#depressing aesthetic

[braincavity]

[lilycoloredcolossus]

her teeth were small & overcrowded in her mouth & he was oddly proud of them. he often asked her to smile until her eyes crinkled & he’d comfort himself in the close irregularity of her smile. it mirrored her delicate power & he took any opportunity to show her off.

for now he was satisfied in admiring her in her tight jeans & lilac sweater, head bobbing pleasantly along to an old folk song.

tell me what you’re thinking, he said. i want to know everything inside you. i want to hear your thoughts & drink them up. i want to see the ocean shimmering underneath waving palms. go. sit in the sunlight & tell me what you feel.

i was wondering if i should go completely bald, she said. suppose i cut my hair all the way down & then melt the rest with nair or something. or suppose i dyed it green or- or something. would you like that? would i still be your girl? even if i make myself ugly? ha! wouldn’t i be good? i’d look just like the last one. & her sweet pearly teeth glinted cruelly at him, inviting him to rest in the trap of her cross-bite.

oh, he said. you’d be my girl. always. i’m not sure how good you’d be, but you’d be mine at least. don’t be so insecure. i spoil you all the time. don’t talk like this.

i wouldn’t be good at all, she said. i can promise you that. you can be secure in that knowledge. i would stink of sulphide & arrogance. & you’d hate it. i would let my ugliness show. hey– she said– can’t you do something about that music you’ve got on? i can’t hear myself think.

sure, he said. he sat up easily. feeling very reasonable & calm, he lowered the volume on his phone. bob dylan. since when had he started listening to bob dylan? ah, he thought, but it is real poetry after all. nothing like her music. he didn’t ask her what she’d like to hear. what could you expect from a girl like that?

when the day grew limp & dark he muffled her with cold northern reproof.

you talk so much, he balked, & not enough. you touch me in front of everyone. you always smile into my eyes & you can’t. i can control myself– why can’t you? i love you. i love everything you do & the things you don’t do– i hate them all. cut your hair or don’t, i say. be beautiful or not. make up your mind. you are so fucking perverse.

she smiled gently & averted her eyes. she pulled the thick cashmere over her bare navel & tucked her chin into her open palm. hey– i don’t know, she said. that was hard to understand.

you’re hard to understand, he said, turning on his music. i can’t get through. i just can’t get through.

xix | a dream