#dilos

[kararadaygum]

..

[cool-despoina-alkionidamera]

Dilos 480bc, stove 2480 years before!!!!!

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I want to create something. Like I’ve been feeling pretty empty lately and all I’ve been doing is waiting for time to pass by reading a book or watching something on netflix. I want to make something but I don’t know what. Right now I’m reading “Map of the soul” by Murray Stein, and idk, but the way Stein talks about Jung’s work and the way he poured his soul into it (or found it while working, idk I’m not very poetic) it just made me realise and think about “what the hell am I doing with my life?” I want to create something.

Like Twenty One Pilots has that song “kitchen sink” where Tyler sings about how creating something, or creating a different meaning to something can help you have some purpose. I want that. I really need some purpose right now. I’m just not sure where to start. I was thinking that maybe by writing to you, that would kickstart by brain into doing some thinking and figuring out how to attain this purpose or idk just DO something. I don’t know what that is yet, but once I figure it out, I will write to you again.

Love always, Dilos

[indowolfgang]

its been 26 years since Jurassic Park came out in 1993, happy birthday dinosaurs!! here’s a doodle of my dilo oc, lil Debbie (click for better quality)

[shreddedmeatcorpse]

WHATS UP DAWG HOW YOU BEEN AINT SEEN YOU IN MONTHS

[kararadaygum]

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It’s been a while, sorry about that.

I’m sorry that all my letters are always sad. I never really have anything positive to say. It takes a toll on me, and it must on you as well. Sorry.

I’ve been feeling sad again. Very sad. I dread school. I dread it so much. I really don’t wanna go to school tomorrow (Sunday scaries, you know). Well, I actually never really wanna go to school so I don’t know.

I’m super stressed as well. Have three assignments for next week, two presentations and lots of homework in between. I finished one of my assignments today, but it was utter bullshit, I kid you not. I just typed and typed and recorded my audio file and thought “that’s it for today”. Then I thought I should get started on my math assignment, and I tried to. I really tried. I sat down with the file open on my computer, notebooks and a pen next to me, ready to write all of the equations down before I type them into the file. It just didn’t really work out, as you can probably tell. I started crying a lot, haha. I do that a lot when it comes to math. I cry. So I sat down again a couple hours later to try and just bullshit my way through my math assignment as well, just so I could finally catch a break. I haven’t finished the assignment yet, mostly because I felt an urge to finally write to you again, Charlie. I hope you’re doing well.

I feel like I’m missing something in my life – new music to listen to, the motivation to draw or write something, a hobby, motivation in school, to be honest about how I’m feeling. Or maybe something else. I don’t know.

When I feel down I like to listen to sad music to feel even worse. I’m not sure why. I must like to suffer. Or maybe I’ve just become so used to feeling sad that it brings me deep comfort to sit and dwell on it.

Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Seattle.

I decided to dive into some of RM’s and Agust D’s lyrics, so here I have copy-pasted some of my favourite lyrics that I deeply relate to. I hope it might inspire you, Charlie. I don’t know what for, but I just hope so. Cause maybe that means that it can inspire me too. That soon I will feel better, perhaps?

To be out of place, it hurts so much. If you don’t experience it, it cannot be known. My ideal and what is reality, They’re so far, far away, But I still want to cross that two bridges. To reach myself, To the real me, […] I feel so lonely when I’m with me. Uhgood – RM

I wish it rains all day, Cuz I’d like someone to cry for me, I wish it rains all day, Cuz then people wouldn’t stare at me,  […] When it rains I Get a little feeling that I do have a friend Keeps knocking on my windows Asks me if I’m doing well And I answer, I’m still a hostage of life I don’t live because I can’t die But I’m chained to something. Forever rain – RM

One morning, I opened my eyes, And wished I was dead. I want someone to kill me. In this loud silence, I live to understand the world, But the world has never understood me, why […] Why is it that I’m being so earnest, Yet it’s not working out. Always – RM

On the first visit to psychiatric ward, My parents came up with me. We listened to the consultation together. My parents said they don’t truly understand me. I don’t understand myself well either Then who would understand? […] The day I confronted myself, When I hid inside the bathroom, Because I was scared of people. The last – Agust D

It’s really a bitch to not have something you want to do. I know that it seems pathetic To not have a dream like everyone. “Everything’s going to be alright if you go to university And do as we tell you”. I’m the asshole for believing those words. I’m living because I can’t die […] Everyone is running but why am I the only one still here? That’s right, fuck, I live because I can’t die, But I don’t have anything I want to do, I’m in so much pain and loneliness but people around me Keep telling me to regain my consciousness. I try to vent my anger but I only got myself, So what’s the point of venting my anger. I’m scared to open my eyes everyday and start breathing. […] Even my friends and family are drifting away. I feel anxious as time passes by. It feels like I’m all by myself. I hope everything disappears when I’m alone. I hope things disappear like mirage. I hope things disappear. I hope my damn self disappears. So far away – Agust D

I feel like dying every day. Please let me be punished. Please forgive me for my sins. Stigma – BTS

I know that was a lot… But all of these lyrics mean so much to me, so I wanted to share them with you. Thanks for listening to me, Charlie.

Love always, Dilos

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I haven’t written back in a while, I’m sorry. I basically haven’t written to anyone in a really, really long time. I turned off my notifications for messenger because summer break finally arrived and I didn’t want any school related messages constantly blowing up my phone. What a big mistake that was. Yesterday I finally logged into messenger again, and one of my friends had sent a couple messages. The latter ones were sent with an angry energy because my lack of respone. I kind of get that though. Nevertheless I eventually responded and also apologized, not really giving any explanation whatsoever (I was too afraid to say that after covid and the fact that I haven’t really met with people other than my mother and brother for like 3 months my social anxiety has gotten so bad that I even have a super difficult time simply responding to messages). Her one reply was “Thanks for the messages, I will reply later.” That stung a little, but I was like “it’s ok maybe she was in the middle of doing something when I sent the message and she just wanted to let me know that she got my message.” Turned out that was not what she had in mind when she said that. I texted her the next day (today): “is this what karma tastes like?” and I guess she thought I was making fun of the situation or something, because then she replied with “I don’t think you realise what effect what you did had on me.” THAT really stung. I obviously felt bad and still do. I didn’t expect her to just get over the fact that I hadn’t responded to her messages for over a month, but I did not expect her to punish me either. It feels like a punishment, Charlie. “you didn’t reply to me for a month so God knows how long I will be the one leaving you on delivered.” She didn’t actually send me this, but it is the message that I think she wanted to let me know of with that last reply of hers.

So for the past half hour I’ve been lying on my bed, shuffling my sad song playlists because I don’t know what else to do. Really. I started having these mean thoughts like “why is she being so childish” and pushing aside the fact that I probably really did hurt her, but then the mean side took over again and said to me “if she really missed you, which I doubt she did, she could have messaged you on instagram. She is active on instagram DAILY and so are YOU and she KNOWS IT. If she really wanted to talk to you she would have reached out other places than messenger.” I don’t think that’s true, but I can’t help but have my doubts. That’s what overthinking does to you.

I don’t know what much else to say, Charlie. I just feel empty again. I am also petrified of when school starts again (like in a little less than three weeks). I’m afraid no one will hang out with me and I’m afraid I’m gonna do so bad in school and I’m so afraid that my life will go on being this sad disastrous wreck that it is. Look at the brightside, yeah I know, I’m trying, but right now nothing feels right. Maybe listening to and trying to discover new music 24/7 so that I can spend all of my time sorting my spotify playlists rather than actually focusing on something important in my life like working out, eating healthy, self-care, hanging out with friends. I’m hoping to get better, and I am working on it. It is taking a while though, but I guess Rome wasn’t built in a day. Hope you’re doing well. I’ll try my best not to get too into my head with all of this negative thinking.

Love, Dilos