#dealing with exes

[soulmates-twinflames]

His Ex-Wife Causing Drama? -

When his ex-wife constantly creates drama in your relationship it can lead to problems between you and your guy. He needs to handle this promptly.

[soulmates-twinflames]

Making Excuses to Contact an Ex -

After a breakup there may be reasons to contact an ex but it is really in your best interest? Do you play games and make excuses to contact an ex?

[soulmates-twinflames]

His Ex-Wife Causing Drama? -

When his ex-wife constantly creates drama in your relationship it can lead to problems between you and your guy. He needs to handle this promptly.

[singlemomhandbook]

Your Ex-Know Your Limits

I think it’s great if you can be friends with your ex.  Or friendly.  Or cordial.  I think it’s better for kids to have parents who can tolerate each other’s presence.(Unless it is a case of abuse.  Then, by all means, hate their guts and only allow the visitation the courts require.) 

 My parents refused to be in the same room with each other (although, it was more one parent than both) and, because of this, when I graduated high school I had to have dinner with one side of the family before the ceremony, attend the four hour ceremony, and then have dinner with the other side afterward.  

They briefly shared the same space when my first child, their first grandchild was born.  They refused to speak to each other, building awkward tension in the room as the burrito-wrapped baby was passed around.  

I tried to have them together at the kids’ birthday parties for a few years and eventually gave up.  I wasn’t going to do two parties and I didn’t want to cater to two groups of people, existing in the same location as far away from each other as possible.  It’s exhausting.

I’m trying to be friendly with the kids’ dad.  It’s OK for about the length of a meal.  Of course, I didn’t know this until I tested it.  (I’m a “Try it.  Let’s see what happens.” type of person.) Their dad has occasionally stayed for dinner when bringing them back from a weekend visit.

But, just because you can get along, help each other out, and share the occasional meal DOES NOT MEAN that you can do more than that.  

I learned this the hard way when we went on vacation together last week.

It wasn’t a “rekindling the romance” type thing.  I wanted an extra pair of eyes so the kids didn’t drown in the ocean, an extra pair of arms to help bounce the kids over the waves, and I wanted to split the cost of a beach house 50/50.  It was fine the first day or so.  But I soon realized that being around him was taxing.  I wasn’t able to relax or enjoy the vacation because of the high level of interaction I had to have with him.

I don’t know if people change or if they don’t.  But he hasn’t changed much since we divorced and the things that made me unable to tolerate being married to him anymore showed themselves while we were on vacation.  I was the planner, the doer, the arranger, the scheduler, the decider.  While he just wanted to sit in a chair on the beach the whole day, I had to reckon with a four year old who is being deprived of her naps while simultaneously going to bed hours later than usual, a brand new vest-less ocean swimmer, a 15 year old who wants to wander off on his own, sunblock, food, drinks, towels, chairs, sand toys, bathing suits, goggles, gasoline, weather...it was exhausting. 

I would’ve rather paid the whole amount for the beach house and had time to myself.  I would’ve rather had been the only adult around so that the kids would follow my directions instead of seeing if their dad has any veto power.

By the end of the second day, I’d developed a migraine.  On the way home, I was seething.  He’d agreed to drive the 300 miles home.  I was planning on taking a long nap.  We were in stop and go traffic the first hundred miles.  He tried to maintain a 60 mile per hour speed limit.  He’d slam on the gas, then stomp on the brakes.  I was starting to feel carsick.  He nearly rear ended a van as he cut over two lanes which elicited an involuntary “HEY” from me. At that point, I knew I couldn’t sleep.  So, I sat there, angry about the sleep I was missing.  Hating the music he picked, hating the way he drove, hating the way he breathed.  (I’m not saying I was completely rational at this time.)

Driving like that didn’t get us home appreciably faster.  Now my transmission feels funny.  My migraine lasted three days.

So.  What I have learned is that the less time I spend with him, the kinder my spirit is toward him.  What better gift to my children could I give than memories of their father and I not hating each other and not fighting?  I just have to keep my distance.  And my car keys.

[frankenfae]

Avoiding anxiety and triggering:

There is a way to filter emails in Gmail I feel everyone should be aware of, this functionality is usually available in most modern email clients. I have over the years made a point of blocking anyone emotionally destructive from text/ phone calls and told this person they MUST contact me through email.

I then create an email for this person and a folder with their name where emails skip the inbox, are marked as read and placed into a folder which is not present you can switch this to become present when a new email is contained in this folder but then you know ahead of time what is there and can look at it when you are prepared. Every ex I have has their own filter, and I can so choose to delete it all without reading if I like.

Just a random post about this in case someone needs it. Although be aware if you are nervous about someone emailing you and you set it as “do not show up” if a new email has been placed in this folder you may repeatedly check that folder to see if something new showed up. This is unhealthy behavior and can become obsessive and compulsive in nature, to mitigate this change the setting to appear so that you don’t check and re-check if something new has been placed there.

[momcalleddaddy]

I got married in April and my ex gets married in May (after vowing to never get married). I take H to Daytona in June...... she takes H to Daytona in August.

She feels like our entire life is a competition. If she would put this much effort into being a parent then I might not have to remind her of such implied things such as getting H shots and enrolling her in school.