reflections of a gay eldest daughter
the thing about my parents is this.
they aren’t outwardly homophobic. they say it’s fine, they say they don’t support the catholic view of homosexuality, and i’m not going to get kicked out of the house for liking girls. truly, i can’t complain. there are loads of people who have it so much worse than me.
there would always sort of be this quiet disappointment. it would never be said out load, aside from maybe some passive-aggressive remarks, but it would be there. i would know it. my mom would know it. i would no longer be the perfect daughter, the favorite.
i’m supposed to have a husband and a successful career so my brother can be whatever he needs to be. i don’t know if my parents can handle two lgbt kids, and i’ve always known it would be my burden to keep our family together. i was supposed to be normal and straight and not “take the harder path” as my mother says.
i mean, my mom knows that i’m bisexual. i’ve made enough jokes and tossed in girlfriend or boyfriend enough that she knows. she’s told me she has gay friends. but still. she says just date a boy because it’s an “easier life.”
quiet disappointment. i would never feel comfortable telling her about a crush on a girl.
my dad is a whole other ball game. as far as i’m aware, he has no idea i like girls, because i’ve simply never told him. allegedly he responded well to my brother being bi, but being daddy’s little girl has a whole different set of standards. i could see him throwing a fit, or just never treating a girlfriend the same way he’d treat a boyfriend.
it could also be fine. i know that. my dad will go one of two ways. he’ll either go ballistic or be completely fine with it.
the extended family is….troubling. i’m at the age where most of the older people are dying off, but i don’t want to wish death upon them because they wouldn’t support me. i know there are people who would call her my best friend, i know there are MAGA people who wouldn’t show up to a potential wedding. i know that some people wouldn’t support me.
i don’t think they’re brave enough to be outwardly homophobic but….
i’m not ashamed of my sexuality. it’s such an important part of me, and i love women so much. but i also want to be loved by my family. i am the eldest daughter. i am the responsible one in our group of 4 cousins. the one who is always doing well. the one who never fucks up. the one who my grandma can always brag to her friends about.
there’s a lot of things i am supposed to be, and queer isn’t one of them.