Yo, I'm a trans man and I just found your blog. I'm super excited to see what you have to say about sexuality!
I recently accepted myself as Demisexual and I often get mocked for it when I tell people because to people that aren't, I'm sure it sounds really confusing or dumb but it make perfect sense in my head.
I thought I was asexual for years then suddenly I was attracted to my current partner and I had no idea what was happening. But even when I was, something still felt off. I loved him, but I didn't want to be physically intimate, it scared me.
So I thought maybe I'm still asexual, or just sex repulsed after all?
But as years passed something suddenly clicked and I WAS attracted to him sexually too and I repeated the cycle of not knowing who I was. I didn't, and hadn't felt that way about anyone before. I mean, sure I've had aesthetic crushes here and there but I had no desire to be with anyone physically, even my boyfriend, until almost three years into our relationship and I developed a trusting bond.
Someone finally had to tell me when I explained the situation what demisexual was. And I'm happy with it!!
But it also kinda scares me, because it walks the line between being sexual and not, and a majority of people aren't willing to wait years for you to be ready, you know? God forbid if anything happened to my boyfriend, which I don't think it will but I can't predict the future, it's pretty hard to find other demisexual people, if I'd even want to date ever again, seeing how falling for him was a surprise in itself.
(I'm aware I'm just kinda going off but I thought explaining my situation would help anyone who reads your blog understand what demisexual is if they didn't know before)
What's your take on demi? I didn't see it anywhere in your blog while I was kinda exploring, I'm very curious what your opinion may be, if you don't mind sharing, of course!
I hate to break it to you friend, but I'm gonna disappoint you. While I won't tell anyone what they are or aren't-- that's something only you can figure out and determine for yourself. I take demisexuality with a grain of salt. There's a post in my faq somewhere about it.
I don't know your story and I won't pretend to be an expert on anything. But not being comfortable with intimacy until a good amount of time into a relationship isn't rare. And I don't think it's fair to those who struggle with it to call it a sexuality. It's something that can affect people for a long time, if not their entire, life. And it's something that will create personal boundaries in any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
I had some severe intimacy issues with romantic relationships up until I came out as male due to my gender dysphoria. I have a friend who has intimacy issues due to trauma. Someone else who has it due to sensory issues.
And it can make relationships so difficult. Because as you said, not everyone is going to be patient enough. And that's ok. It sucks but it's ok. Because there are people out there who will be patient, who can respect your boundaries, and who can love you as you are.
Renaming intimacy issues as demisexual takes away the real problem that this causes people. It tells people that the don't actually have a problem. It can be very insulting. It also falls into a very dangerous area where someone can become and stop being demisexual-- ie. You can change your sexuality. Which will lead (and I have seen this already happen in liberal open minded spaces) to people saying the same thing about being gay or trans. That you can stop being or choose to become gay is extremely homophobic. And likewise for other labels.
Now not everyone I've seen who has used demi has used intimacy issues as their reasonings. I've seen someone say they were demisexual because they didn't fall in love with someone as soon as they meet them. A majority of people don't fall in love at first sight. The most they might get is infatuation. Which will very quickly disappear if they aren't compatible. A majority of people need a while before gaining a strong crush. This same person would get crushes within a week of knowing someone which made their whole reasoning feel convoluted.
In general I get pretty nervous when people make whole labels about how someone experiences their sexuality. Specifically when they treat it like it's own sexuality outright. Not being attracted to people/comfortable being intimate right away is a descriptor. It describes how you experience your attraction. Existing outside of the 'who' that your attraction is directed at. A gay man who doesn't want to kiss on the first date is just as gay as one who insists on kissing right away. They don't need separate labels or sexualities.
Making separate identities for how someone experiences sexuality/what their boundaries are gets confusing. The new labels often contradict, getting different definitions dependng on who you ask thus defeating the purpose of a new word. The new label sometimes tells people with legitimate attachment issues that there is nothing wrong with them (someone can and will be able to love you even if there's something wrong with you. It's not bad to have someone wrong with you). There becomes so many labels that no one can keep up, making it harder to organize support groups, give out funding, find support, and actually feel connected with others who are like you. It leads to further division and I've seen it cause people to ignore each other's struggles (everyone claiming to have it the worse which helps no one). Mogai is the worse offender of this, but demi still contributes.
By the most popular definition of demi, a majority of people would be demi. Most people can't fall for people through dating apps. Most people need time before they can be intimate. Lots of people need time as friends before they even WANT a relationship. It can be a bit deceiving with TV and church and just society structured as it is sending confusing messages. Teenagers/young adults often get caught up in infatuation and confused sense of self causing them to put more worth into relationships then they should.
I definitely get feeling alienated if it takes you years to develop a crush. I've genuinely been there myself. But it's not a new sexuality. Nor do I think it needs to be a new label. Especially when we already have words that describe that much better, with more accuracy, and that can help people find solutions/ways to figure themselves out a lot easier.
I'm happy you have a good partner. And I hope you two all the best. You deserve someone who loves you as you are. I'm happy that you find comfort that you didn't before. I personally however, find myself getting increasingly frustrated with demisexuality as every person tells me a different definition and often times explains to me concepts that already exist.
