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Stay for the small things
Whenever I get suicidal, I try and think of the small things that await me in the future. Like planning a Christmas party with my co-workers or having a day off at work just to kick back in my apartment with a face mask and some scented candles. I like romanticizing these trivial things, and they keep me going. The big things like success or graduating somehow feel heavy, so I stick to reminding myself with the tiny ones.
A truly distopian and morbid thought I often have when I’m depressed is:
How much of my life will I have cumulatively spent on this rectangle by the time I die?
I don’t want to know. Because I know it’s too much. Especially when I think of what I could have been doing instead, how many connections I could have made or enriched in real time, literally ANYTHING else I could have been doing instead of just scrolling on something - had I not constantly had my phone on me and access to the internet 24/7.
I’m not anti phone or anti internet or anything - that’s not the intention of this post. I’m just in a depressive state and this thought comes up every so often when I notice I have multiple screens & different media playing at once and I realize “This is how most of us live all the time - how was it like before phones?”
A cousin wants me to meet his gf and I remember when he first told me about her I had assumed they matched on an app. Nope! They met irl at a bar. And I remember thinking how rarely I hear those stories.
Anyway this has been a ramble and I’m sad.
I need to grieve somewhere that’s not my head and this is so first world problems so pls know I’m aware of that. This is literally me being woe is me and I’m fine and there’s worse going on
Yesterday I got track and traced; so identified as someone who had close contact with someone who has tested positive for COVID. This means I have to isolate for 10 days from contact with them - Wednesday 23rd is now my day of freedom unless a negative pcr can override that - it’s all been unclear.
Today is my 23rd birthday. It was the first one I wasn’t travelling home for. My family were coming to visit me (they’re all vaccinated - I was supposed to get my first dose Thursday) in my flat and I was so excited to take them out for lunch and show them where I live. So obvs that isn’t happening. My best friend and I were going out into the Peak District for midnight to have a picnic and watch the stars to kick off my birthday (can you say nerd?) and that obviously wasn’t safe to do either.
This weekend I’m supposed to be racing in a 24hr karting race with people from uni. Would be the last time I see most of them before they graduate. If the pcr test isn’t my freedom, that’s gone too and I’m heartbroken.
So I’m fine, I don’t have the rona, I’m being a little bitch about missing things bc I actually had plans for once in my little depression cave. I’ll get my test and stay in and all that, no worries there. I’m not about to go spread Covid bc I want to wreck my body in a kart (though I’d like to wreck my body in a kart normally) so there’s no concern about me not isolating. I’m just heartbroken for my family and joy I actually thought I’d manage this year. I’ll do a do over day in a bit instead though
I should just call this my depression journal. Seems that’s the only time I ever write in here.
It’s creeped back in since friday. I almost broke down in a Jack-in-the-Box parking lot before work, then the rest of the day was reminder after reminder of things that terrify me and chipped away at my feelings. I think it’s becoming stifling here.. I’m becoming more and more impatient with the possibility of relocating to LA. I’m gaining an increasing desire to cut ties with everything and everyone. To start fresh.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling excluded lately. The ‘normality’ we used to have is slowly falling away, opening up space for the whole magic and occult interest that’s been gaining ever more traction. I still don’t know that I believe. My gut at times feels like it’s all just some elaborate game of pretend that they keep going because some normality is boring. There is no great antagonis, you aren’t the world’s last hope, there is no princess. I wonder why I occasionally play into it.
Another part weighing on my mind is that I feel I should end things with Audrina. We’ve given it almost 2 extra months and I don’t believe my feelings have deepened. If anything I can see where resentment and impatience can come in from my side, especially given my reactions to her depression and anxiety in the face of aid. I feel terrible for feeling that way, because I was and occasionally still am there too, but I would rather leave us at a point where we can maybe be friends later than at a point where I say something stupid again in frustration and hurt her more.
I’m weary. I haven’t drawn anything in so long... I need to get out and turn myself around and do what I so badly want to do. Decisions need to be made.
doing this early because i haven’t done one while i’ve been in amsterdam 1607
today: got back from amsterdam with no problems finished up packing my room did the final dog walk through reepham and thought ‘fuck you’ at pretty much everything i feel: pretty good because: i managed amsterdam. also tomorrow i escape the godforsaken hellhole of a hometown i’ve been living in for over fourteen years tomorrow: i move house i drink beer when i’m done moving house in the next week: finish moving house by 20th go to wales on 20th it’s all fairly simple really
1107
today: haircut and dexter s’all good haven’t looked into another career option or made anything up i feel: a bit shit because: it’s a long story circling around one person but otherwise everything’s fine tomorrow: sam’s coming over gotta be ready for amsterdam should probably dust my room tbh in the next week: i’ll move into the new house on 1707 be fully unpacked on 1807
1007
today: still didn't go on a run p much finished packing i feel: alright because: i've done everything i need to and finally in a week i will be free of this hell hole but also scared about amsterdam so tomorrow: i have a haircut finally more dexter >:) in the next week: i want to properly look into another career option by 1107 i want to have made up one pattern by 1207
0907
today: i’ve set up my new phone and ordered a nano sim i can use dutch atms i walked the dog but didn’t go for a run i’ve packed for amsterdam, packed my posters, thrown out more shit, i’m almost done packing i feel: alright because: new phone 8) and i’ve finally been able to access accounts on apps that i haven’t accessed in two months tomorrow: i’ve finally been able to download run, zombies so i really WILL be going for a run tomorrow morning i’m gonna sort out the multiple speaker sets (throw one away, hide the other, and the three boxes under my desk i’m also going to run round the house and throw everything else of mine i can find into a box along with everything else i haven’t yet packed. that should get me pretty much done!!! in the next week: i want to properly look into another career option by 1107 i want to have made up one pattern and knitted another by 1207 i’ll have my room fully packed up and ready to move by 1107
