#deer jokes

[dog-bat3]

Alastor: "Lucifer could you be a deer and…" (Alastor makes that joke as easily as he breathes) Lucifer: shifts into a deer Alastor: "you know that's not what I meant, change back now"

[themelancholicjovian]

Kinktober Day 13 - Pheromones/In rut

Turns out I can use the deer info I was forced to learn growing up in the midwest! (you will never catch me hunting) Also, I am aware that antlers do not fall off in fall. Go with it.

cw: stalking, a bit of blood

Wanna Try Rut Stuff?

Alastor stomped the decorative pumpkin which Charlie had placed in the hotel steps until it was little more than pulp. He hated this time of year.

Not because of Halloween. No, that had been the brightest spot of all of October every year. No, his real problem was that Fall was rut season for deer demons. Alastor had no idea why this feature was integrated into Sinners. It wasn’t as though they would be having any children. And yet, here he was spritzing his particular eau de toilette and eating corn like he was starving. Corpse just wouldn’t fully satisfy during this particular torturous feeling.

Across town Vox was sitting with Valentino and doing his regular spy routine in the hotel. On his main screen, Alastor sprayed some kind of old fashioned cologne on his little maid who had run out to dramatically mourn a fallen pumpkin. Vox watched with narrowing eyes as Alastor turned and scuffed his foot on the ground like he was drawing a line then did a few full body sniffs of the air like he was trying to smell all the way down to his toes, before spritzing the pumpkin guts as well.

“Hey, Val.”

“Humm…” he responded, uninterested in anything that was not Velvettes latest Vouge.

“Do his antlers look… bigger to you?”

“How the fuck should I know.” he cooed and flipped the page without looking up.

“He keeps scuffing his shoes and smelling things?” Vox enhanced the image and zoomed in on Alastor’s scuffing shoe and made it .5 speed, looking for hints, “do you think he’s sick? Did he contract rabies or CWD finally?”

“Vox, you silly slut, it’s fall. Deer are all in rut. What do you expect him to do?” Val returned to his personality quiz on page 16 as if he didn’t just blow several of Vox’s circuits straight to Perdition. He needed to figure out what kind of skirt and top combo he was.

“What, rut like- sex?” Vox turned to look at him perplexed, gears turning and circuits frying. “...Soooo he needs sex? You’re saying I should go challenge him to a spar or something? Winner take all?”

“And get your ass handed to you? No, babi, bucks fight other bucks in rut, not fuck them… usually.” he snickers, “You’ll need to act like a doe if you want any real action.”

“Hey! I beat him last time fair and square!” Vox tried to not sound like he was trying to convince anyone. He swiveled his seat to a different screen and zoomed in on Alastor’s antlers. Tall, sharp, and wicked, they were definitely bigger. “how do I act like a doe?”

“It is all scent with deer demons. They like pheromones… if scent yourself like a sweet thing and run away a bit playing hard to get he will stalk you down and destroy that ass for sure.~”

“I could lead him to a lovenest… fuck.” Vox kicked off from the desk and propelled himself to a third screen and began scouring the internet. 

‘lovenests near me’ ‘cheep motels high discretion’ ‘deer demon doe scent pricing’ ‘what deer homes look like’ ‘vintage radio scrapyards near me’ ‘discount coupon for Deerbangers Novelty Store’ ‘radio demon porn’ ‘deer corn shopping’ ‘taxidermy shopping’ ‘morgues near me’...

Vox held on to Alastor’s antlers for dear life. Val was getting a nice bonus for this tip. Vox wasn’t just getting fucked, he was getting bred. This was the third position Alastor had manhandled Vox into and he was showing no signs of slowing down.

Vox was on his back with his legs shaking like jello with exertion and pleasure and surrounded by broken radios and televisions in a bed of soft grasses and animal pieces. Everything smelled intensely of Alastor and sex. Alastor was whispering horrible, dirty threats into Vox’s ports and grunting like a crazed animal. Vox was on edge and nearly insane with how perfectly his plan had backfired. 

He was going to be stuck here for the remainder of Alastor’s rut and damn he hoped that Vel and Val didn’t pay his ransom.

An orgasm tore its way through him, and he gripped Alastor’s antlers and arched involuntarily against his overheated skin.

SNAP

Vox looked down at his hand and saw a bloody antler, if he had air in his lungs he would have screamed but Alastor sighed in contented ecstasy as blood dripped down one side of his face.

“You have no idea how annoyingly itchy those things get.” Alastor rubbed the nub against Vox, smearing blood and hair all over his skin. Satan, how disgusting. How delightful.

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[yoruiotheoreo]

I saw this and I thought this kinda reminds me of @dawn-of-fawn maybe that's cause it's a deer 😋

[sandsibs-and-co]

Choji: Do you want to tell me how you crashed the car?

Shikamaru: well we were driving and there was this deer in the middle of the road that Temari couldn't see so I shouted "Temari, deer!"

Temari:...

Shikamaru: Do you want to tell him what your response was?

Temari: "Yes, Honey?"

[just2bubbly]

Cinder: Do you want to tell me how you crashed the car?

Kai: Well we were driving and there was this deer in the middle of the road, so I shouted- "Thorne, deer"

Cinder:

Kai: Do you wanna tell her what your response was?

Thorne: no

Cinder: *glares*

Thorne: "Yes, honey?"

[hoqwvrts]

Remus Lupin is the reason McGonagall sits with the Quidditch commentator.

After losing a bet against the other Marauders, Remus was forced to become quidditch commentator.

During the match, he: used almost every swearword in the English language, plus some of his own invention; didn’t get the names of half the players correct; and showed how little he understood quidditch.

After the match, McGonagall fired Remus, but the only person who showed up to take his place was a muggleborn first year, so they commentated on the next match, displaying a huge stutter and going off on uninteresting tangents every five seconds. 

Students started protesting. You couldn’t go five minutes without a dung bomb going off, or a book being charmed to attack the closest person to it (usually a professor). One morning the teachers breakfast made them all turn bright blue with pink hair.

Eventually, McGonagall was forced to let Remus commentate again and he continued until they left school, but she sat next to him and took the mic off him whenever he started just insulting players who’d tried to hit Sirius with a bludger cheated.

[retro-mexicano]

Oh deer Doreen, hath she listened, they'd ought not be trophies now adorned in a hunter's wall

😔🤷🏽‍♂️🦌

[punsify1]

200+ Clever Deer Puns And Jokes To Brighten Your Day – Enjoy The Best Of Fawn-tastic Fun

Looking for a hilarious herd of laughter? You’ve found the right spot! Our “200+ Deer Puns and Jokes That Will Have You Buckling Over with Laughter and Antler-ly Amused” is packed with punny one-liners, witty wordplay, and jokes that are so funny, they’re fawn-tastic.

Whether you’re a wildlife enthusiast or just love a good laugh, this collection is designed to keep you entertained.

From antlers to hooves, these deer-themed puns will have you grinning from ear to antler. For more pun-filled laughs, head over to puns and explore jokes that’ll tickle your funny bone like never before.

These deer puns will have you laughing so hard, you’ll be seeing spots. Check out these ten pun-tastic lines that are sure to make you doe-eyed with laughter!

I’m so fawn-d of deer puns — I can’t help but buck-le over laughing! 🦌

Deer me! I can’t believe how funny these jokes are. 😅

What did the deer say to his therapist? “I feel so stag-nant.” 🛋️

The deer joined a band because he wanted to play the “horn” section. 🎺

When the deer proposed, she said it was “love at first antler.” 💍

The deer got a speeding ticket — it was caught hoofing it on the highway. 🚓

I saw a deer reading a book on forest management. He’s a real “hoofdini.” 📚

My favorite type of deer is one that listens — it’s always “all ears.” 👂

The deer was a fashionista; she always went out with her best “fur-coat.” 🧥

The deer was embarrassed when it tripped in the forest — total “stag-ger.” 😳

Read: 200+ Deer Puns and Jokes That Will Have You Buckling Over with Laughter and Antler-ly Amused.