As I replot The Wayward Sister for what seems like the thousandth time in 8 years, I am taking the rare opportunity to truly examine each and every moving part of the story and decide what I want to do with it, instead of what I think I should do with it. Do I keep? Expand upon it? Throw it out altogether? Adjust it? It's for me to decide.
I don't think I've ever reworked it like this before. It is very freeing to not be scared of my own project, and to be putting more faith in my abilities as a writer, an artist, and a storyteller. In truth, I'm not sure where the sudden confidence has come from. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact I am now only writing it for myself, without the burden of thinking I am speaking on behalf of a "holy" (ha) God.
Before, I had my religious morals to worry about. Was I representing God correctly? Would my Christian faith shine through the story, even though it was dark? I had elements of moral good, was that enough? How dark was too dark? Would my Christian friends judge my story? Would my pastor need to draw me aside and speak to me about it once it got published? Stupid questions to someone on the outside of Christian Evangelicalism, maybe. But to me they were real concerns.
Now, it's just what I want to do. The story I want to write. The subject matter that I am comfortable with. The topics I want to cover because they align with morality defined by me. I don't mean this in a narcissistic or uncaring way; Of course I care how my work affects people, whether negatively or positively. And I still want to be extremely careful where (and how) I tread. But I truly believe that if my book (and my life, for that matter) had continued down its path, it would have harmed more people in the long run than it will now that my worldview has changed drastically.
Over the years the concept has stayed the same. It is a story of the reality of consequences, what desperate people do in desperate times, and the systems that push them to be in those positions. Now, more than ever, I see clearly what I have been trying to say this whole time. And I can say it without fear, because ultimately, it is for me. No one else.