
Watts: WHAT?
Qrow: Yeah, on the radio. Caught your show on the way in. Pretty neat stuff! Any chance I could get a tape for my husband? I think he'd get a real kick out of it, knowing that I met THE Dr. Arthur Watts!
Winter: Qrow, just got a call from Ironwood. He needs to speak with you.
Qrow: Ah, duty calls! Hope you don't mind us using your office, Dr. Watts.
Jacques: Arthur, I don't like being in the same room as a bumbling huntsman!
Watts: Don't be ridiculous! You're in the same room as your daughter and James on a near daily basis!
Qrow: Sorry, Ice Queen, but I gotta go. Jimmy needs me to look into a suicide.
Jacques: A- A suicide, you say? Is it a... recent suicide?
Qrow: Hard to say. Coulda been weeks ago, though that's just based on how PALE she looked.
Jacques: Dealing with the police has been just awful. That Branwen fellow kept asking questions! He even wanted to read my play!
Watts: Did you finish it?
Jacques: Of course not. I just pilfered the plot of the Grimm Brothers. Let's just hope he's unfamiliar.
Watts: Oh, speak of the Grimm... Remember, your wife died; try to look sad.
Jacques: How's this?
Jacques: D8
Watts: Too sad. Remember, you were married to Willow.
Qrow: Hey, Mr. Schnee. Sorry again for your loss. Guess I'm hanging around a bit longer, since this is a homicide.
Jacques: Homicide?! You think my darling Willow was... murdered?!
Qrow: Looks like it, based on the autopsy. And here, look at this carpet we found. See that mark? Looks like the heel of a shoe.
Jacques: So?
Qrow: We found a similar indent UNDER the carpet, right on Mrs. Schnee's neck. Somebody must've killed her and make it look like a suicide.
Watts: Surely you don't think Jacques is responsible?!
Qrow: No, of course not. Mr. Schnee has already been cleared as a suspect.
Watts: He has?
Jacques: I have?
Qrow: Yup. His shoes are similar to the shape, but way too small. We're looking for someone with the same style, but bigger feet.
Watts: D8
Qrow: Are you alright, Dr. Watts?
Jacques: Oh, he's just grieving...
Qrow: Well, I've bothered you long enough. Better get back to work...
Qrow: ...Oh! Uh, just one more thing... Mister Schnee, do you like Mistrali plays?
Jacques: Of course! Who doesn't?
Qrow: Y'know, I grew up in a Mistrali home. Food, art, everything. And when I read your play, I thought, "Hey, this is GREAT! It feels VERY Mistrali!" Kinda reminded me of, uh... The Grimm Brothers.
Qrow: Anyway, that's all. See ya 'round! (Exits)
Jacques: ...ARTHUR, I'M DONE FOR!
Watts: Calm down, Jacques! The worst he can do is out you as a plagiarist!
Jacques: EXACTLY! I'LL BE EJECTED FROM THE ARTS COMMUNITY!
Watts: Alas, dear listeners, it's time for our break. Stay tuned for our second hour where our topic will be: "Anxiety: Your Body VS Your Life".
Watts: (Sees Qrow) Oh, for the love of...
Watts: Mr. Branwen! What a pleasant surprise!
Qrow: Sorry to bother you, Doc, but I had a question for ya.
Watts: About biology? Because I do have some notes on the negative aspects of alcohol.
Qrow: Thanks, but it's actually about the case. See, there's this loose end I'm trying to tie up, but I'm honestly pretty stumped. But YOU have that terrific brain! You REALLY know how to make people tick! Figured if anybody could solve this, it'd be the great Dr. Arthur Watts!
Watts: Oh, do go on~! ...No, seriously, do go on.
Qrow: One sec, I had it here somewhere... Ah! Here it is! It's about Mr. Schnee's play.
Watts: Yes, I thought it was derivative as well...
Qrow: If Mr. Schnee was writing a play at home, why were the staff under the impression that he'd spend the night at home with his wife?
Watts: Well, most if not all of Jacques' staff are from outside of Atlas, and he usually speaks with passion in Atlesian. Perhaps there was a translation error?
Qrow: ...
Qrow: Yeah, that sounds about right! Thanks for your help, Dr. Watts! (Exits)
Watts: Farewell~!
Watts: (Scowls, Sits in booth) Welcome back, Atlas...
Watts: Cinder, who's our next caller?
Cinder: We have Qrow Branwen on line one.
Qrow: (Via radio) Hey, Doc! I almost forgot! Just one more thing...
Jacques: I can't take it anymore, Arthur! He's at the opera! He's at the wine club! He's even at my alcoholics anonymous meetings!
Watts: I thought it was only a wino anonymous meeting.
Jacques: IT USED TO BE!
Jacques: He's clearly much smarter than he lets on! Maybe we should come clean now?
Watts: THINK, Jacques! We won't be the only ones who suffer from this! Whitley will be made a pariah by progeny, and without me to employ her, Raven will be forced to return to her life of crime in Mistral!
Jacques: NO!
Watts: And think of the good work we do for this kingdom! Without us, Atlas would fall into the sky and be destroyed!
Jacques: The words are deranged, but the way you say them makes me believe~!
Watts: You forget the kind of pull I have in these cities! Come on my radio show and we'll squash any rumors circulating about this mess. No jury would convict you, regardless of what Qrow Branwen would say!
Jacques: Thank you, Arthur. I feel like celebrating!
Watts: I swear, we could win a High Praise award for this broadcast!
Jacques: Perhaps even a Shmulinger! Which we'd politely decline, of course...
Watts: BRANWEN, YOU TEST MY PATIENCE! Somehow you've got it in your head that WE are responsible for Willow's death! But this harassment will amount to nothing in the absence of EVIDENCE!
Qrow: Gee, sorry to upset you, Dr. Watts. Cinder let me use the booth. Nice girl, that Cinder. Let me in after I told her that I always dreamed of having my own radio show.
Watts: Oh, and what would your show be about? How to cook chili in two ingredients or less?
Qrow: Nah, but I bet I could do a pretty good show about murder. Y'know what every great murder has?
Jacques: Gravitas?
Qrow: Character motivation, and that's what had me stumped. If Mr. Schnee was going to murder his wife for Lien, then why not years ago? Why now? Why'd you do it, Jacques?
Watts: Is that why you're here? To speculate? To make false accusations?!
Qrow: No, Dr. Watts. I came here to make an arrest.
Jacques: (Pops open liquor bottle)
Watts: You're going to arrest us?! On what grounds?!
Watts: (Smacks bottle to the floor) STOP THAT!
Qrow: I'm not arresting both of you. Just Mr. Schnee.
Jacques: Pardon?
Watts: You can't ask for one now; you haven't been convicted yet.
Qrow: Your motive was a classic! Truly timeless! Like something out of a Mistrali play... You fell in love with another woman.
Qrow: Honestly, it doesn't take a detective to figure out how you feel about her, but it does take at least two to prove it. Like the Junior She-tectives Mrs. Schnee hired to investigate your fidelity.
Jacques: That's how Willow found out? Junior Detectives? How needlessly dramatic...
Watts: You're right. We should have figured this out sooner.
Qrow: For a while, you almost had me. Really thought you were gonna get away with it. The scarf, the alibi- Truly genius! Can't wait to see the documentaries they'll make about you!
Watts: Documentaries?
Qrow: Sure! People will wanna know how that brilliant criminal mind of his works!
Qrow: The whole kingdom will be talking about him! Maybe all of Remnant!
Qrow: Mr. Jacques Schnee, and the passion-fueled murder he'd almost covered up.
Watts: OH, PLEASE! He couldn't even cover up that he wet the bed at science camp! He tried to hide the sheets in his geode cubby! You think this MAN-SHAPED VESSEL OF ANXIETY could have done ANY OF THIS BY HIMSELF?! You think his arms are strong enough to hang a body that big?! WILLOW'S?! HIS LIMBS ARE LIKE SOGGY SPAGHETTI NOODLES!
Watts: The fake suicide? The alibi? IT WAS ALL ME! Hell, it was my FAT FOOT that finished her off! AND I GOT AWAY WITH IT, TOO!
Qrow: Got away with it? I don't understand. Didn't you just confess?
Watts: Maybe to YOUR liquor-induced mind it would seem that way!
Jacques: I'm completely sober and I STILL don't get it.
Watts: I bet you thought you could manipulate me, play to my ego, and get a confession out of me, but the fact remains that you still have no evidence and it will be your word against mine!
Watts: The plebians of the Kingdom of Atlas, all of whom idolize and worship me, will believe me over anything that spews from the mouth of an equally idiotic huntsman! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a radio show to host!
Qrow: Dr. Watts...
Qrow: ...YOUR SHOW STARTED THREE MINUTES AGO.
Watts: ...
Jacques: ...
Jacques: ...I hope you're happy, Arthur. Now everyone know about science camp.
