#death planning

[scriptlgbt]

So I've heard of directives that a person can use in order to allow specific people to decide on medical care/funeral arrangements that aren't legally family or maybe distant family that wouldn't get first choice if closer family exists. But how about the opposite, I mean if I have a character that didn't want specific bigoted family members involved, can those people be barred from making decisions?

I'm pretty sure you have to explicitly name someone as power of attorney, otherwise the law tends to favour the next of kin. Ask A Mortician has some information on this matter in the video below. (It has CC, and I’ve tried to embed it so it starts at the relevant parts.)

Also, does this family want to be involved, and have the means to do so? Because that plays a part too. There are some cases where people are no-contact with their family, and their family cannot be found for whatever reason (full legal name change, moving out of the legal jurisdiction, etc). There's a kind of legal hierarchy when it comes to this sort of stuff.

In these cases I’d have characters establish their advanced directives* with the collaboration of a lawyer in advance, possibly even with a funeral home if possible. (You can pre-pay for funerary packages these days to ensure that when the time comes, your funeral is covered financially.) Having a lawyer in place to help will ensure that any family that wants to be involved but isn’t desired to be will be given the treatment with the wishes of the deceased in mind.

Another thing to keep in mind is that loved ones of a deceased trans person may end up feeling the need to reach out to family in order to help them in funerary protocols. Someone who is made the power of attorney may feel morally obligated to at least let the bio family know of the death. This is also part of why these things need to be sorted in advance.

If someone hasn’t made it clear while they are alive who they want to have power of attorney (to make decisions), it will be legally left to next of kin. There also isn’t much leeway if the deceased didn’t get these desires in writing prior to death in a way that is dated and provable to them. (Like with a signature, potentially a notary as witness to the signature.)

If there’s nothing in writing, but the family doesn’t want to be involved, but someone else does, then the someone else will likely handle it. These things tend to be informal agreements until someone goes to court to fight it, which seldom gets to happen in time for the funeral. In which case, court would be the way the inheritance and so on gets handled, but the funeral will be at the discretion of the funeral home. (Which has likely experienced discrepancies between legal vs reality next-of-kin before. So they will likely be siding with the legal precedent to avoid getting sued themselves.)

But pretty much in all of these cases, what needs to be done is choosing a priority person instead to handle it. Otherwise it just goes to next of kin, unfortunately. There are some programs that will help out with death logistics though.

- mod nat

*Advanced directives are plans regarding end of life care and death that are made by a living person in advance of these decisions needing to be made. Things like choices of cremation, inheritance, etc.

[gwydionmisha]

The Problem With Wills

A striking proportion of Americans doesn’t have one. Nontraditional families are left uniquely vulnerable.

[naomiknight-17]

Dad has said I'm the executor of his will, but, as I suspected, he does not actually HAVE a will

He has had 2 heart attacks and is a diabetic approaching 70 and he has done zero end-of-life planning. Not a bit

So over coffee yesterday I was arguing to convince him to express what he wants and get it written down, and he was like

"Nah, I leave everything to you and your brother and you can figure it out"

And I'm like, yeah? And what about your first wife? Your other 4 daughters? Your current partner? Your OTHER current partner? You think none of them are going to fight me on that? Most of them have a legal claim to whatever you leave behind unless you PUT IT IN WRITING and have it notarized!"

And FINALLY he was like "Ugh, okay, get the will kits and I'll do it"

Great. Next step? Get him thinking about death planning. So I gently asked him to think about what he wants done with his remains.

And he says, "Oh, whatever, whatever they usually do, I don't care"

And like??? There are so many options you can't just say "whatever"???

So I say, "Okay well, do you want to be embalmed? Cremated? Directly cremated? Traditional burial? Aquamation? Natural or eco burial?"

And I wasn't trying to get him to give me an answer right away but I wanted him to THINK about it and have an answer ready for next time when we do the will kit but he chose direct cremation, no embalming. Ok! And do you have a plot or mausoleum spot picked out for your ashes?

"Scatter me in Algonquin Park"

Omg he HAS thought about this he has just been being evasive to give me an aneurysm I swear to fucking god

Also I had to Google to see if that's even legal, and he's dang lucky that it IS legal but jeez man like. If u already know you want to be cremated and scattered why didn't you SAY SO at the beginning holy shit

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

This video goes into details about Death Cafes, which I never heard of before, and planning for your death. 

Aly Dickinson is a death doula that Leah meets, who not only looks after the dying, but has inherited some of their cats, as well, which I thought was a great start. I’m always concerned about my cats. I know my father will likely keep them if I pass before him -- he’s attached -- but I still worry. 

“She’s very obese. I shouldn’t fat shame her, should I?”-Aly, on a cat. 

Leah and Aly get into making plans for death, deciding if Leah wants to be buried or cremated, setting things up for if Leah can’t speak for herself, and other such things. I’ve been through part of this, but more and more I realize I haven’t actually planned what I want done with my body. I know what should happen if I become so ill I can’t interact, but the actual death thing hasn’t been done. I also haven’t had a real discussion about where I’d prefer to die -- home, hospital, hospice 

I need to find my own death doula. 

Leah ends up wanting to die in a hospital, because being dead in a place where dead bodies aren’t meant to be -- her home -- seems strange to her. Which is a fascinating take to me.

They then explore what is in a “death doula” pack that Aly takes with her when visiting the dying, like a towel (usually dark so stains aren’t as visible), bed pads, sheets, a silk scarf for over the sheet, a book, a snack for her, and other things that are mostly practical, though some not so much (a sage stick -- although it could have a lovely placebo affect).

Aly seems very real in that her manner of adjusting, is chocolate and boxsets. Mood, Aly.

They go to a death cafe together. 

At the cafe she meets various people, including someone who’s got a long-term illness he’s struggling with, and it’s his first time at a death cafe, too. They sit around with food and drink, and Aly starts things off with discussion. 

There is also a discussion of a Near Death Experience that is traumatic rather than pleasant, which we don’t hear much of -- and see the reactions of a thanatophobe, and those who are chill, which is another interesting polarity, that can maybe give us hope of reaching that level of chill, or at least chill-er. 

It does cause an uncomfortable silence that is rescued by Aly -- and people switch tables. A terminally ill man gets to speak and says the hardest adjustment is giving up on plans for the future. 

Which, I think is true. I’m always thinking and planning for the future, and having to give those up is hard. Right now with new Covid variants, I have been fretting over the future once more. He is also on the same page as someone who needs to feel like he has control, and plans to keep a “stash of pills” just in case...to keep the feeling of control over his fate. 

“I think it sort of makes you want to go out and have an ice cream.”-Assessment of death cafes

[the-shape-of-life]

It's my dream to be the single human skeleton bone the excentric high school science teacher, who has been threatening to retire for over a decade, just... randomly has.

I would be in 200 small high schools across the nation. Just causing most teens to go "What the fuuu..." While there's one kid in the front visibly buzzing to look at a real life dead person.

[the-wannabe-hero]

Related to something I just reblogged, I HATE HATE HATE the fact that it's rude to ask older loved ones if they've made firm plans about their passing/funeral/living will/etc. Like NO I don't want you to die, YES I know you don't plan on dying, but unfortunately death does not stop by and ask if we could please plan on seeing on Thursday if we're free!!!

If you don't plan out everything before you croak, you're just dumping a year or more worth of paperwork, stress, late nights, and expenses on your loved ones!!!!

Figure out who's getting what!!! Who has your power of attorney!!! Who is your digital power of attorney!!! What all of your passwords are and where to find them!!! How/if you want to be buried and under what name!!! Have multiple copies of important paperwork and make sure your points of contact have them!!! Sort out your own important paperwork and label everything so they don't have to spend days on days searching for stuff!!! Declutter things that aren't important so your loved ones don't have to do it themselves!!!

If you're in the USA and not sure where to start, here's a really good episode of Death in the Afternoon that has a lot of good starting points and explanations! If you're from a place where death planning looks different please please please add on some resources for your neck of the woods!

[msmhari]

Happy October!

Happy October!

When was the last time you talked to your loved ones about your death? If you feel the urge to reply 'never' or 'I'm going to live forever' or something else equally dismissive? Kindly do not. This is not the place.

You are going to die some day. You may or may not see it coming. These are the only two universally true statements that exist. Ignoring it won't change it. Just make it harder for you to go out how you want to AND makes it harder on the ones you leave behind.

So. You've just found out you're going to die. My condolences, but life is terminal.

The good news is that if you're reading this you have forewarning and can prepare some things in advance. What kind of things you, reluctantly and uncomfortably, ask? Well, what comes to mind for you when you hear the words "a good death" or "a peaceful death"?

Do you imagine slipping away in the middle of a party? Where the last things you experience are your loved ones celebrating around you? Maybe you have a faith practice you automatically picture. Is it going quietly in your sleep at home? Or are you somewhere specific?

Write that all down. As much detail as feels important to you. And make Sure your important people know. It doesn't matter if it 'seems obvious'. Pretend the person in charge of your death has 0 experience with what you picture as the 'normal' death.

Now. What do you need to do to make that happen? As close as you can get to your perfect exit. Write that down too. As easy as you can make this for the people who need to follow directions to make it as low stress on you as possible when the time comes. Trust me, you'll be too busy with the business of dying to make sure the right music gets cued up.

You're dead. Now what?

Everyone has a visceral reaction to how they think a corpse should be treated. What's yours? Do you want your family to keep your body home for a day or two and have the wake or vigil there? Is there a belief you have that you want observed, like covering mirrors or opening a window? Do you want the funeral home called the second you let out your last breath?

What do you want done with your body? There are so many options, with more developing constantly. What's available around you? Do you want to be embalmed? Buried? Cremated? Aquamation? Natural burial? Composted? Donated to science or a body farm? What do you or your survivors need to do to make that happen?

Thinking about this, in detail, and writing it down Now is the greatest gift you could possibly give. In preplanning, as much as possible, you save your survivors from having to make those choices, and guess what you wanted, while emotionally fragile. And potentially fighting each other over what they each imagined you'd want. Just tell them.

You're gonna die. Why not get what you want?

[normalhumanblogger]

Just saw a thumbnail for a trashy cheapskates reality show that was along the lines of "couple plans for funeral even though NEITHER of them are OLD!"

So anyway here's your reminder to at least complete an advance directive because no one is too young to die in an accident.

This is especially important if you have children, so that your exact wishes for their care are known OR if you are a trans person that does not wanted to be deadnamed and disrespected in death by next of kin that do not recognize your transition.

I can guarantee that you (and your loved ones) do not want have to think about or make these decisions while actively experiencing grief anyway.