Things my Best Friend said while watching Harry Potter for the first time.
So recently I found out my best friend and maid of honor had never seen the Harry Potter movies. I just thought Harry Potter wasn’t her thing, but it turns out that she saw Philosopher’s Stone in theaters and retired her HP career. We just spent the last two days binge watching the movies and here is her most epic commentary of the movies.
BF: “Who is this little blond bitch? What his issue?”
When Neville falls off his broom,
BF: “Is there a social worker at Hogwarts? Do parents sign like health releases?”
When Quirrell takes his turban off, BF: “Is that Voldemort? Is he like some parasite thing? Was he drinking the unicorn blood. OMG!”
BF: “Oh no, the little blond bitch is playing against Harry?”
BF: “This teacher is awful. How is he famous?”
BF: “I don’t like this movie, there’s too much of that blonde kid and not enough Hermione in it.”
When Tom Riddle reveals his real name, BF: “Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s the parasite again.”
BF: “Why is he so big?”
BF: “His aunt definitely deserved that.”
BF: “I bet you anything that Sirius Black is a werewolf.”
BF: “Ron needs to go to therapy for his spider trauma.”
BF: “The teacher is evil? He’s a traitor! Who’s in charge of hiring these people? Is there no Human Resources at Hogwarts?”
Me: “How are you not pissed off that they are going to kill Sirius?”
BF: “It’s a kid’s movie, he can’t die. Besides, I’m not convinced he’s good.”
BF: “Okay, so Sirius is good. That doesn’t mean Peter is bad. He said it was an accident.”
BF: “Wow, Peter is a bitch.”
BF: “Oooh, That’s Edward.”
BF: “So nobody under 17 can play?”
Me: “No”
BF: “So Harry is safe? Perfect.”
BF: “Don’t tell me that piece of paper says Harry Potter.”
BF: “Oh for fuck’s sake.”
BF: “Edward is kind of a bitch.”
BF: “I can’t believe Edward stole Harry’s girlfriend.”
BF: “This movie is more frilly and fluffly.
BF: “Doesn’t Ron notice that Hermione dressed all pretty to impress him and not the other guy?”
BF: “200 points to Gryffindor for Harry saving both of them.”
BF: “So nobody is going to say anything about Snape being accused of being a Death Eater?”
In the graveyard, BF: “Where are they?”
BF: “Is that Voldemort’s grave?”
BF: “Why doesn’t Voldemort have a nose?”
BF: “Edward is coming back to life right?”
BF: “I can’t believe Malfoy’s dad is working with Voldemort.”
BF: “I don’t understand why Voldemort hates Harry’s parents so much.”
BF: “wow, I can’t believe Cedric is really dead.”
Me: “You just called him Cedric.”
BF: “Well, yeah. He’s dead now. If I call him Edward that’s disrespectful.”
BF: “I’m so excited, now Voldemort’s back and everybody knows.”
BF: “What do you mean they don’t believe him? The ministry sucks.”
BF: “Who is in charge of hiring these teachers?”
BF: “Why is Dumbledore being so mean?”
BF: “I really want to know what Snape’s deal is.”
BF: “Oh my God. Everyone who Harry loves dies. Now he’s all alone.”
BF: “Wow, Dumbledore just cocked blocked Harry.”
BF: “Are Ron and Hermione finally gonna get together?”
BF: “Wow, Voldemort was an evil kid. He was born damaged.”
BF: “Why is Ron kissing this other girl!”
BF: “Ron and Hermione have communication issues. They need to talk about their feelings.”
BF: “I don’t think Malfoy is really evil, I think he feels obligated to do these things.”
BF: “Oh yes, Snape is here to help!”
BF: “Wow, Snape is a dirty lying Snitch.”
BF: “Wow Dumbledore didn’t do anything. He just left them to die.”
BF: “Why does everyone that Harry loves die? They even killed his bird!”
BF: “Seven movies in and Ron and Hermione are still not together.”
BF: “Where is Draco all this time?”
BF: “It’s unacceptable that there’s only like one hour left of this and Hermione and Ron just kissed for the first time.”
When Snape is attacked, BF: “He deserved that for being a dirty pig. Fucking mule.”
BF: “Don’t tell me he liked Harry’s mom. Someone should write fanfiction like that.”
BF: “oh my God, he did love Harry’s mom. So he was lying for her?”
BF: “I am very disappointed that Harry is alive”
BF: “What kind of name is Albus Severus? Neither of them deserve that. Hagrid and Neville did.”
BF: “I’m going to read these books. They left too much information out of the movies.”
