A little thing about Evan and Heidi’s dynamic since it’s not talked about enough.
The core of their dynamic is that they both feel like they’re not doing enough for the other.
Heidi tries her best but she feels like no matter what she does she can’t do everything. Which is true, she’s only one person, albeit a very dedicated and hardworking one. However she is stuck in an unfortunate conundrum where if she provides for Evan and tries to get to a position where they are financially better off, then she’s not physically there for him, not as emotionally present.
And Evan feels like he’s not getting better, or at least not getting better at a rate fast enough to make a difference. He probably not doing nearly the amount of college essays or certainly not activities or socialization that he tries to give Heidi the impression he is. He feels like his best effort is still not enough, despite Heidi’s outward support, because her support is given when he’s lying about positive actions.
They both fake positivity to make the other feel better, or at least they think it makes the other feel better. Evan writes his letters, goes to therapy, tells his mother that he’s making friends and being productive in school, but he’s struggling to connect to anyone out of fear of rejection and inadequacy. He’s isolating himself and Heidi probably realizes on some level that he’s not doing quite as well as he tries to make her believe. But questioning what he tells her would make him feels like she doesn’t trust him if he’s actually being truthful, and make him close himself off to her for picking at his statements in any way. Heidi pulls out every happy positivity phrase ever found to try and make an environment that can give Evan confidence and let him know that he can come to her with any problem, but it just makes her seem robotic and unapproachable to him. It makes him believe that her love is predicated on him getting better and becoming normal.
It’s fascinating because it’s their attempt to be positive for the other that they think will make things better for them while it actively creates an environment where things can’t get better. They’re lying to each other by omission in a way. They’re basically each other’s only family but they never meaningfully speak until things hit their breaking point.
Jared offered to fake the emails voluntarily, before Evan asked him to (heck, before Evan even came up with the thought that he could fake the emails), he was the one to argue and convince Evan that he shouldn’t come clean to the Murphys when Evan wanted to, and he produced and sold Connor Murphy memorabilia long before Evan got involved and when asked joined the Connor Project without so much as a protest or comment.
While I do belive part of it is due to his and Evan’s friendship, no matter how much he plays it off as a joke, I also think that on some level he felt at least partly responsible for Connor’s suicide due to the comment he made about his hair the last morning Connor was seen in school and calling him a freak.
In the book we learn that he tells offensive jokes as a coping/shielding mechanism when he feels vulnerable or nervous (he had just finished telling Evan that they were “family friends” on the first day back from the summer, something I can’t imagine him feeling too good about doing) and genuinely can’t help how much of a jerk he comes off as sometimes.
I think that on some level he really did feel like he had something to do with Connor’s death and was looking for ways to atone and compensate for it with Connor’s family. Thanks for coming to me TED talk.
I really like assessing how these characters feel and their deeper emotions, especially when relating to this specific song. It demonstrates many different aspects of every single one of these characters, so why not make an analyzation?
EVAN:
Let’s start off with Evan. Good For You begins with the fight between Heidi and Evan after leaving the Murphy’s. Heidi is outraged that Evan’s been spending all this time with the Murphy family, and Evan’s response is to argue that Heidi is never there. Some people say Evan behavior here is really shitty and while I do think that his actions aren’t that good of decisions, we can really understand where they come from. I’m positive that Evan has an intense fear of abandonment. He fears that the people in his life will one day decide that he’s not good enough for them and leave him behind. (This most likely originated from his father leaving at a young age.) He’s terrified that he’s just a burden to his mom and that her life would be much better if he wasn’t there. This fear causes him to refuse to bond with his mom. He doesn’t want to create a connection or tell her his problems because she already has so much going on with work and classes. This is evident when Evan expresses that he thinks Heidi believes Evan is the worst thing that ever happened to her. (She denies this of course). This is also fueled by the fact that Heidi didn’t know of Evan’s broken arm until he was in the hospital. Heidi didn’t respond to Evan’s calls. This wasn’t her fault of course, she was at work. And even though Evan most likely knew this, it’s hard to shake off the fact that maybe...that wasn’t the case. His anxiety can cause him to overthink and he jumps to the conclusion that he really is just a burden to her, which is part of what caused him to let go in the first place. On the other side, he gets validation from the Murphy’s. It’s almost like the Murphy’s actually like him, even though it is all based on a lie. It’s like he’s a part of the perfect family. Evan finds false comfort in that. He really is good at heart and though he did bad things, we can really see where he’s coming from.
A note on his treatment towards Jared, it really isn’t his fault. Evan is under the impression that Jared only hangs out with him for car insurance, that he doesn’t really consider him a friend. That has a huge affect on Evan, since Jared is really the only friend he’s got. So when he lashes out, he thinks Jared won’t care what Evan thinks of him, because why would he? (Of course, Jared has his reasons for doing these things as well, More of him below).
Now for Evan in the actual song. He expresses extreme panic with his few lines. We can see how overwhelmed Evan really is with all the chaos the lying has brought. It’s taken a huge toll on him and he just wants to get out. He wants to erase everything and take back all these lies. But it’s not that simple. Evan’s newfound confidence that starts to shine throughout act II begins to break down as he realizes the affects of his actions.
Heidi:
Heidi’s feelings are the most obvious, given that she has the most lines in the song. She just found out her son has been spending all his time with this family she doesn’t even know. She believes Evan thinks she isn’t good enough for him. She thinks Evan wants to escape her, while Evan is afraid of Heidi thinking the same thing about him. Evan was the best thing that ever happened to her, and he’s leaving now. Heidi is outraged at the lies her son has been telling her about where he’s been (and this is before the big reveal in words fail).
Alana:
For most of the musical, Alana’s been a relatively positive character. She seems well put together and hardworking, but it is revealed to the audience that she’s struggling as well. Her symptoms of high-functioning anxiety are much more obvious to the audience, given that she does sing some of Waving Through A Window in Act One. But her issues are technically revealed during Good For You, after Heidi’s singing. Evan questions why Alana is even a part of the Connor Project, angry and unable to see any possibilities other than her wanting something to put on her resumé. Alana debunks this, stating that she knows what it feels like to be alone and like know one can see you, just like Connor did. She then remarks how Evan used to know how that felt like too. This shows a feeling of anger towards Evan and how he disregards her feelings. She’s almost jealous that Evan was able to realize that he wasn’t alone in this and find solace. She thinks Evan doesn’t care anyone but himself, which isn’t true, but Alana doesn’t know that of course. “Do you even care that you might be wrong? Was it fun? Cause I hope you had a blast while you dragged me along.”
Alana’s anxiety deserves more recognition, and more people need to realize that her sharing the note wasn’t out of malice, it was out of the sheer need to help people like Connor, people like her.
Jared:
Jared, oh Jared. Throughout the musical, he’s the sarcastic, funny character. The token asshole. Or so you think. It’s obvious to most viewers/listeners (more obvious in the actual production than the soundtrack itself) that Jared is putting up a mask of false confidence. He acts cool and put together while he is actually deeply insecure. He doesn’t know how to communicate his actual feelings to Evan, instead telling him they’re only “family friends” so he can get his car insurance. Jared doesn’t know how he’s making Evan feel when he says these things. He could possibly be thinking that Evan just interprets them as what they are, jokes. He fails to realize that Evan believes Jared doesn’t care for him. When Evan yells at Jared during one of the Good For You cutaway scenes, his real feeling show, but the aggression that Jared uses to cope is still evident. Jared’s “Fuck you Evan! Asshole!” isn’t just anger. His voice trembles, quivers. He sounds like he’s about to cry, or is already crying. He thinks Evan doesn't care about him. They both really have the same problem and are unable to communicate what they're feeling to one another. Some people are unable to see Jared's inner struggles and disregard that part of him, only seeing the shitty things he did having bad intentions. It doesn't excuse his actions, but as with all the deh characters, you can really see where Jared is coming from.
So like @ the anon who said Evan's actions were shitty. Like just remember we see a lot more that Evan does. We get to see everyone's reactions and the blocking can give a lot of perspective to an audience. We also don't see through Evan's anxiety, we don't get to see what he's thinking. He doesn't get to read other people's minds, he has to guess at why people do the things they do. I think people tend to get lost in the whole presentation of a show while analyzing a character.
Exactly! We can see, from an outsider’s perspective, that Heidi truly loves and cares about him. But I honestly don’t think that Evan sees that. I think, truly and deeply, that he, somehow, believes she hates him. That she’s just waiting until he’s eighteen and off at college so she doesn’t have to “deal with him” anymore.
Evan looks at his mother working more, and he doesn’t see that she’s trying to provide for the family, he sees that she’s spending as little time with him as possible. Which, in his brain, means that she hates him.
Evan’s anxiety and self-hatred warps the way he sees the world. We, as observers, can see that Jared’s just joking around with him. Yes, the jokes are ill-timed and a little offensive, but they’re still jokes. To Evan, I don’t think that’s true. He sees Jared’s “jokes” as taunts, as proof that Jared, too, hates him and wants to leave him.
Evan looks as Jared saying things like “family friends” and doesn’t see Jared’s sarcastic sense of humor, he just sees further proof that he can never truly have friends.
It’s really important to keep that all in mind when you’re analyzing and consuming the show.
So yeah, I know it can be perceived as anticlimactic but here are some of the reasons I really love the ending of Dear Evan Hansen:
1) On a practical level, I haven’t seen the show live, but just listening to the soundtrack I’m sobbing from Good For You straight through to So Big / So Small so I think the audience needs a hecking break by the finale. And artistically I like that the show ends with a sort of “deep breath” where you’re forced to pause and reflect and all you’ve seen as opposed to an extravagant showstopper.
2) Evan’s remark about reading Connor’s favorite books in an attempt to get to know who he really was is so incredibly moving to me. The whole show no one knows the real Connor Murphy. When he dies and Evan starts lying there is no one there to correct him. No family member or friend of Connor knows him well enough to even contradict the false image Evan creates of him. This in part can stem from grief. We, as people, are not accustomed to accepting the bad in the people close to us. Especially when they die (don’t speak ill of the dead and all that.) We cling to visions of people that make us feel comfortable and help us move on. It is so much easier to see the Connor that Evan fabricates (both in For Forever/ If I Could Tell Her/ Sincerely, Me and Disappear, provided that you consider Evan’s visions of him to be a manifestation of his subconscious and not an actual ghost) that to attempt (and inevitably fail) to understand the complex and deeply flawed Connor who killed himself. Evan’s profession that he wants to know that Connor is in my mind extraordinarily brave. He knows that the Connor he may come to know better may contradict the comforting image he has already, destroying his own coping mechanism, and yet he persists. DEH is very much a story about how individuals (and communities) process grief and this element of the ending reflects the ability for people to face their fears head on and become more resilient as a result (even if, as in the case of Evan, they follow less constructive paths at first.) One of the most tragic and poignant aspects of the show, to me, is that no one knows Connor Murphy. No one knows him, and until this moment it doesn’t seem like anyone much cares.
3) Evan Hansen begins the show as a teenager with very low self-worth. He hates himself and doesn’t see the point in going through day after day as this person he hates. The lines “Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a good day. And here’s why: because today, today at least you’re you and—that’s enough,” are so incredibly important. They show tremendous and inspiring growth. The reality of mental illness is that there is no easy quick fix. You cannot be cured by the kindness of others, only bolstered by their support. Self acceptance takes time. The path to happiness is slow and you take it one step at a time. Evan Hansen doesn’t leave the show “cured.” He leaves the show more comfortable with who he is. He leaves the show knowing that he is enough. For a kid who copes with lies and hides from everyone around him this is an amazing feat. And yet it isn’t, it isn’t a magical, overnight transformation. This proclamation doesn’t mean Evan’s work is done or his pain is gone. But it’s the sort of progress I think should be acknowledged and celebrated not only in the context of the show but in real world examples of personal growth.
And finally…on another note I just want to say that I appreciate all avenues of this fan base just as I love the comedy and tragedy and social commentary of DEH. I write fanfiction. I reblog dumb memes and in depth analysis with equal enthusiasm. I don’t think there’s one right way to enjoy something. I don’t think a shipper or meme centric fan takes anything away from the deeper meaning of the show with their content. I don’t think people should be shamed or accused of “missing the point” for enjoying something differently. That’s just my two cents. I say the more content the merrier.
Thanks for reading.
Another thing I think DEH does well is how it handles the “bad” mentally ill stereotype and how people treat “bad” mentally ill people before and after their mental illness escalates to the point of self harm and suicide. Connor is called by classmates “school shooter” and presumably other things, his own sister calls him “a psycho,” his parents think he’s just a regular troubled teen acting out until after his death.
And, like so many wonderful and poignant parallels, this “bad” mentally ill characterization in Connor is directly contrasted against Evan, the “good” mentally ill character. Evan doesn’t cause any trouble, he keeps to himself, if he has a reputation at all it’s that he’s a nice but maybe weird guy. He actively goes to therapy and he doesn’t hurt other people.
But the important part is that both these characters are just as mentally ill as the other, if you had to quantify it. Both of them have struggled with taking care of themselves, suicidal thoughts and actions, isolation, and struggles creating and maintaining relationships. And the narrative doesn’t even try to pretend that these two aren’t mirror images of each other, right from the opening number. The important difference between them is that Evan received help before it was too late.
this is a really insightful analysis of the use of subtext in dear evan hansen, if you like the show or songwriting you should definitely check it out!
i saw a post by @vivilevone prompting discussion of the sun motif within the show. @bisexual-evanhansen added a fantastic analysis of specifically the lyrical journey through the sun, that i highly recommend you go read if you haven’t yet. i found it to be incredibly inspiring, and it reminded me of the fact that not only is the sun present in the lyrics, but also the lighting!
there are many points throughout the show where the typical neutral white spotlight shifts to a warm yellow. i believe this to be signaling evan feeling comfortable, hopeful, or like himself, even in falsehoods. i took to a video to check the specifc places i remembered it popping up, and i was shocked to discover it’s even more prevalent than i remembered off the top of my head! there are even moments where it shines on other characters specifically when they are part of/consuming the lie, or experiencing some sort of hopeful shift.
tw: mentions of suicide and grief (as referenced in canon)
“the sun” first appears towards the end of for forever. evan sings about this perfect, idealistic day with connor in an attempt to comfort cynthia and the murphy’s in their grief. he ends up indirectly addressing his own trauma regarding his fall, and providing a great deal of comfort for himself as well. the thought that he and connor could have been friends fulfills an emotional need for both him and the murphy’s, the warmth of the sun washing over him as he leans into the comfort of the lie.
the next appearance is, surprisingly, in sincerely me. at first i wasn’t sure if i was maybe imagining the shift, but when you compare it to connor’s more stark, cool lighting earlier in the song it’s a clear difference. by this point he’s grown very comfortable with the idea of having been friends with connor, and associates that hopeful fantasy with the feeling of the sun. he’s completely immersed in the world he and jared have begun to create around the lies. by the end of the song they’re all bathed in yellow, the truth nowhere to be found.
this is actually the first time it shines without evan anywhere nearby. when zoe picks up the emails during requiem, she’s consumed by the hopeful yellow of the sun. she goes on to sing much of the song without it, but later it returns for the bridge when she’s desperately trying to convince herself that connor couldn’t have possibly had any good left in him when he treated her so poorly. she fights the urge to give in to believing in evan’s version of connor, but it’s haunting her. she’s both comforted and unsettled by the idea of connor not being who she thought he was, conflicted on what she should believe.
its use here really stunned me, because i honestly didn’t expect it to appear without evan around at all. but evan’s lies are pervasive, even in written form, his fantasy of being in the sun overtaking the entire narrative surrounding connor. none of them can escape the temptation of a more positive picture; not even zoe.
the next point (with a different cast lol-) is during if i could tell her, specifically when evan starts on the “i love you”s. it’s faint at first, but every time he repeats the mantra it only gets brighter and brighter as all of his love starts to spill over, morphing from being about connor to becoming his own words. it’s also as zoe is beginning to believe that these things could’ve possibly been said by connor, feeding into her hope and strengthening the lie.
when it shows up again is in disappear. by this time evan has woven a complex tapestry of lies and imagined interactions with the boy, coping with his feelings about himself through connor, and grown attached to each of the murphys in the process. however, when jared reminds him that everyone will soon forget about connor entirely, he’s sent spiraling. he’s desperately hanging on to that feeling of happiness and belonging, afraid if people forget about connor that feeling will go away with him. this is the point where he comes up with the idea of the connor project, and the lie is solidified once more.
in you will be found, the brightness consumes evan. this is the moment when his speech has been shared all over, and it’s begun to sink in that he’s really making a difference. although the story is a lie, this time, the feeling of belonging is entirely a real one: real people are sharing his speech, and are recalling their own feelings of being on the outside. not only that, but he’s grown close enough to the murphy’s that he’s formed a genuine bond with them. even though it’s founded by falsehoods, the hope is real.
the most heartbreaking instance is during for forever (reprise), right after imaginary connor has confronted evan about the realities of his fall. he’s still clung, in desperation, to the parts of the lie he’s used to grapple with his own feelings of hopelessness and suicide ideation. even though by this point he says he wants to come clean for the murphy’s sake, when he’s reminded of the true nature of his fall he reverts back to his tendency to escape through the for forever fantasy, and it’s clear he’s not yet ready to let go of it.
these moments with evan are very important in displaying when, and why he himself buys into the lie. the truth is simply far too painful for him to willingly face yet. he started to find comfort and hope in the idea that maybe he’s not so alone after all. to begin with it’s a complete farce, but as the show goes on and he does gain genuine connection to others, between the murphy’s and the connor project, the feeling is much more complex than simply fake happiness. the happiness has become real, but at far too great a cost for himself and those around him, so he comes clean.
he goes to a very, very dark place in words fail. after all, evan’s spent the entire show coping with his great emotional turmoil through this imagined friendship, and that comfortable place has been unmasked for what it was: a lie.
the other instance with someone other than evan in the sun is heidi. i know heidi’s comfort and nurturing plays a huge role in evans wellbeing after everything comes crashing down, so i checked to see if it was present during so big/so small. it never shines on the both of them, however—after evan walks off, when she fades into the background for the orchard to come rising up, the sun shines on her. i think it’s a good indicator that evan’s comfort and support system has shifted from connor and the lies, to his mom. and even though evan has yet to see a light at the end of the tunnel, or anything close, his mom can tell things are looking up. he has a rough road ahead, but time does it’s work, and by the finale of the show a year later, he seems to have found some peace within himself.
the final point in which evan is bathed in sunlight is during the finale, when the dark cloud finally lifts and we’re surrounded by the bluest of skies. things are different. he’s still evan, still has his awkward mannerisms and vocal quirks. but he’s okay, he’s grown, he’s changed, he’s better. evan talks about his climb again, this time in a more distant, hopeful lens. he muses that maybe some day, some other boy might start climbing, but he won’t let go; he’ll hold on, and he’ll keep going until he sees the sun. and there it is—he sees the sun. warm, bright, hopeful, real. and that’s how it ends.
it’s, quite possibly, my favorite moment of the entire show. i feel like all the buildup of him finding comfort in falsehoods and lying about everything to everyone around him adds much more weight to this moment at the close when it’s genuine. no more hiding, no more lying. just... evan. the final beat of the show is the first moment when evan’s truly in the sun.
